New Blog

I have a new blog.  Since cancer is now a huge part of my life and what I'm going through.  This is where I'm venting on EVERYTHING about it. 

JulieOnAJourney.blogspot.com

Most of what I'm doing is there now. 

I have cancer.  It has taken me almost 12 hours since the doctor called to be able to say or type that word.  Cancer.  I have it.  Breast Cancer specifically. 

3 weeks ago I felt a lump.  I called the doctor that Monday and got an appointment with my doctor on that Friday.  She felt it too and she knew my history.  She's the one who had set me for a mammogram a year and a half ago.  That showed microcalcifications so I had my mammo's every 6 months.  June 2011, December 2011 and June 2012.  They were watching to see if anything changed.  And as of June, all was good.  I even have my appointment in December.

But 3 weeks ago I felt a lump.  After seeing my doctor that Friday, she sent me for another mammogram and ultrasound, which was the following Friday.  Because of the Aleve I've been taking after my wrist surgery (a blood thinner), I had to wait for the biopsy, which was this past Friday.  Today I got the results. 

I have breast cancer. 

My next doctor appointment is on Thursday with a breast specialist at a breast clinic associated with Dana Faber and Brigham and Women's Cancer Centers.  She will go over my films with me and what the next steps are. 

I'm in shock.  I'm 38.  I shouldn't have to find the strength to say the words, I HAVE CANCER.  What is that???  Why is that???  How does that happen?  I'm healthy.  I run, swim, work out, teach exercise classes.  I ran a marathon!  How do I get cancer? 

Thursday I have to find out what steps are next.  Thank GOD I was not at work today when this call came in.  Thank GOD for this hurricane keeping me home with my boyfriend all day.  And thank God for him.  I couldn't have made it through the past few weeks without him. 

He is my rock and I love him so much.  He is amazing.  I couldn't have made it this far without him.  Going forward from here?  I don't know what's next or what is going to happen. 

Thursday I find out more.  One thing at a time, one step at a time.  Today I got the call and almost 12 hours later I find the strength to say it out loud.  I have cancer.  I am 38 years old and today I found out that I have breast cancer.

Mid October Already?

Lately I have been so busy and have had such a hard time getting the chance to write anything.. and things just keep getting even more crazy!!

I had the surgery on my wrist 3 weeks ago yesterday.  Recovery has been a bit harder than I expected.  Originally they said it would be about 45 minutes.  Well it was double that!  They said I had a lot more fluid in my tendons than they had expected and cleaned it all up.  SO, much more swelling and soreness than I expected for recovery.

Still wearing a brace for some support and comfort, but trying to take it off more and more.  Occupational therapy starts next week with a certified hand specialist, and that should make a big difference.

Work has been absolutely insane and I've been ripping my hair out for weeks.  FINALLY starting to relax a little after the past month, and hopefully that will continue.

This past Saturday I started my indoor bootcamps again.  I had a few new people and it went REALLY well.  Pretty excited about this group too.  It made me feel great and that I'm doing what I should be doing.

I keep looking up other training jobs and class positions open online.  I just have to find a few minutes to sit and send out a few resumes.  Everything with my wrist threw all of that for a loop and pushed back some plans, but at least now I'm in better shape for it.

Puerto Rico with the girls is in 3 weeks from Friday!  I can't wait!  This trip is going to be SO much fun!  I've been looking forward to this for months.  Getting away, hitting the beach and going out dancing.  Things I need and can't wait for.  :)

We had another girls night this past weekend for Kristin's birthday.   It was pretty cool that for dinner there were 10 of us!!  I love this group and I'm so happy that I've found the group of friends that I have. 

What else???  Other than the biggest change?  I'm moving.  Starting now.  Officially, I have already moved, although my stuff is still pretty much still in the old place.  Cats are moving this weekend along with hopefully most of my clothes. 

My boyfriend asked me to move in with him and I said yes.  So I'm sleeping here every night and getting ready for work here in the morning.  I went to my apartment after work yesterday to clean out a few things and pack up a little.  Kitchen pantry is almost done.  I brought over a bunch of food and some more stuff for the bathroom, along with the clothes I am wearing to work today.

After work today, I'm going back to the apartment, trying to do a LITTLE more but I have to be at the track for the running group at 6:30.  Between changing for that, grabbing clothes for work tomorrow, and feeding the cats, I won't have too much time.  But I do have a bag of stuff from the kitchen, the spoons and random kitchen tools, another box of food stuff and I'm taking a cooler to grab the stuff in the fridge.  I'm hoping to get a couple of other little things out of the pantry and to have that completely cleared out tonight... to get at least one thing done.

My boyfriend is clearing out the 1st floor apartment in his house that he didn't finish his rehab on.  Two rooms will be cleared out and cleaned out.  Then we are buying 2 12x12 rugs and I'll bring over a few smaller pieces of furniture for the cats.... like the ottoman and some sofa cushions.  So the plan is for them to get their own apartment by the end of the weekend.

And then my boyfriend has to build the closet he's giving me.  Its just a very small room right now, a doorway into it, then the doorway to the attic.  He's putting the rod up for my clothes and we are getting shelves in there too.  I'll put in the shoe racks I have (4 of them with 2 shelves each!) along with a small 3 drawer dresser.  Between that dresser, the shelves and the rod to hang clothes on, I should be okay for the most part. 

I'm putting 2 other dressers on the first floor for off season stuff and things I don't wear as much, plus I can use the dresser and closet in his back spare bedroom.  He has set up the 3rd bedroom basically as a mancave.  We bought a new rug for it 2 weeks ago and cleaned the whole room out.  I picked up new curtains and curtain rods for him in there too.  And that was all before he asked me to move in!

So... trying to get all of that done. At least I am taking all of November to move as well. I still haven't given notice on my apartment.  I'll just ease into moving in, so I don't have to rush it.  And then I can go through everything a little easier.

I plan on tossing SO much.  I've already purged a ton, between my last move 3 years ago and then every few months or so, but still.... I HAVE A LOT!  Just out of my pantry, I have 2 bags of trash already!  Between trash, donate, keep and store.  Those are the 4 categories I have.  We'll see how I do! 

Okay... might be late for work. Still haven't showered today!  Ooops!

I keep starting to write something but never get more than one or two sentences out.  I've wanted to review my 37th year and put out my goals for 38, but my mind has been in so many directions that it has been so hard to just sit and get there.  I'm not sure if I'm afraid to do it either.  I just don't know.

But... before I go there....

Ahh... a nice relaxing Sunday!  Wow what a good weekend this is.  I've been pretty lucky lately, that they all have been nice, this whole month!  Yesterday morning I was up early.  I met a friend of mine at 8:30 to get in a quick run.  Still not as much mileage as I was hoping for, but for the first time in a while, I got in 3 days of some running.  That's progress.

After running, I went straight to kickboxing.  That was an incredible class!  I love it SO much and really really missed it.  I'm going to miss it when I can't go for 2 months (another story) so I've been trying to get in as much as I can right now. 

When kickboxing was done, I headed over to my boyfriend's house. I ate my leftovers for lunch and chilled for a bit before a quick shower then headed out.  Back in April at a fundraising party, I won a gift certificate for a haircut, so I FINALLY used it.  I love this place too!  It was only a basic wash/cut/dry, but she was great & did an amazing job.  Plus, I really liked her.  So I'll head back, even though its a bit more expensive. 

After the haircut, I was back at my boyfriend's house.  About a month ago he bought a 1948 Oldsmobile that he is going to be restoring.  He has already taken a bunch of the body off and ripped out the whole interior.  A friend of his came over to help him move it to the backyard yesterday so he can keep working on it there. 

Since it doesn't have an engine or transmission or anything, they had to push it to get it into the backyard.  But driveway on the side of the house it was parked on has stairs going down to the backyard.  It needed to go into the back through the other side of the house, after they took out part of the fence.  NICE! 

So as they pushed it out of the driveway, across the sidewalk in front of the house and down the other side of the house into the backyard (landing on the damn patio we spent months of WEEKENDS working on), I got to SQUAT at the steering wheel and steer it around the house.  Kind of funny!  I couldn't see a thing over the dash since there isn't a front end to it, and I didn't know where I was going.  Luckily it wasn't too bad.

