I am a planner by nature.  I organize a fitness group and plan out those events.  With my group of friends, I am the one who plans the nights out, picks the date and puts the details together.  For work, I give trainings to new accounts and schedule times and make sure everything that needs to be done is. 

Over the years I have done my best to be less rigid and to be better able to handle curve balls.  I've had HUGE progress with that.  I still don't love surprises.  I still need a plan.  And I REALLY need to have expectations set.  I don't do well when something outside of any possibility is tossed at me. 

Last night was one of those nights.  Things I never ever would have or could have expected were thrown at me.  I tried my best to roll with it and go with it, but was more than a few steps outside of any level of comfort I have.  I was being asked to do things that are just not part of who I am.  And it was NOT fun. 

I'm a little surprised at the severity of my reaction to it.  I was so uncomfortable, felt so humiliated.  It was such a horrible experience.  But I was so upset.  It took well over an hour for me to stop crying.  Anytime I started to think or talk about it, I started up again.  Even today telling a friend about it on the phone.  I could hear my voice going when I said how humiliating the experience was. 

I just didn't expect it.  Trying to roll with, trying to have fun with it, trying to be fun... it wasn't enough and even more was being pushed on to me.  I'm glad I stood my ground and didn't compromise my values at all.  I know my limits and I know when I set a line in the sand, I do not cross that. 

In the past, I've written how I don't feel judged by my boyfriend and by my friend Michelle.  Those really are 2 of the only people in my entire life that I feel have not judged me or any part of my life.  Any experiences I have are not bad or shocking.  They are just experiences and part of what makes up me. 

With almost everyone else in my life or anyone who was in my life, I have felt like different parts of me, different experiences from my past were being judged and used to judge me.  I guess, how I grew up, the people in my life, and that so many people I have had around me just judged me... I didn't feel like I was all that conservative of a person.  I have a past.  I've had some pushing the limits times.

My boyfriend always jokes about the town I'm from.  That just because that's where I'm from, I'm sheltered and conservative.  He's said... Its not like your a Chelsea girl!  And I guess in a way that's true.  But up until last night, I didn't really realize it. 

Now I do.  I am much more conservative than I realized I was.  I know my limits.  I know my ideals.  I know what lines I will not cross.  Being pushed and pushed to cross a line that I know is not something I could or would ever be comfortable with was not a fun experience.  And in front of a crowd, being told I was "dismissed" because I wouldn't publicly cross one of those lines?  That was humiliating. 

And I don't know why it was humiliating.  I stood my ground.  I stuck to my values.  I didn't cross a line that I am not comfortable crossing.  Shouldn't that be a good thing?  Shouldn't I be proud of that?  Why was I in tears for an hour, so upset and angry for being in that position? 

I felt completely out of control last night.  It was not something I wanted to do.  In fact, several times I clearly stated it was something I did NOT want to do.  But in a crowd, pushed, I tried to play the part and roll with it.  I tried to have fun with it.  I tried to put on a smile and go with the flow, as uncomfortable as it was and as out of my element as I was.  I tried.  I really honestly tried. 

But I kept getting pushed, further and further and harder and harder.  More than anyone else, more than the other 4 people who were with me.  And I stood my ground in front of that crowd.  I didn't cross the line I knew I wouldn't cross and would never cross.  And then, in front of that crowd, I was dismissed. 

What a horrible feeling!  I was uncomfortable going into the whole situation.  Meeting dozens of people I've never met.  Put into a situation I have never been in, in an environment that is completely nothing I have ever experienced or wanted to experience.  Not my crowd, not my scene.  Not my idea of fun.  Then to be called out, in a bigger crowd, pushed and pushed and ultimately "dismissed"?  That was awful. 

When I was back at my seat, I was immediately a mess.  As much as I didn't want to cause a scene, I might have.  I was trying to keep my voice down, but you can't really flip out and swear quietly.  When I was told, "I thought it would be fun for you", I completely lost it.  I have absolutely no idea how many "F" bombs I dropped. 

What part of ME is THAT?  How the F would I have fun with that?  How would that be F'in FUN for me?  I have never felt so F'in humiliated ever!  I shouldn't have f'in come.  I shouldn't f'in be here.  If I had my own car, I would f'in leave NOW.  THIS is NOT f'in fun for me.  How the F would you think this would be f'in fun for me?  I f'in told you I didn't want to f'in do this! 

OH, I went OFF.  I was in tear.  And I don't cry pretty.  Red, swollen and blotchy face.  Yeah, SO not pretty. 

And then leaving shortly after that, walking past a group of people who could easily see my face (even heard a comment... a guy say 'Oh'.  Yeah, cuz THAT helped!).  I was so upset all night.  I had horrible nightmares.... drug addicts after me, trying to rape & kill me in a house they were squatting in.  The police knew about it and weren't there to help.  They just sat there and watched.  

Hmm... guess that kind of says it all, huh?  Last night I felt like I was being attacked.  Someone I feel safe with, protected by, didn't do anything.  Just sat there and watched it all.  Guess I replayed it all out in my dream. 

