Month's review and looking forward

I just looked over the goals for the month of May that I posted for the beginning of the month. I don't think I did all that well. The topic of surrender STILL keeps coming up for me, but I'm not doing a wonderful job at it.
SO a quick recap.
Goal 1, don't talk bad about other. Yeah, failed. There are a few people in my work and personal life who keep coming up. The same sentance starts for 3 people (2 work, one personal) "I hate _____(fill in name)" Can't stand all 3 of them. Don't want them in my life at all anymore. The one in my personal life, I've done a pretty good job at creating lots of distance between us, but she still comes around at times, including once last week and a WHOLE bunch of very ignored emails. The other 2? Two different accounts I need to handle at work... gotta deal. I just vent by saying I hate them both. I need something more productive next month! :)

Goal 2, don't be tied to my, and others expectations. Failed this too. My boss called me in his office on Friday to tell me that I was not allowed to check emails over my 5 day weekend. He can see my stress. I wanted to scream at him that he created most of it with an unrealistic deadline that he set. But he said my dept did "good enough" that our accounts are happy. Funny... when I wrote my goal, I was even mentioning this deadline in it! Yup, still not done.

Goal 3, Only control my responses. Yeah, my responses weren't too good. That was another part of being called into my boss's office. My very obvious stress level. SO, my back is worse, TMJ is back, headaches are starting up again.... gotta love stress. I really need to focus on this one. When I am stressed or in certain situations or around certain hot buttons (like my mother!) I lose control easily.

Goal 4, Proud of my accomplishments. I think I did ok on this one. I did my best at work. I tried and did pretty good at golfing. I did my best at the 5K training. And I keep eatting better than I have ever eatten in my life! I'm doing ok.

I need to relax more. I need to get rid of my stress and find better ways at handling it. Today was good... a nice day at the beach (after a huge blow out with my mother, but after 15 minutes at her house, what else is really expected?)
I want to go to the beach again tomorrow by myself, then on Wednesday morning too. The beach helps me to relax and be centered... just the sun and the sand and ocean air... ahh... I love summer!

SO my goals for June??

1)Have at least 1 postive way I dealt with stress by the end of June. Just one! I'm aiming small to start.

2) Keep with my fitness goals, and even if I fall off track (HA HA, no pun intended, but I still LOVE it!) with my 5K training, be able to run 2 miles straight, 3 times a week by the end of the month!

3) Don't weigh myself the entire month of June. I weighed myself on mom's scale today, after eatting breakfast, lunch, snacks and a ton of crap, and I was 143. I can weigh myself at mom's come July, but I cannot weigh myself on any scale for the entire month of June.

4) Have at least 2 situations where I knowingly gave up control by the end of June. I have lots of control issues and I need to let go more. My goal is to CHOOSE to give up control twice... to make a choice and effort and realize it is happening, twice in June.

Relaxed?

7:45 on Sunday morning. I'm watching the news, laying in bed, getting ready to get up. I told mom I'd be at her house by 9am. We are hitting the beach today. I can't wait. Going to be a really nice day today... weather said pushing 90.

Yesterday I did some more on the closet room and got it much more organized. I still have a bunch of clothes to go through, but I'm happy with it so far. And, um, I always knew I had lots of shoes, but seeing it all out the way it is now?? WOW! I counted. Shoes, flip flops, sneakers and boots? Yeah, I can SEE 60 pairs. I have a large box of summer shoes I can't see to count. That's kind of a lot. But I love them all!

Oh, I colored my hair yesterday. More of an ashy blonde. I'm hoping today at the beach will even it all out and brighten it up. I want to go to the beach on my own tomorrow too. Depends on how I feel in the morning.

I need to grab books so I have something to read at the beach today... that and my sunscreen. High tide is just before 2, so that'll work too. And I want to hit the beach on Wednesday morning too. Ahhh... Nice day!

This 5 day off thing is great! I still have 4 more including today! :)

Now at 2pm on Saturday... still in my pj's, laying in bed, watching a marathon of "Royal Pains" on USA. Didn't watch is last season but like it so far.

I've also hung a picture in the new bedroom, put my shoe rack back together, and started organizing the new closet room. I like the way it is coming together. I still have quite a bit to do, but so far so good. I am very happy with my house.

And one more thing... I'm relaxed! I feel good. I slept until about 10am. I'm happy and I'm enjoying the start of my vacation.