Anyway... after that, I chilled for a bit as my boyfriend ate a very late lunch before I headed home to take care of a few things (feeding the cats and a few other things around the house).  When I got back to my boyfriends, we watched a movie.  I love doing that... laying in his arms watching a movie.

He has a HUGE project for work that he HAS to finish by Monday which he has spent most of the weekend working on.  After the movie, he started working again.  I feel asleep on the sofa before 10:30 & went to bed at 12:30.  He was still working. I woke up when he came to bed at 2am. 

The alarm on my cell went off at 6:30 but luckily we both fell back to sleep this morning.  We were up around 7:30.  I felt bad for him, cuz that's not a lot of sleep to have keep working all day.  But that's pretty much what he's been doing. 

We had breakfast with the news on, and he was working by 8:30.  I had been trying to move the furniture around in his spare bedroom and needed him to help me out to finish it.  After that, I ended up taking a nap on the sofa while the dog was on the floor next to me. 

When I woke up, I finished cleaning the kitchen (the rest of the house I already did, plus all of his and my laundry).  His dishwasher is broken, the computerized kind & he thinks its the motherboard, which isn't cheap.  SO I washed ALL of the dishes that have been in there for a bit. 

Yesterday I had gone food shopping (OMG I do not know anyone who eats more ice cream than him! Even more than me!) and picked a couple of things for his house, including one of those pre-cooked chicken, pasta & an onion.  I had carrots, celery and chicken broth.  So now sitting on the stove is a pot of chicken noodle soup.  It is SO good!  The whole house smells amazing too. 

I'm planning on taking the dog for a walk in a bit, then heading over to my house.  I'll hang out with the cats for a little while and also go through my clothes.  Sadly, its time to pull out some fall/winter clothes.  When I head back to my boyfriend's house, I'll bring those with me so I can wash them all after sitting for months.  And the Pats game is on at 8pm tonight, so that'll be the night... well, after HE cooks dinner!  I just want the soup I made and his stuffed portobello mushrooms. They are AMAZING. 

So, yes, this weekend at my boyfriends house, I cleaned the entire house, cooked, did laundry and washed dishes.  And I am VERY happy with all of that.  How the hell did this become me??  When did this turn into what I wanted in my life?  But I do!  And that just shocks the hell out of me! 

I am so happy and content just hanging out at his house, doing things for him.  I love him and doing things that are good for him or easier for him or that make him happy all make ME happy.  I never thought that this would be me. 

Even yesterday... his parents got a dog.  I was texting with his MOM.  I love his mom, both of his parents, and his entire family!  I would love to have an even closer relationship with all of them.  I'm already looking forward to Sunday dinner next weekend.  How messed up is that?? 

I don't know.  This is what I want in my life.  And I don't know when this switch happened.  All I know is that it did. 

Last weekend... hmm... Sad to try to remember!  :)  Saturday am I was at kickboxing.  I think he was working on his car all weekend.  I know I did a ton of laundry.  I tired to help a little with the car, but there isn't too much I can do.  I did take the dog for a walk on Saturday and Sunday last weekend.  And Sunday the Pats game was at 1pm.  He was with me to go to my house on Sunday to help me take out my super heavy trash. 

I had last Monday off with a couple of appointments and was hanging out at his house with the dog in between.  This is just what makes me happy!

The weekend before was my birthday.  We went to Foxwoods for Sunday and Monday.  It was so much fun.  Neither of us won (didn't really lose much either) but we hung out and just had a nice time being together.  I love that.  SO much. 

I don't know.  He makes me happy.  I want this.  I want this to be my life and my future.  With him.  He makes me happy.  He knows me more than anyone ever has.  He knows what makes me happy, what I find funny or get upset about.  He knows what makes me tick.  And even still... I just don't feel like I'm judged by him.  Ever.  I am more me with him than I have ever been able to be with anyone else in my entire life... any friends I have ever had.  He just gets me.  Like no one has ever gotten me before. 


SO... I do have a life other than my boyfriend... as hard as that might be to believe after everything I just wrote.  :)  Okay, him and I together did F-1 (like Go-Carts), racing, but higher speeds and we had to wear a fire suit to do it.  SO much fun.  I didn't lose with all the other guys in our group & I didn't suck either!  I had a blast!

I went to Trapeze School with two of my friends and I ROCKED it.  My friends kept telling me I needed to join the circus because I was that good!  I can't wait to go back and do it again. We booked 2 more classes.  I can't wait to learn more.  But OMG was I sore.  It just used muscles I'm not used to working.  And talk about bruises!  HOLY COW!!  I looked like I got beat up!

That same night, the three of us plus one more went to the Sox game.  That was so much fun too.  I have great friends and I'm really really lucky to have them all in my life.  In November I'm going to Puerto Rico with those three friends, plus two others.  It really is a GREAT group.  I'm really happy how it worked out for rooming.  I'm with Laura and that's perfect for us.  We might be in a little trouble though!

First, Laura and I are both ALWAYS late & the last to arrive for everything.  Second, we are both always the last to leave places.  Her and I met for dinner one night, maybe in March.  We were sitting at the bar for dinner for FIVE HOURS!  And that was just dinner.  :)  Most likely we'll be having some late nights out in San Juan. 

Anyway... what else?  F-1 Racing, Trapeze School, Sox game, upcoming Puerto Rico trip with the girls.  What else? 

OH!  The Diva Dash!  It was sponsored by Shape Magazine and they had 4 across the country.  The "Boston" one was in Marshfield and was the only one in the northeast.  The other 2 were in San Diego, Austin and Bolder.  They had 5489 women in this race!  HOLY COW! 

I got a group together from the fitness group I organize. We were the South Shore Luna Chicks and there were 21 of us.  We didn't all start together, but most of us were in the 10:30 start wave.  It was so much fun.  We all had matching shirts & it was really cute. 

Hmm... what else do I have going on?  I'm not happy with work, but that has been that way for a long time.  I've been trying to get another full time job working as a trainer.  I was offered one, but then he took it back.  The only thing I can say is that I'm happy I hadn't given my notice yet to my full time job!  That would have SUCKED.  But I feel stuck since I was so close to getting what I really really want and then having it taken away. 

I know it wasn't meant to be for whatever reason, but it still sucked.  I was heartbroken over it.  I'm hoping that something else works out.  The one good thing that happened was that I figured out how much I really want this.  I know this is what I want for my career.  I've been working hard to get there and hopefully it will all work out sooner rather than later.  We'll see.  All I can do is keep working on it and trying to get there. 

Oh, my health too!  HA HA.  That's funny.  I had a cold for a while, completely knocked me out.  I was just exhausted.  My back is better but still sore.  My hip too.  Now that I'm trying to run more, and trying to train for a half marathon (that's what Puerto Rico is about... a destination, women's only, half marathon), we'll see how that works out.

Then there is my wrist.  This is making me crazy!  I broke it in 2008.  Because the bone slipped, I had surgery to have 2 plates and 5 screws put in my wrist.  It was fine for years.  Last summer, it BLEW up.  So much pain, swollen, and I couldn't move it.  That was August of 2011.  Then it was fine after about 2 weeks. The x-rays were fine and the new ortho my PC sent me to said all was good.

Fast forward to June 2012... happened again!  I was just standing up, asking our IT guy at work about something and it started.  Talk about pain! It brought tears to my eyes.  I barely made it my desk.  Someone drove me to the clinic where they gave me an anti-inflammatory injection, plus sent me for x-rays again.  The next day I saw an orthopedic at the same office from the year before. 

He wanted me to have an MRI to see what was going on.  Even with the injection, it was still swollen and had an egg where the plates are.  The MRI place wouldn't do it since I have the plates there.  At that point, I was referred to another ortho at that office, the hand specialist.  By the time I saw him, my hand was fine.  He said to see him if happened again. 

A few weeks later was my chance.  I was again at work, but on the phone with someone sitting in another part of the office.  I took Aleve right away and got ice on it right away which helped.  I was at the ortho in a few days... same doctor.  The swelling was going down by then.  He said to keep doing what I was doing, if it happened again.  I could have the plate out, but that might not help it.  He had never seen this before.  And he was on his tablet looking at other people's charts the entire 5 minutes he was with me.  HATED him. 