Last night was not fun for me.  As open minded as I am, as much as I try to push myself out of my comfort zone and continually want to try new things, I purposely do not put myself in situations I know I do not want to be in.  I knew I should go last night.  I said it yesterday to a friend.  I did not want to go.  But I went against my judgement.  When I was called out with a few others, I had already said that I didn't want to do that.  But I did.  I tried, I rolled with it as best as I could.  But it still didn't stop.  I still got pushed.  And when I stood my ground hard and wouldn't be pushed, I was "dismissed" for it.  Literally told, you are dismissed.  Nice, huh?  F'ing C.  I seriously wanted to knock that DB out! 

Instead, I lost it. I cried.  I flipped out.  And I went off on the person who I feel safe with, who I feel stood by and didn't protect me in this situation.  I went the F off! 

So... now, I need to let this go.  I need to just learn from it, release it and let it go.  It'll eat at me if I let it.  Not worth that.  I don't want to do that.  I know I won't be part of that again.  I know I won't go there again.  And I know I need to trust in me more.  Trust in my instincts more.  Stand up for myself and for my instincts more when I feel like I am being pushed.  And I need to push back. 

I've been in a funk for a couple of days now and I can't figure out why.  I'm tired and not excited to go to work today, even with getting out early.  I'm just not excited. 

I am the kind of person who needs something to look forward to.  Right now I don't have anything.  Nothing.  I'm taking my fitness classes in February.  That's it.  I have NO other plans between now and when I go to the Cape in July.  Nothing at all. 

I have NOTHING to look forward to.  Nothing super fun to plan for. 

Just in a big funk. 

At least this is a weekend.  Leaving work at 3pm and off on Monday.  Those are my only positives.  But I just want to keep my sweats on and crawl under my blanket.  That's not an option right now. 

This weekend I'll be doing my end of 2011 review and trying to set up some goals for 2012.  It'll be interesting to see where that goes and what I end up with. 

And now its over

All the crazy rushing, to do lists, shopping, wrapping, baking... and it is just over so quickly!  But I love Christmas.  I love it so much.  Seeing everyone, all the food, people happy.  It is one of my favorite holidays. 

Saturday was nuts.  After I got off of my computer, I spent more time knitting one more scarf, which I had to stop doing to move on.  Then I finished making over 100 truffles.  Once those were in the fridge, I started wrapping my Christmas gifts... yes, STARTED wrapping the gifts.  I had to pack my bag with my clothes and everything I needed to get ready, after I showered and got ready for Christmas Eve. 

I think I left my house around 2:30 to head over to my boyfriends house and completely unpack my car.  I can't believe how much I had with me!  We packed up his car and headed up north of Boston.  We stopped at 3 restaurants to get gift certificates and at Walgreens.  My boyfriend needed a gift bag for his nephews gift (which they were obviously out of Christmas bags!). 

The whole time we were in the car, we were listening to the 2nd half of the Patriots game, which YAY!  They won!  :) 

And of course my boyfriend needed to stop to get his car washed at that point... so we finally got to my grandfather's house around 5.  I stayed there for dinner which was pretty quiet until about 30 or so cousin's from next door popped over.  (side note... my cousin is maybe 6'7" tall.  He is married with 2 kids.  Last year they were living in Colorado and didn't come home for Christmas because she was VERY pregnant.  So I knew that his son was under a year old.  OH MY GOD is Zack HUGE!  He is 11 months old and wearing a size 18 months.  He is so long and weighs 30 pounds!  He's NOT a year!  LOL!)

It was pretty cool to see the whole family though.  I gave my grandfather a set of rosary beads that I had hand made for him out of roses I had from my grandmother's funeral.  They were absolutely beautiful!  They came out so pretty.  He was cute too...was getting teared up just from the Christmas card I got for him.  I love my grampy! 

My boyfriend had only dropped me off at my grandfather's house and left after a few minutes to head over to his mother's house where his family did their Christmas eve thing.  He got back to my grandfather's house around 9 to hang out with us for a bit there.  My family exchanged the rest of our gifts, then we cleaned up and headed home. 

We stopped by my house so I could run in and give the cats some more food.  They have been on a strict schedule for eating... I feed them between 7-8 am & pm.  Christmas Eve morning they ate a little late, around 9.  Then I left out cans around 2:30 when I left and put more food in when we stopped by my house around 11pm that night on our way home.  Nuts!

And my boyfriends poor dog!  He left him out before I got there on Christmas Eve, so he was out around 2 or 2:30.  But we didn't get back until about 11:30!  Poor thing must have had his legs crossed waiting for us.  At least he didn't have an accident or anything. 

Christmas night was tough sleeping.  I gave the dog a toy on Christmas Eve before we went out. It was a hard plastic ball about 5 or 6 inches in diameter with 3 holes cut out of it.  Inside is a soft plastic ball.  But he can't get it out with the hard plastic around it.  Rocco LOVES that toy!  LOVES! 

Well, we went to bed Christmas Eve night, maybe around 11:45 or so.  Rocco was in the room with us as always.  Around 1am, he must have gotten that ball stuck under the bed and he couldn't reach it.  So he started crying.  And crying.  And crying!  Then when we weren't moving (my boyfriend sleeps with headphones on to not hear any noise, so he couldn't hear any of this!), Rocco started pulling on the blankets.  From the foot of the bed, he was biting the blankets and pulling them off of me! 