I think I'm going to go out later today and buy some hair color and go lighter tonight before I hit the beach tomorrow! Ahh.... I'm good. This is good. This is what I needed. :)

It is 7:15 on Friday night of Memorial Day weekend. I got out of work today at 3pm and have already been pretty productive. I decided a few days ago to switch around some rooms in my house. I have a room I use for my dressers, basically what I call "the closet room" and then the room that has my bed and tv. So I moved all of that around... including the queen size bed. I LOVE the new room with the bed in it.
I now have windows and a ceiling fan in my bedroom. Should have done this right away! But now I'll appreciate it more.
The new closet room is A MESS. I finished the bedroom then gave up. I have SO much on the floor in that room. I'll do it all tomorrow.

And here's the thing... I could do it tomorrow, if I feel like it, or not. I have 5 whole days off! 5! WOW! Sunday I'm going to the beach with mom, and Tuesday I have plans with D (lunch and SATC movie) then golf lessons. Wednesday I have a doctors apt at 1:45 and running at 6:30.
Those are ALL the plans I have over the next 5 days. That's it.
I want to run tomorrow too, but whenever. I want to shop and buy a few things, I want to color my hair tomorrow, and maybe get it trimmed too.
SO at some point I need to clean my house, but I get to pick when over the next 5 days! And then.... I can relax. The whole 5 days to relax and not stress.
Ahh.... I am already feeling better! :)

Have to leave in 30 minutes for my first golf lesson! Nervous, but excited to try this. Can't wait. And I LOVE the little outfit I bought to wear for this. I figure, if I suck at golf, at least I can look cute doing it! :)
There are going to be 19 of us taking this lesson, with 3 golf pro's. Should be a blast! Some of my friends can't believe I'm doing this.

I got an interesting comment today at work when I was talking about golf. She said something to me about my bootcamps and 5K training and now golf. She told me I am an overachiever. I kind of disagree. I love fitness and sports and I love trying new things.

I also realized that the 5K training is VERY good for me mentally. When I am on the track, I am completely present in that moment. Being on the track is all that exists. I love that. Work doesn't exist, stress is gone. It is just about me and running. That's it.

Tommorrow is going to be tough. Same distance as yesterday but in 2 attempts, not 3. Last night was a total of 1 1/2 miles, but it was split into three 1/2 mile runs with a 1/4 mile walk in between. Tomorrow is run 3/4 mile, walk a 1/4, run 3/4 mile. NICE! Same distance, but 3 laps is SO much more than 2 at the track! :)

Hey, I decided that all I can do is my best. Thats my new motto. At work and at play. All I can do is my best. It doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to be my best!

And one more thing... 3 more mornings then I have 5 WHOLE DAYS OFF! :)

I have had an extremely unproductive, yet very fulfilling day. It is after 4pm and I am still in the sweats I slept in. I watched almost all 4 hours of the Godfather, I ate berries sprinkled with Splenda, I slept in, I read a magazine. Yup, I'm feeling good and I'm feeling about as relaxed as I have in months.
I haven't had a day like this in a while and it was nice. Yesterday when I got home from work I wrote out a list of a few things I wanted to accomplish over the weekend. So far I haven't done one of them, but at least the intention is there.
I did break a small rule, well more like a promise. I logged on to my work email. But only for a moment. I received a voice mail yesterday from someone at work wanting me to text her information. I don't have her cell phone number and she called me from a landline. Instead of actually having to have a conversation with someone known as "the football bitch", I logged on and emailed her the information she was looking for. I didn't want to completely ignore her call, and it was the best and quickest way to respond.
I haven't run yet this weekend and was really supposed to today. But that's ok. I can do it in the morning before I go to my parents house.
Tonight I'm hanging out with a group of friends at a friends house who has Wii. Should be a good time and I really like most of the group that's going. (one person slightly annoys me, but I'm willing to overlook it). I was considering backing out, but I know that I have a problem with reaching out to people and I have a problem with developing new friendships. SO.... I am going to go tonight and see what happends.
And tomorrow night I am going out with my fitness group. I organized a roller skating event. I think there are 15 of us going so it should be fun. I'm looking forward to it, but I hope that my day isn't too rushed trying to get there.