I made a decision then, that I wanted another opinion.  I was going to call the original ortho who did the surgery in 2008.  He was out of Beth Israel in Boston.  Just for that alone, I trusted him more, rather than some south shore ortho who barely paid me any attention. 

Another few weeks later (the weekend I had the F-1 racing!), I was at the movies on a Saturday night with my boyfriend and it started AGAIN.  I didn't want to leave the movie, there was nothing I could do there or anywhere else.  I took 2 Aleve and put my large drink on it for the swelling.  I couldn't move it and it was so swollen again. 

When we got back to the car, I took a video on my phone of my hand and wrist.  Sometimes just a picture didn't show how bad it was.  I moved the phone around my whole hand, showed my range of motion as well as how tense the tendons looked.  That Monday I called Beth Israel to see if I could get an appointment with the original ortho. 

Come to find out, he has an office he sees patients at twice a month right down the street from me!  I was able to get an appointment for the following Monday.  He took more x-rays, everything looked okay, but when I showed him the video, he couldn't believe how bad it got. 

Because of the fingers involved, he thought it was more the median nerve.  He recommended surgery to the hardware removed but also wanted another surgeon with him. She is also a hand orthopedic out of Beth Israel, but she has done carpal tunnel surgeries.  He wanted her to do that because he thought that would help as well. I wanted to think about it a little bit before making a decision that day.

A few days later, I decided to go for it and make it sooner rather than later.  With the trip to Puerto Rico, I wanted my hand to heal before going and I wanted to be able to get in running to train.  So I called.   He was out for the rest of that week, and the next Monday was Labor Day.  I talked to him the following week.  He had talked to the other ortho.  She had SEEN my issue before!  He was transferring me to her care, since she was more familiar with what was up with me.  Great! 

He scheduled me for an MRI in Boston.  That was another whole mess (the Valium never kicked in, the appointment ended up being late, so I went about 45 minutes late, needed to get a different ride and overall had a panic attack about the whole thing.)  My boyfriend ended up driving into Boston after he got out of work to pick me up, since I was done about an hour after I was originally supposed to be done.  My original ride was coming straight from work to get me at 4:15.  I was done at 5:20!  Again... kudos to my boyfriend.  He was amazing at calming me down when I freaked out about the MRI & was so great about coming to get me. 

Then a week later, last Monday, I had my appointment with the new ortho. She's great.  ANOTHER round of x-rays on my wrist, which said the same thing... all looks good.  But the MRI showed that I have fluid in my tendons, from what she could see... so much hardware, it was hard to tell.

She told me that my tendons are reacting to the metal in there.  If it continues to happen, my tendons could completely rupture.  Again, she recommended surgery to have it all removed and she'll clean up the tendons when she's in there. 

And now we are up to this week.  Surgery is scheduled for this Thursday.  I'll find out the time on Tuesday, but I asked for as early as possible... the first is at 7:30.  Because the surgery is only an hour, my ride is supposed to hang around.  I'll have to be there 2 hours before surgery for pre-op (if its at 7:30, I'd have to be there at 6:30 though).  Then 1 hour for surgery and 60-90 minutes for recovery before heading home... with a quick stop at CVS for pain meds. 

My boyfriend is going to work off of his iPad that day while I'm at the hospital and said he'd work from home that afternoon.  He's going to stay with me when we're back. 

I'm nervous but grateful that this will stop this from happening AGAIN.  And I'm so happy that my boyfriend is the one taking me.  He is so great when I am upset about something.  He's just calming and I don't, just great!  When I freaked out at the MRI, his voice is what helped me.  When the job I wanted as a trainer was taken back, he just held me and said all the right things as he wiped my tears.  I know I'm going to be so nervous that day and could possibly have another panic attack about it.  Having him there to calm me down is already making me feel better.  Although I have already tried to warn him for what he could be in for!  :)  The MRI was NOTHING compared to how I could be in pre-op! 

So, that's everything in my life for the past 2 months.  Work sucks, my boyfriend is amazing and I have great friends.  As always, I have more good in my life than bad.  And I'm happy.

I don't know what I'm doing for my birthday resolutions yet.  I don't know what I want for next year.  For some reason, that's a ton of pressure on me right now. So many things in transition right now... I'm always at my boyfriend's house and will most likely be moving in with him.  I hate my job and want a new one in a brand new career, if I can afford it.  How do I set goals when I'm not sure where I'm going to be living or working??  Maybe those are part of my goals, who knows.  So I do have more to think about for my 37 review and 38 goals... maybe that's later tonight after I head back to my apartment and get back to my boyfriends house (my laptop has basically been ONLY at his house for the past 4 months... I canceled the internet service I had with Comcast since my laptop is never there.)

And otherwise... here are a few pictures to show what I've been up to! 

F-1 Racing at F-1 Outdoor in Bridgewater. 

                        Me before racing.                                                

 

Me with the boyfriend just before our race. 

 

 Trapeze School.

With Christin and Laura before starting.

 

 

Me FLYING! 

 

 

After I did a tuck to get off the bar.

Another tuck off the bar. 

 

Only one in the class to get the "Catch" on both tries!

 

 

After Trapeze School, Kristin took us to the Sox game. 

GREAT SEATS!

 

Diva Dash, final obstacle, climbing down with Christine.

Christine and me stopping for a picture before racing to the finish!

All 10:30 South Shore Luna Chicks in the Diva Dash,

including Jill & Carrie who are also going to Puerto Rico!

The day before my Birthday... perfect way to start the weekend.  :)



September Already??

Where did the summer go??  And how did it go by so quickly??  WOW!  Labor Day weekend and so many things I had wanted to do this summer that I never got to.  Oh well.  on to the fall things I want to do, like apple picking, a haunted house, a fall fair, and as much time outside as I can before it gets cold. 

Looking back over my August goals?  Time to check in on those to see how I did and come up with new goals for September...

My August goals were:

Fitness Business for Month:
1. Apply for 5 fitness jobs - DONE
2. Make $200 + in class fees-? Made some, but not sure exact amount off hand.
3. Order Business Cards - DONE
4. Make "special" to attract new business- DONE
5. Make 2 new fitness contacts- No
6. Contact Alex about mid/end Sept for space/time available to rent again- NOT YET

My Fitness for Month:
1. Run C25K training 3x/wk with my group and on my own- did better but not great.
2. kickboxing 1-2 times/wk- no, injured again.
3. In addition to teaching, work out on my own, full body, at least once a week- no
4. Increase my water- no, but at least Poweraide.
5. Eat healthy for the month- No

My Finances for the month:
1. Have money in the bank at the end of the month- Sure, but I haven't paid Sept rent yet!
2. Log all money spent for month- pretty close
3. eat food I buy not take out- MUCH better
4. Pay back $150 owe- did $70, keep forgetting and piece mail.
5. Pay extra & early on car payment- YES
6. Pay all bills up to date- not cable, but rest yes.

So now?  What do I want for September? And at the same time, I need to start really thinking about my next year & do my birthday goals.  I have some ideas, but still on the fence and still working it out.

SO, goals for month of September.... keeping in mind that I am having surgery in September.

Fitness Business for month:
1. Contact Alex about renting space
2. Apply to teach classes at local gym plus one other
3. Make 1 new fitness contact
4. Do more research on being a certified Personal Trainer.
5. Research nutrition classes.

My Fitness for Month:
1. Run 3 times per week other than week of and week after surgery.
2. Take 2-3 kickboxing classes per week prior to surgery.
3. Limit take out.
4. Food journal.

My finances for Month:
1. Log money spent
2. Limit take out to once per week
3. Stick to budget
4. Come up with new ideas for increased income.

Small ones, but trying....

Busy with Changes

The past month or so has been SO busy but almost all in good ways.  There are always struggles, but that is what I learn the most from. 

My health has gotten better.  My back is SO much better it is incredible.  My wrist blew up again last weekend... 3rd time this summer.  But the swelling went down within a few days and I got strength back by the end of the week. 

I've been working out more and more.  I was too busy over this weekend for my run, but ran last  Monday and Wednesday night.  Wednesday, I got more in than I have in 2 months!  And it felt really really good!!  I have been doing some weights too and just feel better overall.

Life has been crazy and I haven't been to kickboxing as much as I would have liked.  Over the next month, when life settles and becomes more consistent, I hope to get there at least once or twice a week. 