I was seriously fighting with a 110 pound dog to keep blanket on me!  And he wouldn't stop crying!  This might have gone on for 30-45 minutes.  I ended up waking my boyfriend up while I was fighting for blankets with the dog.  He got up, found the damn ball, and threw it up high on the dresser.  The dog was STILL crying for a while but finally he fell asleep. 

My boyfriend wakes up before dawn, which drives me INSANE.  We were up before 7am!  URGH!  But it was fun.  He didn't have a tree and didn't want a tree.  Sort of threw a fit when I said I wanted to buy a little potted tree.  So I went out and bought the most obnoxious tree I could find.  Less than a foot tall, with lights and Mickey Mouse on top.  By clicking it on, the lights flick and it plays music, maybe 10 songs.  SO obnoxious!  LOL!  But we needed a tree!  He laughed. 

I gave him a stocking with little stuffers, plus coal. :)  Then he opened his real gift.  The Hammock. The hammock, the stand, the storage bag, the pillow and even the cup holder!  He LOVED it.  Even this morning he said he was thinking of setting it up in his spare room.  I'm REALLY glad I got that for him.  He was surprised, but loved it!  Worked out well. 

I had told him that whatever he gave me, I wanted a card!  Well, he had already told me on his birthday that his card for me was short and sweet.  So I knew there was a card.  When he handed me the box with my Christmas gift, no card on it!  He told me to just open it. 

He got me an absolutely beautiful Coach bag.  SO not something I would ever get for myself and I love it!  :)  A silver and black satchel bag.  SO pretty.  I could never ever spend $300 on purse, but I LOVE this bag!  Love. 

And inside the purse was the super sweet and great Christmas card that he got for me.  I loved it. 

After we finished opening gifts, after the Dunkin run, we showered and got ready for the day.  We left his house just after 9am, stopped at my house to give the cats more food, then made a quick stop at Walgreens near me.  With his 3 previously trips to Walgreens, he never got a card for my parents.  They had ONE Christmas card that was all wordy and what not.  He was so funny describing what he almost bought them instead of that!  Too funny. 

We got up to my parents house around 10:15 and exchanged gifts there.  That was when I finished up the scarf I gave to my aunt Mary for Christmas.  From mom and dad's, we went over to my aunt Marion's house and did the whole Christmas thing with them for a bit and caught up with everyone.  It was the first time my mom's family met my boyfriend, so that was nice.  I really wanted him to meet my cousin Jenn. 

One of my cousin's got engaged yesterday.  I'm happy for her.  Everyone kept asking if she had set a date.  Um, she was engaged for 30 minutes!  I doubted it!  LOL!

We left my aunts house just before 1 and went over to my boyfriends parents house.  His mom had cleaned a chain for him and she had his grandfather's chain that she wanted him to have.  That was really nice too.  He had been close to his grandfather, so he loved that. 

His parents had been going through one of their safes, where that chain had been and found a bunch of old jewelry.  They pulled a few pieces to show me.  HOLY COW!  His dad showed him his Rolex that he said will one day be my boyfriends, but he can borrow if he ever needs it for a dressy event or something.  Such a gorgeous watch!  WOW! 

And then some of his mother's jewelry!  HOLY CRAP!  I knew her diamond was unbelievable, it was her second diamond and is HUGE.  Then she had this great bracelet and necklace from Italy that she was wearing yesterday.  She also pulled out an old sapphire and diamond necklace and bracelet set.  They were so nice.  I couldn't believe it.  Just gorgeous jewelry.

Anyway... from there we headed over to his cousin's house for dinner.  I can't believe the amount of food they had over there. It was crazy.  Even worse than my family if that's even possible!  So delicious.  But WAY too much!  They had the whole house decorated.  The table and place settings looked like they were right out of a magazine.  It was so nice.  (His cousin's house is incredible!  I counted 18 movie theater seats in their home theater room.  Yes, a movie theater, with a popcorn machine, in their house!) 

We left there, stopped to feed the cats again and then went back to his house around 6:30 or 7 last night.  We hung out and talked for hours last night too, which was really cool. 

I had such a great Christmas this year.  So many people, so many memories and good times.  Being with my boyfriend, waking up in his arms and spending the whole day with him was so great.  It made this Christmas even that much better. 

He was cute too... I found out after opening the Coach bag that he wasn't sure on it.  He had been asking his mom, his aunt and a few of his cousin's about it.  They all knew the bag I got and were looking at it on Christmas, asking me if I liked it.  :)    He really wanted to get me something I liked.  He did good!  LOL!

He's a great guy.  Even if he got me something small, it wouldn't have mattered.  The card he gave me was absolutely perfect.  It was everything I wanted.  I am SO happy with him, with our relationship and with everything that is going on in my life. 

I'm really lucky with how everything has fallen into place for me.  Things are really really good.  I'm just really happy.  Really really happy!  :)

Merry Christmas Eve!

My "To Do" list for today is HUGE!  I wrote out the list about an hour ago so I wouldn't forget anything I need to do today or pack up today.  And I have been sitting on the sofa, watching the news and on my laptop since.  Neither are on my "to do" list.  :) 

I should be getting in the shower in about 3 hours.  Between now and then I need to melt chocolate, dip the truffles in that, melt more white chocolate to drizzle over the truffles, and have them in the fridge for a while to harden back up.  I need to finish wrapping my... wait um, START wrapping my Christmas gifts. I need to pack my back to sleep at my boyfriends house tonight and shower and get ready for Christmas at his house in the morning.  And I need to pack up everything in my car. 