I don't know if I have ever been this happy for a Friday. This was a week from HELL! Work is absolutely insane, my department is falling apart and I hit my limit. I worked over 10 hours just yesterday! I'm fried and I'm spent. I have nothing left. I got home from work just under 3 hours ago. I have been on the sofa for most of that time and I can barely function at this point.
I know I am completely overloaded at work. I know I need help. I know the expectations they have for my department are not realistic. I'm doing my best to deal with it all. One more week. Five more days, then I have five whole days off! WOW! I can't wait!! :)
What are the good things that happened this week?
Sunday was a great day with my friend D. She saw my apartment for the first time. We had fun shopping, a great lunch (the best salad EVER!), and went for a 3 1/2 mile walk.
Monday and Wednesday I did my 5K training. I did have to add in a little extra walking time, but I did everything that I was supposed to do for running. I'm proud of that!
I walked at lunch for a half hour on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday with Tammie. It was nice to get out of the building each day for 30 minutes. And I am getting to know and like Tammie even more.
I love half a pound at my weigh-in on Thursday. I'm still heading in the right direction.
The weather got better and is still getting better. Next week could hit 85!
I have cleaned my house and started a new donate pile of clothes that I can downsize even more.
I haven't logged on to my work email ONCE from home in over a week!
I haven't gotten one email from the person who sends me millions, and I haven't seen her all week either!
I have my boss on my side with the work we are doing and with the one account that is up my butt. He understands the problems and continues to be extremely supportive.
I did at least 30 minutes of exercise every day this week except for Tuesday. I don't know the last time I did that well! And tomorrow I'm going to the track to do my 5K training.
I get to do NOTHING all day tomorrow if I don't want to! :)
So... I did find many good things this week. That's great! I need to keep focusing on all the positives in my life and keep managing the stress!

Today I did my 5K training with a twist. We had our make up for national run a mile day. I did 2 1/2 laps, then walked 1/2 a lap, then ran the last lap. With walking, I still did a mile in 10:27. That's pretty good! I feel good too! I think I'm walking the lake with my cousin later and I'm walking with my friend D tomorrow. As long as I do SOMETHING every day! :) I just need to keep on top of it and stay motivated. It's tough! But I know the results will be worth it.
This week overall was not a good week, but it is the weekend and I am going to focus on that. I will have fun! :)
Ok, time to get in the shower and get going! Happy Saturday! :)

101 list

I'm still trying to work on my list. This month I will still be trying new things... I am starting golf lessons later this month, so that'll count for new fitness and learn to golf. I am also looking into horse back riding too! Should be fun. Some of the things on my list aren't really important to me anymore. I don't want a new bedroom set at this point. I don't need one. I made the list when I lived somewhere else.
I feel good with where I am at on the list... I'm not quite 1/2 way time wise on the list.

I really want to try to be more positive and work on managing my stress more. I'm just tired and fried at work. I wish things were in better shape there. It causes me so much stress sometimes. I need a better way to deal with it all. I think I am getting there. I survived this week, and that's a big deal. This week was hell! But it is over and this is the weekend.

I am happy that I went walking at lunch tonight. I really want to stick with that. Going forward it is really important that I do at least 30 minutes a day of some sort of exercise!! I want to be healthy and in shape. I'd love to lose more weight, but I need to work harder for that to happen. Tomorrow I want to go to Alex's class again. She has a GREAT workout and I haven't gone in a while. I know it'll make me sore, but it'll be a good sore. I need to be more active with weights.

Ahh... its Friday! Happy weekend!

I got so stressed out last night. I had so much on my mind it was just racing. I wrote in my journal trying to get it all out but it didn't work. I was in bed for ever and my mind wouldn't relax. I didn't really sleep and I felt like crap.
SO I called in sick today. I took the day off, slept super late. I am still in my pj's at 3pm. This is exactly what I needed. I feel better.
I know this week is going to be crazy at work, but I'll have to deal with it. After sleeping and resting, I feel better. I need to learn to take better care of myself. Today was the start of that. I need to listen to what my mind and body both need to be healthy.

I need to learn a way to deal with how I feel when other people piss me off. I can get so angry. I really just want to say F off, but I know that's not the best way to handle things. SO I get even more angry, then I get frustrated with myself for getting that angry. I don't know the best way to handle it.
I have a couple of people who get to me like that, some at work and some social. The social ones are easier, I have pushed them further and further away so I don't have to deal with them as much. Other's are tougher. One person, no matter how much I say, back off, she just doesn't! It sucks! It is even harder when she doesn't get it and keeps on and keeps on. I can't make her go away and I HAVE to see her in certain social situations. I wish she'd just go away but I know she won't.
I wish I knew how to tell her to go away and have her actually hear it. I can't control other people, and I get that, but I wish I could better control my emotions with how actions other people take make me feel. I hate drama, I hate bs and that's all this crap is.
I want to know how to let it go.