The classes I have been teaching have been AMAZING!  So much fun and I really got a great core group who has been pretty regular in attending.  I've actually made some money doing this finally!  How crazy is that?? 

I've paid down some bills and stayed on top of others.  I've been doing my best to live within my means.  Not always the easiest thing to do, but I'm getting there.... slowly but surely. 

The next month will most likely be just as insane for me.  It seems like this time of year is ALWAYS crazy!  And it is always a transition time for me.  Maybe its the back to school thing, maybe its being around my birthday and starting a new year... but this time of year always brings really huge changes for me.

2 more weeks until my birthday.  Starting to take some inventory on where I'm at and where I want to be, as well as taking a review of the past year.  I want to realize what worked and what didn't and why.  If I know the why, then I can either make the good happen again, or the not so good not come around again.

More on the horizon for me.... REALLY big things that need to wait a few more days.  But super big and exciting.

I'm just really happy with how my 37th year is ending.  :)

Getting Back on Track

With all the craziness over the past 2 months, I fell off track with so many things.  Time to get everything back on course so I can continue to work towards my goals.  I had been great at setting monthly, then weekly goals so I could reach my overall year goals.  But 2 months and it all fell by they wayside. 

Time to start it up again!  Time to find my focus! 

The fitness group has been so successful!  People are doing amazing with the Couch to 5K group and I love seeing everyone succeed.  This new session that started last week seems like I'll have a group that will really do well.  They seem very focused and intent on finishing this. 

Between the C25K group and our Diva Dash in September, I'm doing more to promote my bootcamps.  Last Wednesday night, my "free" class, was great!  I'm pretty sure I'm getting more people just through that.  At least that's what I hope!  So today I need to plan my class structure for tomorrow night.  Thing is... I have NO IDEA who is going tomorrow night!  NO idea!  Hard to plan out my class when I'm not sure who I'm planning it for.  But I'll figure it out.

SO... overall goals were finances, fitness business and my personal fitness.

Start with the fitness business... for the rest of the month, 2 + weeks. 
1. Apply for 3 fitness jobs
2. Teach 5 classes with income at least $100 for month
3. Find one new contact or new way to promote myself
4. Update website
5. Order new business cards
6. Figure out what I'm doing for insurance

So for just this week!!
1. Apply for 1-2 positions to teach
2. Teach 2 classes (income $40-50)
3. Think about contacts/promotions
4. Website
5. Order business cards

That's actually pretty manageable since I was already planning on working on the website more later today (already did a little this morning).   I just want some help from my boyfriend before I continue.  And I'm planning on teaching Monday and Wednesday nights, just need the people to SHOW UP!

Okay, second focus.  Finances.  That one has been off.  I worked hard, pay down bills, totalled my car and needed to buy a new one, plus went on vacation.  I ended up over extending myself a little last week and I think I ended up leaving myself a little short.  So now I'm figuring it out.  I get paid on Wednesday, plus I''ll be teaching twice and hopefully have some money from that.  But I have just been spending TOO much.  Granted, my bills are in GREAT shape.  My new car payment is less than my old one, granted I was about to pay off that car!  :(  Oh well.  This car is newer and will overall cause me less issues and will cost less in maintenance.

Hmm... so my finances for the rest of the months, 2+ weeks.
1. LOG ALL MONEY I SPEND.  I was better before at that than I am now.
2. Keep money in bank to use for August.
3. NO GROUPONS for the rest of the month.
4. Limit takeout to no more than two times a week.

I just have to watch and not make any unnecessary purchases.  Just tough when they all seem necessary! 

So this week...
1. Log all the money I spend for the week.
2. Food shop to not get take out.
3. NO extra food purchases at night for dinner, except Tuesday night.
4. Pay Cable/electric/car payment

Just tough to figure it all out and see where I'll be. Bills, food, life that comes up and everything in general.  Just SO hard!!!  I hate dealing with money!

Lastly... my personal fitness
I have had SO many friggin injuries in the past 2 months.  Just as I was getting my back under control from running, I had the car accident.  It re-aggravated EVERYTHING!  The first time I ran 2 miles, I couldn't walk with weight on my right leg 2 days later.  It was BAD. 

I've been treating with my chiro who has also had me seeing his massage therapist once a week for my back.  I've been slowing getting better.  Toss in that I haven't done ANYTHING to workout?  I feel like a slug and slob!  I hate not working out!  I've lost SO much muscle in the past 2 months. 

Last week I got the okay to do interval running.  SO when the C25K group started up, I did their week one training with them, even though I should be SO much further along than that.  But it is what it is. 

I didn't get the okay to do anything else, but he already knew I was taking golf lessons. 

SO last week... C25K on Monday.  Tuesday was golfing. Wednesday was C25K, then a little bit of the bootcamp.  I didn't do everything I had them do, but I did some.  Thursday I HAD to go to kickboxing.  I missed it SO much, plus the week at work was horrible and I just needed to punch something.  I took it easy and didn't do everything.  I know what my limits are right now and I'm not pushing too far with it.  Then I took Friday off.  Yesterday, although not "working out" my boyfriend and I were working on his patio.  So I did something with lifting up those 20 pound tiles and moving them around the yard and all that.  Today I'll do the same with the patio (which we should finally finish!).

My monthly fitness goals for the 2+ weeks left?? 
1. C25K with the group for weeks 2-4.
2. Increase what I do with Bootcamps to continue to build back strength.
3. Golf on Tuesday's.
4. Kickboxing on Thursday's
5. Run/jog, interval on Saturdays.

I need to listen to my body and not push it!  But that's the same for each week.  I can do that!

I don't think these goals are too lofty.  I think this is manageable.  I can do this.  I want to continue to make everything a success!!

**********************************************************************************

On other notes?  What else is going on in my life, besides completely blowing off my overall goals??

My week was all over the place.  Worked SUCKED and I seriously wanted to quit at least 3 specific times that I can remember.  I was miserable.  I wish I could support myself on fitness training, but that's a long time off.  Maybe at some point it can be a reality, but not for right now.  So I'm doing what I have to do to make it work and keep my sanity.  Which is why I was back at kickboxing on Thursday night!

My back is slowly getting better, which is nice.  My wrist is feeling alright right now, but who knows what else will happen with it. Sometimes its better than others. 

My friends are incredible and every day I realize how lucky I am to have made it to where I am.  It took me a long time to get where I am and to have the people I have in my life.  They are positive, happy, fun, healthy people.  Everyone supports each other.  There is no judgement or criticism between anyone.  Just a great group of women who are so supportive of each other.  I'm just happy to have them in my life!

And then my boyfriend.  Life can toss challenges now and again. This week was no different.  Things were good early in the week.  Tuesday we argued a little but he helped me with my class structure for Wednesday nights class.  But we didn't see each other on Wednesday.  Which was good.  We were both tired and cranky.  I was still off on Thursday but kickboxing helped. 

Then it was like a switch was flicked.  He is back to everything I loved a year ago!  So affectionate and loving.  Little kisses on my head while I'm laying in his arms.  Telling me he loves me.  It was just a great weekend with him so far! 

Even yesterday when we were working on his patio.  It just looks so nice!  I wish I could do more now, but with the point we are at... just one person at a time can do things.  The other things I was doing are done.  SO I do what I can do now.  He said, "I couldn't have done this without you.  Well, I could have done it, but I wouldn't have done it all without you."  Just hearing that, knowing that he means it and he appreciates me being there and helping him, that means so much. 

So I'm looking forward to going back over to his house to finish it up.  And per him, next is the driveway!  Which is CRAZY!  LOTS more work, but that's okay.  It was fun do to the patio and exciting to see what we could do.  Plus, I feel proud of it.  An accomplishment we did together.  We work really well together for things like this, so its nice. 

But that's where I'm at and what I'm doing.  Life is never easy and always interesting.  But overall, things are good.  More on the good than not.  And I am happy.  :)

I made it home from my vacation.  What a great week!  I had so much fun and was finally able to just relax!  It was really really needed.  Some small tiffs here and there, but overall a great week.  The weather was absolutely PERFECT!  I have a great tan too. 