Oh yeah, and I need to finish knitting one or 2 more scarves for Christmas gifts.  If I can get one done, I'm happy.  My mom can wait for me to finish the one I am half way through for her.  I have one done for my boyfriend's mom and I want to finish the one I'm in the middle of my Aunt Mary. 

Not sure why I always leave SO much for the very very end, but that's ok.  I work best under pressure!  I think I should do the chocolate for the truffles sooner rather than later so they have time to sit in the fridge after.  But I gave myself 2 hours to shower, get ready and pack... I have to leave my house in just under 5 hours.  AHHHH..... not sure how I'm going to make it through.

But I like Christmas.  I'm excited about it all this year.  Tonight we are celebrating my grandpa's 90th birthday, which will be fun.  Plus, I get to see all the extended family I almost never see, including my bother being home for Christmas for the first time in years!

I can't wait until tomorrow morning to give my boyfriend his Christmas gift.  I'm so excited about that!  I really really hope he likes it.  I know it is absolutely the last thing he'll expect.  He has NO idea about it and I love that! 

AND, this is the first time ever that I'll be bringing someone around for Christmas.   I don't think I've ever brought anyone to anything with my mom's family at all, so that's kind of a big deal.  We have to make the rounds tomorrow, but I'm excited about it all. 

Last night was so much fun when we went out.  I took the boyfriend out for his bday.  We just went to the 99 and sat at the bar for dinner and drinks... LOTS of drinks.  He was WRECKED when we left.  5 Jack and Diets can do that!  But he liked his bday gifts... 6 shirts, a hoodie, a Dunkin mug and gift card, a cake, dinner and my little home made gift certificate for a massage with the massage oil.  He said he had a great birthday, which is good.  He wasn't really into his birthday but I love them and think they ARE  big deal. 

It was fun to go out, chat with people at the bar and just be a couple.  Things with him and I are going even better.  I love him so much and I'm just so happy with him and how things are with us.  He's such a great person.  No one is perfect, but he really is perfect for me.  He's who and what I need in my life.  I've never been more of ME with anyone else, ever!  Friends, family, other relationships.  Never.

Different people see different parts of your personality, different sides.  I'm not the same person in the office as I am at the pool or for Sunday dinner with my family, or out at the bar with friends.  Even being around different friends, they all see different sides of me.  I'm not the same with everyone.  It all depends on the relationship. 

Some of my friends are more open than others.  Some are more conservative.  Some are more philosophical.  They all see different sides of me.  I'd say my friend Michelle is the most open, least judging friend I have or have had ever.  I know she accepts me as I am, warts and all and doesn't judge me on anything I have or could say.  I've always held back with other people.  Even if they say or said that I wasn't judged... you know when you are being judged.  Michelle is the only friend who never judged me. 

But my boyfriend? NEVER.  Never ever felt judged by him with anything.  I could say or do anything with him.  I can share dreams, fears, plans, past experiences... anything at all.  No judgement what-so-ever.  I have never, ever, in my life, been more of just ME with anyone as I am with him.  He sees all sides, every part of me, just me, who I am completely.  It is just amazing and so comforting to be this open with someone.  To be this accepted by someone.

And I love him the same way back.  Him.  Exactly who he is.  Not part of him, not just certain sides of him.  ALL of him.  I love him completely for who he is, as he is. 

I am so happy with everything in my life.  This has been an unbelievable year for me.  SO many different experiences, highs, lows, accomplishments, challenges.  Everything was all over the place for me in 2011 but I have come out of this year a smarter, stronger, wiser and happier person than I have been. 

I have new friendships that have developed and become huge parts of my life.  I have so many amazing people on my side, supporting me.  I have never have this many strong, happy and healthy relationships. 

I have a new direction in my life.  A new focus on what I want to accomplish and who I want to be going forward.  I know where I want to be and I have been working hard and taking the necessary steps to take me in that direction. 

2011 has been a great year.  I really honestly do not ever remember being as happy as I am right now. 

5 Days to Christmas

All that rushing around and now its almost over.  I haven't starting wrapping a thing yet!  I'm pretty much ready to go.  I just have baking left plus 2 gift certificates.  Those I can just pick up on Saturday without any problems. 

I know I'll be running around all weekend, but in a way I'm looking forward to it all.  Seeing everyone, being with family.  It will be fun.  Crazy, but fun.

I made the decision about the marathon.  I backed out of it.  I knew that was what I was leaning towards.  I hated to quit on it, as much as I know it is the right thing for me to do.  I'd love to do it again, if I'm healthy, for 2013.  We'll see where my life is at that point.  But even now... I can say I finished the Boston Marathon!  Not too many people can say that!

But things are good in my life.  2011 has been a really crazy year for me.  Lots of twists and turns, ups and downs.  Now that its coming down to the last 2 weeks of the year, its amazing where I've been this year. Just as with every other year, I'm in a completely different position than I was a year ago.  My life is SO different.  Its just unbelievable.

We'll see what the next 2 weeks bring and how the rest of this year finishes out.  I'm looking forward to doing my end of year review and planning on setting aside a couple of hours New Years weekend for that.  It'll be interesting to see what I come up with for goals and intentions for 2012. 

