Waiting & Changes

I only took that medication for 3 days. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. I'm not sure if it was the medication or life, but what a difference a week makes. I'm not as sad as I was Tuesday and Wednesday, but I'm not back to myself yet. I think that is more because of other things going on too.

When I thought I was intuitive and when I thought all of these things were wrong, now I don't know if it was me for real, or if it was that medication that had me seeing, thinking and feeling things differently. I reacted based on how I felt. But I don't trust how I felt now. I don't know if that was me or if it was the medication. And I don't know if my reaction really messed things up on me.

I made a choice to react based on how I felt. Now I don't know if how I felt was real. And I can't change the choice I made. I can't change the outcome of that. I can't take it back. And I don't know yet if how I felt was even real.

Even though I am pretty sure this medication is out of my system now, I'm still a little down because of this.. because of the issue this now caused, or didn't cause, I still don't know. I'm kind of in limbo just waiting. I can't do anything about it right now.

I don't know what is going to happen. I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring. I could have really screwed up a great thing for no reason at all, just me acting crazy. And that scares me. That really scares me.

And I hate that I have no control over this right now. I have to just sit and wait. I don't do well at waiting for anything! But that is all I can do. This is completely out of my hands right now. I can't do anything to change anything right now, expect to wait and not make anything worse.

I'm trying to be positive. I'm trying to be hopeful. I know that I trust in the universe. I know that I trust that I end up wherever I am supposed to end up. If things in my life should work out a certain way, then they do. If I am supposed to be somewhere, I will be there. If that is not the path I should be on, then I won't end up there, no matter how hard I try to get there... it won't work.

Right now I am handing this over to the universe. Whatever I want, whatever I can hope for is out of my hands. I know what I want. I know what I hope. I know how I want this to be. I put that out there. I put that thought, my wishes, out there to the universe to hear. If that is how things are supposed to be, then that is how they will be.

To this point, outside of my crazy-town issues this week, the universe has really listened when I put things out there, at least in the past few months. I appreciate that and I really like the path my life has been on. I am overall happy with things in my life. I have worked really hard to get where I am. I have pushed myself and made big changes in my life over the past few years.

I have great people in my life now. I have ended several unhealthy relationships which were bringing me down and that made room for some amazing new friendships I have in my life. I love my friends! My new and old friends who I have now are great people who I cherish so much. I am so blessed for having all of them and all of their support.

I am trying to really focus on those positives as well as all of the other positives in my life. Earlier in the week I threw a pretty big pity party for myself. Even I was sick of it.. not sure how some of my friends were able to deal with me that much! But I'm over that and I'm over that drama. Time to move on from it wherever it goes.

Again, I know where I want things to be and I know how I want things to work out. Unfortunately I can just sit and wait right now to see what happens and to see if things do end up that way. I am putting my hopes out to the universe that things work out the way I want them to. I want to go back to one week ago and I want all of that again. I want to erase this past week. I know I can't erase it, but I want to mend the breaks and recover what I could have lost, what I thought I lost. But I do have hope. I have more hope now than before.

I am very hopeful to move forward and have this end up stronger than before. I hope. And I hope the universe hears this and wants this for me too and makes this all happen.

In the mean time... I wait. I sit and wait.