I was down Sunday to Sunday.  My boyfriend made it down on Tuesday night.  The fireworks along the beach on the 4th were incredible.  SO cool to see people that into it.  Dueling displays from random people along the beach.  Although having a beer in one hand and lighting a huge thing of fireworks with the other??  I don't think its a great idea to have a bunch of drunks handling explosives, but oh well!  :)  As far as I know, no one got hurt. 

Things with my boyfriend were amazing.  I love him so much... even more than before.  He's a great person.  We have something really special between us and he just makes me really happy. 

Last night he came with me down to the beach to watch the sunset. It was beautiful. And then my mom took a picture of him and I. Here are those pics from our last night on vacation.

So much to write about.

Relationship with boyfriend.
Health/injuries
VACATION
Cheryl Richardson
New vet

I'll start with my vacation, since that's where I am right now.  I went on vacation with my parents yesterday down to Cape Cod.  I love it here.  It is just so relaxing on the beach.  Of course I can never sleep here but that's alright.  I went to be around 11:15 last night but couldn't fall asleep.  I woke up around 6:15.  But up, watching the news and waiting for the coffee to be ready. 

No plans this week.  Just sit in the sun and relax and enjoy! 

Before I left, I wanted my cat checked.  I HATED his old vet and felt like they were always trying to up-sell me each time I went there.  I asked a few friends who they went to and who they liked and did yelp checks from there.  My friend Laura's vet had 3 reviews in the past few months and they were amazing. 

Well, McGraw is doing well.  He had a ruptured cyst on his arm but it is doing alright.  Long story about trying to get him to take a pill!  WOW that wasn't fun.  Lets just say he won.  But his glucose levels are now within a healthy range and he has controled his diabetes with his low carb, high protein diet. 

McGraw is doing better than me with his health.  I feel like I've been having one thing after another, after another, after another!  NOT stopping.  I had my car accident on May 16th and I tried to run once since then.  Two days later I couldn't stand up and put weight on my right leg.  NOT fun. 

The chiro twice a week with a massage at one of those appointments has been helping. That and doing NOTHING at all, which is not fun for me.  I HATE not working out.  I'm not allowed to run, lift weights or go to kickboxing.  It is making me crazy not doing any of that or doing what I love to do.

Today I saw Cheryl Richardson's newsletter for the week.  Here is the link:

http://www.cherylrichardson.com/newsletters/week-27-nora-ephrons-list-what-would-you-miss/

That made me think.  What would I miss?  What were those little things in my life that I would miss?  That made me want to sit and come up with my own list.

My family
My boyfriend
My friends
My cats
McGraw flopping on his back for a belly rub
Patches snuggling
Rocco
Taking Rocco for a walk.
Rocco's excitement when he realizes we are going for a walk
When Rocco gets a new trick
The clouds
Sunset
Pink skies
the beach
swimming in the ocean
Lobster
Hearing my boyfriend tell me he loves me
Snuggling up in my boyfriend's arms
Seeing newbies succeed with C25K
Helping people reach their goals
Running

Kickboxing

I thought that was a good list.  :)

And then my boyfriend.  Things with him and I better than they have ever been.  Ever.  And I am really happy.  He makes me really happy.  He's been great with my injuries and so supportive.  I love being with him and doing things with him. 

We've been working on his yard. I have so much fun with that.  We dug up part of the back yard, evened it out and then put down 12 x 12 tiles building a patio.  SO much fun!  And it looks incredible!  I'm just proud of him and how much he has done with it.

Things with him and I are just going really well.  We have fun together and have been spending SO much time together.  I don't really know the last time I slept at my place.  I sleept at his every night.  I love nothing more than being wrapped up in his arms. 

When I was buying my new car and chatting with his mom while she was working, she told me that someone asked her if this was her daughter-in-law.  She told me she answered, "I wish!  Hopefully someday."  It's nice to know that's how his mom feels, especially since he was engaged to his ex before me. 

I'm just really happy with how things are going.  Yup, I'm injured and cannot shake it, but things are really good overall. And I'm just really really happy in my life!   

Catch Up!

What a month is has been!  WOW!  I last wrote on May 15th.  The day after my boyfriend was in the ER all day.  The next day?  Yeah.  My life got interesting. 

Tuesday, May 15th, I was at my boyfriend's house.  I spent the night and he was doing better.  Wednesday morning he was alright, but home. He was going to work from home that day.  Around 7am, I left his house on a wet, cold, rainy morning.  After a light, 2 cars ahead of me decided last minute to turn right.  The SUV in front of my little coupe slammed on her brakes.  I slammed on mine, but just SLID.  I knew I wasn't stopping and somehow managed to hit my horn, hoping to let her know I was about to hit her.  (And I only know that I really did hit my horn because a witness told me that I did when I asked.  He said I hit the horn, but she had no where to go.)

I ended up underneath her SUV.  Airbag went off, my car went crunch.  My hat flew off and was on the floor between my seat and the drivers side door.  My glasses broke into pieces from the airbag and landed on the flood on the passenger side.  I still have a small scar by my eyebrow on my right eye from where they cut my face. 

I've never been in an accident where the airbag went off.  Its been years since I've had any kind of car accident, forget about something to this level.  I was terrified.  I was so confused when the airbag went off.  I didn't even know who I hit!  I had blood dripping down my face, I couldn't see and I was shaking. 

Thank God for my boyfriend!  He was amazing!  I called him, hysterical.  He drove down to get me where I was sitting with the police.  I pulled a few things out of my car, waiting for it to be hooked up to be towed away but my boyfriend only has a 2 seater convertible.  Only so much could fit. 

He picked me and some of my stuff up, then drove me home.  I fed my cats and grabbed a few of my things for the day before we went back to his house.  He was home working as I called my insurance company to report the accident and started to figure things out.  I knew my car was a total loss, from the extensive front end damage plus the airbag!

That afternoon, we went and got a rental car, then drove over to the tow yard to clean out my car.  That's when I really got a good look at the damage.  I almost started crying again when I saw it.  I still can't believe it!

My little car just went CRUNCH!  :(

That was a bad day, to say the least.  Since then, things were all over the place.  Settling with the insurance company (good, LOVE Plymouth Rock insurance and can't say enough about them!) to trying to buy a new car!  (HATE the way I was treated at one dealership, not even mentioning their name at all but already put a bad review on Yelp). 

I FINALLY got my new car last weekend.  Well, new to me.  I figured I could get more car for less money if I went used.  A 2010 with 33K miles, tons of options including a moon roof and a cute little hatchback.  I love it!  I'm really really happy with it. 

This dealership was INCREDIBLE!  Bernardi Hyundai in Brockton, MA.  EVERYTHING was just so friggin easy!  Even my boyfriend thought they were great and he compared the service I was getting to what he gets at his Mercedes dealership!  Now, that's saying something!

My back is still bothering me though.  I have 3 chiro appointments this coming week.  I didn't go to work this past Thursday because of how bad my lower back was.  I couldn't move!  I ran for the first time since the accident a week and a half ago.  It was SO slow and only 2 miles.  NOT good.  I felt great during the run, but not since. 

I've been taking it easy but it still isn't right.  I have been living on anti-inflamaroties, muscle relaxers and ice.  And taking it easy is NOT easy for me!  It is killing me!  I can't run, I can't lift weights, I can't go to kickboxing.  I HATE this!  I'm so stressed from NOT working out.  And I feel like a slug. 

But, hopefully things will keep getting better.  I'm on a slightly better path financially.  I was bummed that I was paying off my car and now I am starting all over again but I'm hoping I can do extra payments here and there and pay it off sooner.  We'll see. 

Summer is here, life is hopefully on track and I'm keeping my fingers crossed things will be going in the right direction for me.  But with me... I never know!

One Year

Last year, May 15th was a Sunday.  I remember that weekend well.  I was out with friends on Friday night, the 13th, for a dance lesson, then dinner and drinks.  Saturday was my friend's little sister's wedding in NH and I ended up spending the night at my parents house.

Then on Sunday, I had a date that night.  He had wanted to go out earlier, but I had plans all weekend already.  I remember that the Monday before I had emailed him for the first time, then we were on the phone on Tuesday and already had plans for a date.  We were on the phone a lot that week too. 

I knew we had tons in common but I wasn't sure.  I was on the fence, but just going with it. 