All I know is that no matter what, this time next year I will be completely blown away by everything I experience in 2012! :)

Two weeks from now Christmas is all over.  That's just a crazy thought.  Its always rush, rush, rush to get there, then its just over.  I'm hoping to have it slow down a bit and I'd really like to enjoy it. I guess not having to deal with the craziness of shopping makes it better. 

I did most of my shopping early.  I just have a few gift certificates left and plan on getting 2 of those today or tomorrow.  Then 2 more that I can even grab on Christmas Eve. 

My boyfriends birthday is on the 22nd.  Still not sure what I'm doing for that.  I was going to bake him a cake but he said his favorite is the cheesy Carvel ice cream cakes.  SO, I guess I'm going to be picking up one of those.  Still not sure what else I'm going to do. 

Otherwise, I'm still working on the decisions I have to make soon.  Marathon this year?  I don't know.  What are my plans on fitness training and how am I going to do this?  What else do I have going on?  And what goals do I plan on focusing on?

I'm really looking forward to doing my New Years review again.  I just look forward to that each year.  I learn so much about what is important to me.  I have to find the questions and link to the site I use.  I'll post it here.  I HIGHLY recommend this.  I have done it for years and it has made such a difference in giving me focus year after year.  

Not too much going on otherwise.  Life is good. 

Which Goals?

This is going to be an interesting month.  I have so many things I need to figure out and my decisions could really impact things in my future. 

First... do I want to do the marathon this year on not?  I have been accepted onto Team Eye and Ear again.  I signed the form for the $5000 minimum fundraising, but set my goal for $7500.  The training is a huge commitment and so is the fundraising. 

I had thought of and put some time into brainstorming about what to do for a fundraising party.  BUT, that would be a lot of work to plan and put it all together.  Plus getting raffle prizes donated and promoting the party to have it be successful and to have LOTS of money raised. 

Then the training itself.  I'm not where I was at a year ago.  This time last year I was running 5 miles three times a week.  I'm not doing 5 miles.  I'm not doing 3 miles ONCE a week!  I'm slacking so much and so far behind.

Last year I was injured in March with my back.  Ever since then, every time I run, I feel it in my lower back.  Do I want to put myself through that again??  Could I cause myself more injury the long term if I went for this?

And what about my time in general?  Working full-time, training, planning a fund-raising party, working towards being a fitness trainer and needing to take fitness classes to get my foot in somewhere, my boyfriend, my family, my friends.... sleep!

Can I do it?  Can I commit to it again this year?  Or should I wait and try again for 2013 instead?  Would I do it again? 

I'm just really afraid of the training this time around.  REALLY afraid of the training.  I know what it takes.  I know how painful my injury was last year and I never completely healed from that.  I'm just really really worried about it.

Second is the fitness training.  I had some great ideas when I was walking home tonight.  I wrote it all out and that just pushed things further.  I'm really excited about it and about the possibilities of what I can do with all of that.  This Saturday is my first class.  I cannot wait!  I'm nervous but excited.  This is just the first step to a dream I have and a direction that I want my life to go. 

What else?  Work is the same.  I'm fried at this point and just burnt out.  Sadly, it has started to become a paycheck more than anything else.  I think that's why I'm so inspired by doing the fitness thing.  I have a passion for that!  I see a difference in that.  I make an impact with that.  Not with what I am doing right now for my paycheck.

There are more things I am not ready to get into here... if ever.  Just a lot of different things on my mind.  My life comes in phases and when things change... they CHANGE.  I think I am on the cusp of change in my life.  Things are shifting.  I have done so much work on myself over the past several years and I have completely changed my life and changed the direction of my life.  I am a different person in every way than I was just 5 years ago.  It's just crazy to see that now. 

And I can feel more things are changing.  More things are coming.  I've worked hard to get where I am.  I've had some things end but I have had so many new things come into my life and it keeps growing.  I can feel more shifting about to happen too.  I don't know what.  I don't know where, but I feel it.  Things are happening. 

I don't know if it will all be good, happy, positive changes.  Things aren't always like that, at least when they happen.  But eventually, in hindsight, the changes were the necessary and for the best, no matter how difficult when living through it.  I'm nervous about those changes and I think things like that could and might happen.  But I don't know.  I do know that whatever happens is supposed to happen and I always land on my feet.  :)

So today was very interesting!  Two friends were on the news today!  How crazy is that?  Two different, completely unrelated stories, news stations, friends who don't know each other... both on the news. 

The local news story was someone from my marathon team, Liz.  She lives and works in Boston and Friday at lunch was walking home so she could take her dog out for a walk (her Facebook pictures of her dog are SO cute!)  She was assaulted by a guy from Occupy Boston, who was arrested.  He grabbed her and started screaming at her. 

Fox News had it as the top story tonight when they interviewed her from her home.  It was weird too, cuz just before that, the Country Awards were on TV.  Liz had just posted "toby!!!!!!!! artist of the decade!!! red solo cup!!!!!!!!!"  I "Liked" her status, since I was watching the same thing.  That was about when I started writing here.  I stopped when I saw heard her name on TV!  Just weird.  I messaged her on Facebook that I saw it.  She said its been a tough few days.  I can't even imagine! 

I was going to post a link to it, but the story isn't posted yet on their website.