I'm already struggling with my goals for May. I talk about people I don't like... I just do. There aren't a lot of them, but those that I don't like, I will talk crap about. URGH! Hard to change. I have been better able to release expectations and control of goals and of not letters others crap get to me for the most part, minus a small exception.
The one I am doing well on is being proud of the small accomplishments. Saturday I had a great day of fitness and it was fun. Yesterday I did my 5K training and I was really proud of it. I did really well. Then tonight I met with a friend of mine and we walked about 2 miles. That was really cool! I worked almost 10 hours today, then went for a walk. It was a nice way to wind down. And as much as I wanted McDonalds on my way home, I didn't go! I skipped it! That was good too! :)
I am proud of those accomplishments. I did well. I can keep doing this too. OH, and I am writing in my fitness food/exercise journal too. I think it'll be good for me to keep track of it especially when I look back.
I really hope I do well when I weigh in at work on Thursday. I'm nervous about it. I want to have a good week and stay on track. Hopefully it'll work out. I still want to have my goal of weighing less on June 5th than I did on June 5th 1992 when I graduated HS. I have about 13 pounds left. In 4 1/2 weeks. That's tight! But with running, Maybe?? We'll see. It'll be cool if I can get to under 130 by then either way.

Month of May

The start of a new month is always fresh and exciting... a nice new start. Doesn't hurt with the weather the Boston area had this weekend. Today hit 90 and I'm working on the tan! :) Already getting started for summer.

The theme of surrender or letting go keep coming up for me. When I start to notice the same thing again and again, I realize the universe is trying to get me to pay attention. After receiving my weekly email from life coach, Cheryl Richardson and the same topic came up yet again... I finally got the message.
Combining the new month and the idea of surrender, (and copying an idea of monthly goals) I have a few of my own goals for May. Originally my list was only 3, all on Cheryl's email...

And let me go back to that for a minute. Of her whole weekly email, one question stuck out. "What do I need to let go of in order to welcome in the new life I desire?" She said to write down whatever comes up. Some of my answers were a little strange, but they all got me thinking. That's how I came up with my monthly May goals.

The areas I want to focus on for May (and I'm trying to phrase them all in a positive tone) are:

1) If I can't say something nice about someone, I won't say it at all.
Now that's going to be a really big one for me. I LOVE to vent and gossip about people who piss me off and people I don't like. I LOVE it and do it all day long. If I want more "real" relationships and less superficial relationships in my life, then I need to give up the gossiping and talking badly about others. It'll be tough, but I have to do try.

2) I give up frustration with unfulfilled expectations and release all unrealistic expectations, my expectations or any expectations set on me by others.
This one is more for work, considering how much time I spend there, and toss in the extra time I log in from home (Cheryl's email was delivered to my work email account... I read it when I finished clearing out my new emails delivered over the weekend!). We have huge projects going on and many eyes are on us. I was trying to give realistic expectations of June 1st to finish things up and get on the right track. My boss wanted May 15th. I laughed. :) I can only do what I can do. Hmmm... that might be a better one for #2. Same idea!

3) I can only control my responses to others, so I let go of any attempt at control of other's thoughts, perceptions, expectations or reactions.
This is a big one. Kind of deep for me on a Sunday night, but I like it. I need to really focus on this one. It goes along with #2, that I can only do what I can do. I can't control what others think or feel or how they put their crap on me. That's about them, not me. I need to remember that.
(I'm going to have to keep re-reading this all month! I have a feeling that by 9am tomorrow after I have another 15 emails in my inbox, I'll be flipping about what other people what me to do and complaining about them... breaking all 3 right off the bat! But that's ok... I just need to get refocused and do my best!)

4) I am going to be proud at all of the small accomplishments I achieve during the month.
This will include work, eating right, the 5K training (started again last week, tomorrow night starts week 2),and any other exercise I do. I need to focus on the accomplishments I achieve, not on the few expectations I don't meet.

This month is going to be hard. With all of this letting go and surrender getting slapped in my face, it is about time I took notice. Hopefully the goals I have set for myself are obtainable.
I think May is going to be a good month and off to the right start.