Now, here we are, a full year later.  I woke up in his arms this morning.  He wasn't feeling well all weekend and we were arguing yesterday morning.  I wanted to take him to the hospital but he wouldn't go.  He finally texted me during the day that he went on his own.  Come to find out, he has an ulcer.  I have never seen him in so much pain. 

I was so worried about him yesterday.  I left work a little early to go to his house.  I let out his dog, made him take some Pepto, gave him some water and put him back in bed.  On my way home, I stopped and dropped off his prescription, flew home, got ready, then headed off to do my running group.

It was weird and I was on the fence about it, but I called his parents to let them know.  He had talked to them when he first got home from the hospital but I had talked to him around the same time and he was really difficult to understand.  He was just out of it and in a lot of pain. 

His mom was really grateful that I called and had gone over there.  I let her know I took care of the dog, dropped off the prescription and was going to head back in a bit. She asked me if I was spending the night.  Weird, but yes, I told his Italian mom that yes, I was spending the night at her son's house. 

She thanked me for being there for him and taking care of him.  She told me I could call her if I needed anything.  And I told her the same, if she couldn't get him, she could call me. 

I was really scared though. I have never seen him like that.  I have never seen him in so much pain and I was SO worried about him.  I love him so much and it just really really scared me.  He's still in pain and still not great.  He was home in bed when I left his house this morning, but he is better today than he was yesterday. 

I'll be back over there tonight and making sure he's okay. 

So, it has been a year.  And here I am.  Completely in love and scared something was going to happen to him.  I don't know what the future holds, but I know I love him and I want to be with him.

Into May!

Its amazing how things turned around in my life once April hit.  Literally on April 1st, everything changed. Things just all fell into place for me.  And I feel like I'm just riding this great wave now.  Things are good.

I still have some of the same old challenges.  As hard as I work, money will always be an issue.  I've work really hard to pay down so much debt and I've made HUGE progress.  Two loans are paid off, and a 3rd is very close.  All my bills are current, but I still struggle with the extra money.  Expenses I don't plan on always seem to just pop up! 

BUT, I won a contest at my gym!  My kickboxing place is amazing.  I just love it there so much.  I love the work out.  I love the people who work there.  I love the regulars who work out in class.  And I love the actually workout.  I can see and feel a huge difference.  3 months ago I was doing "girlie" pushups.  Now I'm cranking out 2 minutes of actual pushups with arm taps!  CRAZY! 

They had a referral contest in April.  $19.99 for the online special got people gloves and 3 classes.  And they are nationwide.  Whoever at my gym referred the most people to our specific location won cash!  $500 for first, $250 for 2nd and $100 for 3rd.  I won first place!!! 

I pay $125 a month for 6 months for the package I got (65 classes that don't expire, but I just pay for 6 months).  Well, I've already paid for 2 months.  When they told me I won, I asked if they could just keep it and we'd call it even, since I owe them $500 anyway.  Works out great for me.  Now I don't have to worry about that anymore and people basically just paid for my kickboxing classes!  :)

THEN, the Nationwide contest!  Whoever nationwide had the most referrals to ANY gym won.  $2500 for 1st, $1000 for 2nd, $500 for 3rd and 4th, 5th and 6th each got $100.  Two of us NATIONWIDE had over 30 referrals!  So its between me and one other person if I won the $2500! 

WORST case, I won $1000 more!  How cool is that???  That's the BAD option!  LOL!  I really hope I win the $2500.  I find out on Monday.  But if that's the case, I am going to pay off my car as soon as I get the money.  That would be SO cool.  I can't believe that I'm that close to actually paying off my car.  And then I'll have another bill gone.  At least for now. 

My plan would be to use that to pay off any other older outstanding debt that is hanging around.  I really want to build my credit.  My goal this year included paying down debt and building up my credit score.  So far, I am pretty sure I've been doing that, at least that's what I'm hoping.

I got my permit to teach bootcamps outside. Last week I did free classes.  This week starts the paying people.  $10 drop in or pay $90 for 10 classes to get one free.  I had a few people ask me about doing the $90 option.   I just want to make sure that I make back the money I paid out for the permit to the town.  But I really love doing it.  And I'm having SO much fun with it. 

Things are just good. 

I have amazing friends.  They are all such great people.  Weird not talking to anyone today.  Well, that's not exactly true.  I was at kickboxing this morning and my friend Jill was in class.  Plus all the regulars I'm getting to know there now. 

But my good friends, the ones I hang out with, talk to, go to when I have to talk to someone, they are all GREAT people.  I have found a really great group that I have SO much in common with.  Working hard, single, never married, no kids late 20's to early 40's.  Three live with their boyfriends.  No drama, so much support and everyone just gets along so great.  They are just a great group.  Carrie is hosting a "clothes swap" this Thursday night.  There are 11 of us in total.  We all bring clothes, jewelry, purses, shoes... things we are ready to part with that typically we would give to good will.  Then, you go home with things from everyone else!  :)  And whatever is left, that gets donated.  I can't wait!  I got SO many things last time I went. 

I talk to someone from that group pretty much every day.  Kristin, Carrie, Jill, Tracie, Trisha, Laura, Christine, Aimee, Patty, and Jenn.  Just GOOD people!  And I'm so happy for all the good things that are going on in all of their lives. 

Then my boyfriend.  :)  Things are going so great with him and I.  I feel like we just turned some sort of corner in our relationship.  Things were rough for a couple of months.  It was hard.  But we made it past that and now?  I feel like we are closer and stronger than ever.  He's a really great guy and he just makes me happy.  I laugh with him and think about him all the time.  I love spending time with him.  I'm just happy with him in my life.  Little things. 

I'm just happy.  I still have some struggles in my life.  I'm still figuring out a few things and what direction my life will continue in, but today... right now... things are great.  Really really great.

Loving April

This month really has been great.  Right from April 1st, thing started to turn around and have gotten better and better week by week!  I'm so happy with it all!

I'm so happy with the fitness training.  Things with that are going SO well.  I'm really having fun with it and I know I'm where I need to be and doing what I'm meant to do.  Took me a really long time to get here but I finally have and I'm loving it! 

Tonight I started another session of the Couch to 5K.  I can't believe that this is the 6th time I am doing this!  SIX TIMES!!  Tonight there were about 30 of us at the track and everyone did so amazing!  It was really cool to see.  I can't wait until Wednesday to keep it going. 

My  kickboxing gym is having a contest for referrals.  I was trying to win the $100-500 in prizes they are giving away for that location.  BUT... I'm literally in 1st place NATIONALLY for the referral contest!  That's $2500 for the grand prize!!  I can't even believe it!  I could serious win $3000.  The contest ends in a week and I can't wait.  I'm bugging EVERYONE on my Facebook page, my fitness group's Facebook page, my fitness group in general and my friends, family and co-workers!!

Even the weather is cooperating!  Other than yesterday and today, the weather has been incredible in April.  I think we are going to have a great summer with plenty of beach days.  :)

What else??  Things with my boyfriend are better than ever.  I'm happier than I have ever been with him.  Things in every way have been so great.  Even with his DOG!  LOL! 

Friday night is another night with my friends.  We are going to a fund raising party for our friend doing the Avon Breast Cancer 2 day walk.  It should be a lot of fun!  Saturday night is another fund raising party, this one with my boyfriend for his friend who has ALS.  That one will be a little interesting, but I know it will be fine being there with my boyfriend for the night. 

Life is just really good right now and I'm really happy enjoying this ride!

Spring has Sprung

Maybe it was just the 1st quarter of 2012 that was the bad part.  Since April started, things have started to turn around.  I'm hopefully that they will continue on a good path like this. 

My kickboxing class is amazing.  I really wish I could go more often!  It is just SO much fun.  I can feel such a difference when I go. Tonight was an amazing workout!  I'm not sure if I will be able to lift my arms in the morning, but tonight it was a BLAST!

Things with my fitness training are going great too.  My classes have been going really well and I'm getting great feedback from people.  The more I teach, the more comfortable I have become with it.  I'm waiting to hear back about getting the permit I want for an outdoor bootcamp and I have a possibility of teaching morning classes at another gym as well.  It's all just falling into place. 