But earlier tonight on Facebook, I my friend Christine's facebook update that her company was being featured on the NBC Nightly News.  They did a GREAT story about her company, a non-profit that helps people find jobs and has SO many other benefits they provide.  She was SO cute too!  :)  Really happy for her.  I posted that link on Facebook for people who live South of Boston who are looking for a job. 

That link is:
http://video.msnbc.msn.com/nightly-news/45560858#45560858

VERY proud of her! 

What else??  I guess that's it.  Now I'm tired.  It's closer to 11 now and I think time for bed.  I'm sore from my kickboxing class tonight.  Enough of the jumping jacks already!  And what a fool I am to go home and then grab my arm weights for MORE of a workout!  I'm just insane sometimes.  But exhausted... so time for bed.

Into December

Got lots on my mind lately and sometimes grabbing a pen and writing things instead of typing helps much more.  So that's what I've been doing. 

Confusing thoughts about my boyfriend.
Money issues I thought were done, starting up again.
My car.
Running.  Do I want to do the marathon again, even though I was already accepted to the team?  What do I want to do? 

Lots of questions, lots to figure out.  Life can be pretty confusing. 

End of November

We only have a couple of hours left of the month.  I'm slightly cranky today and have been most of the day.  Work is nuts for end of month and I didn't get a good nights sleep last night. Plus, I'm not always a peach when I plan and expect my time to go one way but last minute have things unexpectedly change in a way I don't want.  (Was supposed to go to the boyfriends house after his class at the gym.  Didn't see a text from him that he didn't go and when I called, he was sleeping already.  SO... not going over now, which is what I was planning on and expecting all day.)

I'm just spent.  Work has been insane.  Shoveling against the tide and not going anywhere.  I'm a bit burnt out and extremely frustrated by things not going right, even when I ask for help or say that things aren't right.  I want and need a vacation.  Just time out of town.  I've been trying to get it to happen and to plan something with the boyfriend... but so far, no go.  I'm hoping for the weekend after New Years.  Just to go ANYWHERE not home.  That's all.  I need a break from... from everything! 

Christmas is now 25 days away.  I have restaurant gift certificates left and that's it.  I'm going to order 2 online next week and the last two are local, so I can even pick those up on Christmas Eve if I want.  Oh, and I have the work crap too... $ for this, $ for that, $ for a 3rd thing, then the Yankee Swap.

I even ordered the boyfriends Christmas gift which is getting delivered to work tomorrow.  SO glad I called to see how big the boxes would be.  Yeah, I was told 15-20 pounds.  Um ok.  NO.  Per the FedEx email... the 3 boxes?  6 pounds, 14 pounds, and 52 POUNDS!  Yes, that's right, 52 POUNDS!  How am I getting that out of my car and up the stairs into my apartment by myself?  Really now? 

Today I went online and registered for one class for the fitness thing.  This is a sort of "pre" class to the group fitness certification for people who don't have much experience teaching, like me.  I still need to talk to my mom.  I told her that for Christmas, all I wanted was for her to pay for the three classes I want to take in February.  They are $99 each.  After that, I'll order the books I need and pay for the 2 online classes I'll need to do before the February class.  That'll be another $250 I think.  But $250 is much easier than $550!  So hopefully she'll still agree to do it and I can get registered soon to make sure I secure my spot in those 3 classes.

I'm still brainstorming ideas for fundraising, which is going really well.  I need to work out a few more details of things and then reach out and ask for help from a few people.  I want to do a fund raising party at a all, with a band.  SO... I know the band I want, but I have to ask her if she is willing.  Then, I need to reach out and find a venue for either free or super cheap.  I have a few ideas and some contacts, so we'll see how that goes.  And I have a few raffle ideas and other fundraising party stuff too... plus a couple of backup bands if the one I want doesn't work out. 

I haven't been doing enough brainstorming about what I want to do for fitness training or how I could do this.  I just haven't been focused enough on it.  I really need to put more time and energy into that one.  This is important and what I want to do with my future, so I really need to put more into it.

And with my training too.  I have to run tomorrow... blew it off tonight.  I was SO tired and I'm still sore from Monday's kickboxing class (didn't go tonight because of both reasons).  I really need to start stepping it up!  This is getting scary!

Not to much else I guess.  Just spreading myself too thin.  I guess that's typical of me.  But now it is really starting to wear on me.  I'm tired.  I'm burnt out and I'm overwhelmed with everything.  I want a break.  And its frustrating because I'm not sure if that is going to happen or not. 

Oh well. 

SO on to my December goals...

1.  Run.  Train.  Consistently.  How's that for a goal?

2.  Watch my spending.  Keep money in the bank and be reasonable with where my money is going.

3.  Make solid plans for a fundraising party, including securing a venue and band as well as a few raffle prizes.

4.  Have a plan for fitness training ready to go for New Years.

5.  Stick with kickboxing.  Only miss one more for the class I'm doing on December 10th.  Otherwise, go to the remaining 9 that are paid for.

That's it.  That's all I got!

BEAT UP!

Not sure where I got the great idea to go for a couple of miles run before starting out my first kickboxing class... but 7pm after 2 miles, there I was.  Waiting for my first kickboxing class.  HOLY CRAP is all I have to say.  I seriously do not know if I will be able to lift my arms up tomorrow to wash my hair. 

This class was a little intense.  Only me plus 2 other women.  Then 3 guys who all work there, one was the owner.  I was more expecting an aerobics type class... which was NOT what it was.  I am SO sore right now! 

The class ended like this.  With your partner (mine worked there and was sort of "assigned" to me, to help me out), one (him) had on mitts.  I had on sort of gloves with padding on the knuckles, but open fingers.  I had to throw 50 jabs with my right.  Then 50 with my left.  Then 100 with my right, then 100 with my left.  Then another 50 on each side.  Stop, drop and do 25 push ups. THEN... do that all over again!  And after the 2nd set of 25 push ups, switch.  I had on the mitts while he threw all those punches.  And trust me... that is no picnic either.  My arm needs tension so he has something to punch at.  For 200 punches on each side. 

HOLY CRAP! 

And that was the END of the class! 

So 2 miles before that? What was I thinking???

Monday :(

Well the 4 day weekend is over.  I'm on the sofa and need to be at work in 40 minutes.  Can you tell I'm motivated to get going?  SO hard to get back into the routine after days of just relaxing and not doing much of anything.

I realized last night what my problem was, why I was in a funk.  I'm so used to going, going, going.  When I stop and sit and do too much of nothing for too long, I get antsy.  I'm pretty sure that was my problem.  I spent way too much time just sitting on my sofa. 

So last night I was online at my boyfriend's house... I had done some searching online before I went over for hotels that we could stay at to go away.  Saturday night I said I wanted to go away for a weekend.  We don't need to hop on a plane and head to Vegas.... somewhere we can drive to is fine by me, just away somewhere.  SO... we decided on NH, up in the North Conway area.  I found a place on Hotels.com for $150 a night for a 2 room suite with a whirlpool tub in the room, a fridge, coffee pot, indoor pool and nice fitness room.  Sounds great to me! 

I kept it up on his computer when I turned it off, so that window will pop up when he logs back on.  Hotels.com had the room $30 less a night than the hotel's website WITH the AAA discount, so that was cool too.  And we could ski one day too.  I just want to go away and not have a rush to go anywhere or do anything.

But then I realized I need to find someone to feed my cats for the weekend.  And THAT got me thinking about Christmas.  I can't go up to my parents house on the afternoon of Christmas Eve, spend the night and all day Christmas, then go home Christmas night.  SO I am going to have to sleep home on Christmas Eve so I can feed my cats! 

I'm still working on what exactly we'll be doing over Christmas.  I think I got the day planned but I need to figure out Christmas Eve and how we'll work that one.  Getting there.  :)

OK, I suppose that I need to get off my butt and start getting ready for work now.  Oh well.  Another week. 

I've been in a funk the past couple of days and I don't really know why.  Yesterday I had a blast going out for lunch and getting a pedi with my friend Michelle.  When I got home, I took a nap and just woke up in an edgy mood.  It stuck with me all afternoon.  I put on some fun music when I drove over to my boyfriend's house.

Between the music and my boyfriends good mood, I was finally able to shake it.  Last night we had fun out at Patriot Place.  Toby Keith's was mobbed because of the band that was playing there, so we went to CBS Scene instead.  Unfortunately his salmon kabobs were completely raw, which he realized after eating at least 2 like that!  He wasn't feeling great from then on. 

We headed over to their outdoor skating rink and skated for a bit. That was fun. I haven't been on skates in about 15 years at least, plus the ice was HORRIBLE.  It took a bit to get the hang of it, but we were flying around the rink, in and out of all the 12-15 year olds! 

Here's a couple pictures of that....

After we got back to his house, he really wasn't feeling great.  He kept thinking about the raw salmon he had for dinner.  So he went to sleep on the sofa and I had the huge King sized bed to myself, where the dog eventually joined me.  At some point during the night, my boyfriend came into bed with me.

We got up early this morning and after a quick Dunkin stop, we took Rocco for a walk.  My boyfriend's house is across the street from a VERY old cemetery..... I mean, dates of death were in the 1800's!  It's really cool in there with the old stones and family plots.  We take Rocco for walks in there now and again.

While we were walking through, this cute little black dog came over.... by herself, without a leash.  She had tags, her rabies shots and the town license info.  But she was alone.  We called the police, who said they would have the Animal Control call us back.  I took Rocco home while my boyfriend was going to stay with this dog. 

As I got to the front door, I saw the little dog leaving the cemetery, coming out onto the busy road.  I quickly got Rocco inside and got the leash off of him.  My boyfriend ran down after the little dog and put the leash on her.  We brought her inside the front entryway of his house (its a 2 family and a big area inside the main door). 

My boyfriend went up and got her a bowl of food and water.  I stayed down there and hung out with her.  She was SO cute!  I was sitting on the stairs and she was next to me.  She kept bumping my arm so I would pet her head.  Super friendly and sweet dog. 

My boyfriend ended up trying Animal Control.  The owner had already reported that she got out.  Animal Control was over in a couple of minutes.  She was surprised the dog hadn't gotten hit and thanked us for taking her in and calling.

I took a couple of pictures of her while we were hanging out inside....

Seriously, how cute is she???  I just wanted to take her home! 

After she was picked up, I left to head home and I've been home for a couple of hours now.  I watched some tv, did a few things online and had something to eat. 