My full time job is going well too.  Things have been steady, I'm getting great feedback there from the powers that be and I may be getting some additional responsibilities coming my way as well.  I would love that!  The change would be nice and it is in an area I would love to start focusing on.  The knowledge I would gain could translate into so many other areas for me.

Things with my boyfriend are going really great too.  Where we are at right now is better than it has been at any other point in our relationship.  I am so happy with him and love him so much.  He's a great person.  We have a really great relationship. I have never laughed that much with anyone else.  I have so much fun with him and have never felt more myself with anyone ever.  He gives me the space to be myself without any fear or worry about anything. 

I know I'm lucky with all of the great people I have in my life.  It has taken me a really long time to get where I am.  I have amazing friends and people around me, supporting me in so many ways.  And I am so grateful for everything. 

This weekend is going to be SO much fun!  After work tomorrow, a quick shower, then I'm heading over to my boyfriends house.  We'll head out for dinner but need to get back to his house before 10.  A friend of his from his MMA gym is fighting tomorrow night on Ultimate Fighter, so we'll have to watch that fight. 

Saturday morning I'll be up early and I'm meeting a friend of mine at a new gym I have a 1 month membership to.  We are taking the 8am Body Conditioning class then the 9am Zumba class.  I'll head home after that, get a few things done at home, shower and get ready.  A friend of mine and her husband live over an hour from me but they are looking at a puppy about 5 or 6 miles from my house.  So I'm meeting them for lunch at noon before their 1pm appointment.  It will be fun to catch up with them. 

After lunch, I'll go back home and get all my stuff together.  Then off to the studio to teach my class 2-3pm, the last one of this session!  My friend Tracie is meeting me there at 3.  She has tickets to Saturday's 4pm Sox game, so we'll head into town from there for the game!  I can't wait!  I think this will be the 4th year in a row that I'm making it to an April game.  :)

Most likely after I get home from the game, I'll head over to my boyfriend's house for the night.  Sunday after a lazy morning and taking his dog for a walk, I'll head up to my parent's house to see them since I haven't seen them in 2 weeks.  I'm guessing that night I'll be at the movies with my boyfriend, which is what we typically do on Sunday nights.

I took Monday off of work.  My friend Kristin had it off and wants to go in to see the Boston Marathon.  She had such a great time doing it last year to see me, that she wants to do it again.  Funny thing is... I've been IN the marathon, but I've never been there to actually watch it!  So I'm pretty excited about it. 

So this weekend is going to be busy!  I might need another day off to just recover!

What else... OH!  I added a "Testimonials" page to my website.  I found comments left on my fitness group's webpage and posted those and I asked a few friends to write things up for me. I got one back from my friend Christine tonight.  She's so sweet.  I absolutely LOVE what she wrote for me! 


 "Julie is the type of person who sets goals for herself and doesn't stop until she achieves them, whether it's her first 5K, swimming 50 laps in a pool or running the Boston Marathon.
I did my first 5K training and ran my first race with Julie and I’m currently taking her boot camp training classes.
Julie is someone you want by your side (especially if you’re like me and can make excuses and procrastinate for days) because with her you’ll feel motivated, you’ll gain positive energy and you’ll know that all of this hard work will pay off because you have Julie as an example of what can be possible. “

2012 in general has sucked up until this point.  I keep hoping that things will get better.  They might for a day or 2 but overall... things suck.  I wish I felt better about things could be happier right now.

Saddest part is, I have so many really great things that are going on.  But the bad is just really so bad that it has completely overshadowed the really great!  And I hate that!  I wish I could get past it all, but it hasn't been working out that way. 

I'm going to give myself the rest of tonight to be down.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I'm meeting friends for a 5K and I'm going to have fun.  Next week I'll be busy and the weather is going to be beautiful!!  Spring starts too! 

So I have tonight to be down. Tomorrow, no matter what it takes, I am going to turn things around.  I am going to start to see things better and be happier and more positive. 

Even the couple hundred dollars I spent today didn't help!  An incredible 1 hour massage to start my day, followed by some retail therapy that included a couple pairs of shoes (SO friggin CUTE too!).  Since both pairs are open toe and the weather will be close to 80 next week, on my way home I stopped for the best pedi I have ever had! 

Then I was home for less than an hour before going to teach my bootcamp class.  They did amazing today and I was so proud of them too! 

So yeah, it should be a good day.  But it isn't.  And I don't see me feeling any better about it. 

I have today to be down and tomorrow I need to change things. I need to get myself in a better spot and find a way to be happy again.  Whatever that is going to take. 

Website Lauch

Today obviously started pretty crappy, based on the post I wrote this morning.  Then I went to my kickboxing class which got our LOTS of my stress, then I taught another bootcamp class from 2-3.  That was FUN! 

I still have the same sucky situation going on.  I'm not sure if things can get fixed this time around. I want them to be fixed but I don't know if will be possible this time.  Which is kind of hard to deal with.  Granted, no tears, so that's something.

Then tonight... sitting home, I FINALLY finished my website!  It is NOW up!  YAY!!!  Body By Orsillo is now done and going and live!  I am officially a business, website and all!  :) 

http://bodybyorsillo.com/

Yup... its really there!

So now, relaxing and planning to go to bed early.  The time change is tonight, losing an hour.  Then getting picked up at 10:30 tomorrow morning (so feeling like 9:30) to head up to the last race in this series... a 5 mile road race.

And I'm already exhausted!  Tomorrow is going to kill me! 

Another week & Another Ride

So far I'm not a huge fan of 2012.  The one thing that has been the most consistent for me is the inconsistency of everything.  I've been on a roller coaster ride for over 2 months now and it really is making me sick.

Too many ups and downs, highs and lows.  Just when I think things are done and its smooth sailing now, all of a sudden another big drop just comes out of no where!  It just knocks me right to the ground!

Last weekend when I wrote, that week before was horrible.  Two days in a row of horrible news back to back.  It was tough to take.  I managed and survived and made it through.  Last week was a little better.  I was teetering along.  Nervous to get too comfortable with anything.  I just got both shoes back on.  I was afraid of one dropping again.

Well... I had reason to be worried.  It did drop.  Last night.  And the ride begins again.  I think things are good.  And as soon as I am feeling better about thing, BAM, right in my face it hits me and just throws me for a loop all over again.  

SO now I am surviving again.  Managing again.  Putting on the damn happy face I have unfortunately gotten better and better at.  I hate being fake.  I hate pretending.  But I can't deal with the reality.  I can't handle the emotions of it all right now. 

I know I'm not perfect. I know I make plenty of mistakes.  I forgive people when they make them, if they want it and ask for it.  And try my best to move on.  But when I make a mistake, when I show that I am human and not perfect, why can't I be forgive for that?  Why don't I get that second chance?  Why are grudges held against me? 

I'm lucky I have great friends.  After a very very difficult situation... one quick phone call was all it took.  I got a I'm at X with Y.  Not even a hello.  Then, are you alright?  My answer.  I don't know.  When I showed up where they were, a beer was sitting on the bar waiting for me.  I really do have great friends.  They let me vent.  They listened as I rambled.  They ignored how off the wall I was.  I couldn't sit still.  I couldn't sit.  I needed to move. 

I stayed for that one beer and left.  I went home and didn't sleep.  I tried... but I didn't sleep.  Tossed and turned all night.  I was up at 7:30 this morning. 

I'm glad I went to my kickboxing class today.  I needed to get things out and punching and kicking a bag is a great release for it.  And today was a WORKOUT!  I was dripping in sweat and panting to catch my breath!  But I loved it.  I forgot my life.  I forgot my problems.  I forgot about my roller coaster ride that I don't want to be on.  

And then class was done.  Then my life came back and that roller coaster was right there waiting to take me on another ride. 

When do I make the choice to get off?  Can I make that choice?  Will life keep putting me back on, even if I decide to make certain changes? 

I don't know what I want right now.  I know I'm confused.  I'm upset.  I'm sad.  And I'm angry too.  Very angry.  I have too many emotions running all over the place and I don't know how to manage them right now.  I can't figure things out and I hate the not knowing of it all.  I hate that part!

I just don't know what to do.  I don't know what the future holds and I don't know what's best for me.  I don't know what decisions I should make or even have a clue on what decisions I WANT to make. 

I have lots of thinking to do.  Lots.  It looks like this is going to be another very long week.  Let the roller coaster ride start up again and give me that happy face to throw on.  Time to start pretending. 

March!

Thank God that week is done.  This past week has really been one of the worst of my entire life.  I was on such an emotional rollarcoaster.  It was horrible.  I somehow made it through everything and survived but I really don't know how. 

I was a mess the entire week... crying all the time, angry, sad, depressed.  Devastated.  It was a lot to go through within just a few days. 

At this point, I'm trying to look forward and see where things can go from here and what I want.  I'm trying to see all the positive things in my life and focus on that.  But that can get hard with too many negative things going on at once.  Slowly I'm climbing out and slowly thing will improve. 

Today is my first class teaching bootcamp.  I just had my final spot filled too.  The class starts in just over two hours.  I'm nervous and excited.  I know it will go well, but I really just want to get this first one done and have that under my belt to move forward.  Its exciting to see something I want so much and have worked towards to be happening.

SO... time to review February, the good, bad and very very ugly!

Here are what I had set for goals and how I did:

Personal Fitness-
Get back into running. Log over 15 miles for the month. Nope- only did 1 3 mile race last Sunday and felt it in my back.
Swim at least once a week - I didn't swim once in February!
work out 4-5 days a week each week- I did work out a lot in Feb, but I'm not exactly sure how many days each week... but pretty close to that. 
Lose the couple of remaining pounds to get back to my goal. - I'm under 130 again and have been for about 2 weeks, but that was more being sick and being stressed.

Fitness Training-
Take and PASS the 3 classes (be certified!!!) - took all my classes, including the online ones, need to wait for the certification
Decide on a business name - Done, Body By Orsillo
Get a webpage and business cards - working on webpage, want debit card first to order the business cards out of that account.
Open a bank account for the business - done, waiting on debit card
Look into getting insurance or what would be necessary - need the certification info back first.
Continue to talk to Alex about teaching with her - Done.  Class starts today.
Talk to Bridget to teach with her - no open space that would work for me.
Make 2 new contacts through networking - ?  I'm not sure I did this, but still progressing with things
Look into & consider registering for Kickboxing Skills class - Decided not to do right now.
Look into & consider registering for Zumba Instructor training class. -  Decided not to do right now.

Financial Success-
Have all bills paid & up to date in month. - yes
Get headlamp fixed and car inspected. not yet, but figured out what I'm going to do
Register for CPR class. Waiting on Debit card to pay for out of business account
Get taxes done. Done and received
Pay off something on credit report. Not yet, just got taxes back yesterday and want to review, haven't had time yet.
Cross sell/close at least 2 commission bonus policies for March income. - Still working prospects, but didn't close any sales.
If financially possible, register for another fitness instruction class (Kickboxing and/or Zumba) Decided not to do this.
So I guess overall it doesn't look too bad.  I didn't make any many of my personal fitness goals, which is funny because I was at kickboxing a lot and love it.  That has been my new release, punching and kicking.  I don't love the new place I've been going with my next Groupon. Its unorganized and not as much fun.  Kickboxing is SO fun.  This place just isn't. 

I've made a lot of progress on getting my own business going.  Things are moving pretty quickly with that.  I need to get the certification info back, get the insurance and all that, so I can get the permit with the town to teach outdoor classes starting the end of April.  But the business account is in place, and I'm starting to teach today.  That's HUGE progress.

Financially, good thing I got my taxes back.  Last month, I put out a few hundred dollars with things for this business out of my own unbudgeted money and that put me back a little.  But now I can sort of pay myself back with the taxes and pay off a few things.  Got my excise tax and my registration renewal paid yesterday, plus cable and electric bills.  My insurance bills are up to date, car payment too.. and that will be paid off in either July or August too. 

And today, people will pay me for the bootcamp.  After I pay for the studio, I'll still be making $250 clear for 6 hours of teaching, so that's not too bad.  Granted, I've already put in over $250 to get here, but that's alright.  When I do the outdoor bootcamp, I'll be making much more than that for only 2 hours a week.

I'll have to find out how much the permit is going to cost me, but even if I have only 10 people sign up for the first session, I'll be making over $80 an hour.  I can take that, doing something fun and that I love! 

So finances are getting better and so is the business thing.  And I love working out and taking kickboxing. 

Other things that are good. 

Full time job is alright.  Nothing too crazy and I feel pretty secure in my job and how things are going.
I have the best friends in the world, even people I really didn't know would be there... I'm just lucky.

I really do have the best people around me.  It took me a very very long time to get here, to have a big support system around me with so many amazing people.  Everyone is fun, positive and without drama!  I've wanted this for so long I'm so happy to have the people in my life who I have.  I appreciate them all so much and try to let them all know it too. 

This week just sucked, but I will move forward and move ahead and be better and stronger for it.  And I will learn from everything that happened. 

Things with my boyfriend have been challenging to say the least.  I know that he loves me.  I have absolutely no doubt about that.  With some of the issues that have come up, I've lost a sense of security I had with me that I really want to get back.  I'm pretty sure he'll work to help me get it back with him and I know that he wants things to move ahead for us.  I just have to trust and that can be really really hard for me, especially because things that have happened have just hurt. 

SO... here we are, at the start of another month.  February was full of challenges and ups and downs, but also was full of progress too.  Big accomplishments were met and more will follow.

My goals for March:

Personal Fitness-

• Join kickboxing and go twice a week at least
• Go to the 2 yoga classes they are having this month
• Get to Pilates at least twice, use new Groupon, or try for old?
• Continue to use up Groupon to CATZ and TRY to enjoy it
• Run at least once during every week in addition to the weekend races

Fitness Training-

• Take another class in March.
• Teach my weekend classes successfully!
• Order Business Cards
• Register for CPR/First Aid
• Call about getting Permit
• Ask Pilates Gym about any opportunities
• When all info back on certification, get insurance
• Finish setting up website

Financial Success-

• Pay something on credit report
• Cross sell SOMETHING this month, Close at least 1
• Get light fixed and inspection sticker on car
• Try to pay a little extra on car loan

So that's it.  That's where I'm at.  That's what I want to do and to accomplish for the month. 

This week... baby steps.
Sign up for Kickboxing, go twice
Go to CATZ at least once
Run at least once after Sunday's race
As soon as debit card comes in, order business cards, register for CPR and sign up for class
Work on Website completion.
Make a budget for the entire month of March of what is paid when and out of where. KEEP money saved up. 

Here is too a good March... my fingers are crossed!

I'm not sure how it is possible to have two horrible days in a row.  Days with absolutely horrible news... one after another. Completely unrelated events and information, but so horrible and so crushing. One after another.  How is that possible? 

I can't even process all of this right now.  I can't.  I was going to go to yoga, but I can't go out.  I can't leave my house right now.  I can't even pretend to be alright right now.  I can't fake it like I did most of yesterday and today.  Not after this second blow. 

I can't fake it anymore.  I can't process this.  I can't handle anything else happening right now.  I'm afraid to look at email or check my phone for any messages.  I'm afraid now of what else could happen and blind side me.  I can't do anymore.

Today I got over the numbness I felt from yesterday.  Its back.  I'm just numb again.  This sucks.  So much for trying to be positive and see the positive sides and be grateful for what I have and all that other bullshit. 

This is too much, too big and too crushing to deal with back to back.  I can't do anymore. I can't take anymore.  I just can't. 

Today sucked.  I'm not sure why I'm still writing because there isn't much more to day about it.  It just sucked.  Within the first 30 minutes of waking up and it didn't get any better. 

I ran for the first time yesterday in over a month and tonight took a new fitness class.  My back is THROBBING right now.  I already took something for it but it isn't working. 

Nothing is going well for me today.  Nothing.  I've tried to hold it together all day, but I just don't know if I can.  I don't know how I'm going to handle going to work tomorrow but I can't sit home all day either.  I just called in sick 3 weeks ago.  And that was already the 2nd time this year.  It isn't even March yet!  I can't call in again. 

But I know I won't be able to focus at work.  I know I won't get ANY work done at all.  But I'll be a mess at home.  I'm just afraid I'd end up being a mess at work too.  I don't know.  I guess it depends if I sleep at all tonight or not.  I have a feeling I won't. 

Today just sucks.  I can mark it down as one of the worst days in the past 2 years, at least.