But now I'm in a funk again.  I'm not sure why I keep getting in these cranky, edgy moods, but I don't like it!  I don't know why or what its about.  Things are good.  Financially, I'm ok.  Friends are amazing and fun. Family is good, even after a holiday!  I'm almost done with Christmas shopping.  My house is clean.  My boyfriend is incredible and our relationship is great.  Everything is good.  Better than good.

So why am I in a funk?  Why am I cranky?  What's up with me feeling like this?  I feel worried, anxious, stressed.  I have no reason to!  Four days without work.  Everything for once is great!  And I'm just on edge. 

I've been great at living in the moment and enjoying the good times.  I haven't been edgy like this in a really long time.  And things really have been great.  But now?  Its almost like something bad is about to happen.  I don't know what.  I don't know why I feel like this.  I just feel really really off.  And I don't like it! 

I have to figure out how to snap out of this funk.  I need to find something good to think about and get me back into that happy mindset I've had for a while.  I love feeling like that.  I love being that happy and positive.  I need to get back there. 

Thanksgiving Hangover

After a busy Thanksgiving Day and a busy start to today, I'm taking some time to rest and relax now. 

Yesterday I was up at 6am and out the door before 7.  It was just after 7 when I got to the HS for the 5K.  It ended up being a group of 7 of us for the race.  I was NOT feeling it.  My back was sore, I got a side stitch and I was just tired and not trained.  But it was still fun and I got a GREAT tech shirt for pre-registering. 

On my way home I stopped a MOBBED Cummbies.  But got the butter and flour that I had run out of on Wednesday night making the banana bread.  When I got home before 9:30am, I figured I had plenty of time.  My boyfriend wasn't leaving his house to get me until 12:30.  Three hours was a ton of time.  HA HA HA! 

So I decided with all that extra time, I could get in more of a workout before the crazy double dinners.  I grabbed my weights and did arms and shoulders, then did a crazy ab workout that left my abs BURNING.  But I love that feeling! 

After the workout, I headed to the kitchen where I had already measured almost everything to bake the cookies.  At least starting wasn't bad.  Then I grabbed the new hand held electric mixer.  That broke.  Before I was done.  It started smoking!  Good thing I saved the old one, even if I don't have the right attachments for baking (lost somehow).  So I was already off. 

And WOW did I make a TON of cookies!  I brought 2-3 dozen to by boyfriend's parents and 2-3 dozen to my family and I STILL have at least another 2 dozen at my house.  Good thing they taste REALLY good.

As the cookies were finishing up, I heated up my wax so I could do my eyebrows... cuz why not add more work when time is starting to cut close!  Then hopped in the shower.  I was starting to freak out between not wanting to be late to his mom's, not really knowing a whole lot of people there and being worried about being uncomfortable, and knowing traffic could be horrible. 

We weren't too late for his mom's, and everyone of course was super nice and friendly.  I really do like his family tons.  His niece loved the bracelet that I got her.  It was so cute.  It was an Alex and Ani bracelet with a "K" charm on it.  In her cute, little 3 year old squeaky voice, she was walking around saying, "Its K for Kailey".  So cute! 

After we left his mom's, we headed over to my grandfather's house.  Come to find out, he has been in the hospital since Wednesday.  The one uncle who took him sent an email to the other 3 boys. It was after 5 on Wednesday and 2 of the boys had it sent to their work email, including my dad. So when the other brother called my dad yesterday morning, that's when he found out his dad would be in the hospital until Friday or Saturday.  Nice.  Gotta love family sometimes.  Oh well.

I think I got back to my house around 7:30 last night.  I was home relaxing for a bit then went back over to my boyfriends house.  We just watched a movie and went to bed early.  Got a REALLY good night sleep last night though, which was GREAT! 

We were up around 8 I think and I was home before 9.  I had a cup of coffee then just found crazy motivation and cleaned, SCRUBBED my house.  The only thing that isn't done is the tub in the bathroom and mopping the kitchen and bathroom.  I sweep, vacuumed, did dishes, counters, dusted, organized SO much crap and even went through my bills and what's posted and whats due. 

For the past hour, my butts been back on the sofa.  Email is now cleared out.  Skimmed over facebook.  Checked out a few other websites.  Made the phone calls I needed to make.  The gym doesn't have any mid day classes today.  Originally I was thinking of swimming laps, but I'm pretty sure the pool is only open for 2 more hours at this point.  Plus, my back is REALLY sore between yesterday's race and cleaning all morning.  Not sure if swimming would be a great idea for me right now. 

Now just waiting to see what's going on for tonight.  My boyfriend is at his gym taking a class.  His mom invited us to her house for leftovers.  She said she does Thanksgiving dinner at her house, then has everyone back over on Friday night every year to eat the rest of the food.  I think that's a great idea.  Not sure if my boyfriends wants to go.... between too much family time and the crazy restrictive diet he's been on for a few weeks.  But I think it would be nice.  Plus, it would give me a better chance to get to know his family. 

And that's what I want to do.  I want to get to know them.  I love him and I know we're going to be together for a long time to come.  I want to get to know his family.  I want them to know me.  It can be really hard for me to open up to people sometimes and feel comfortable in groups that I don't know.  Spending more time around them will help.  So yeah, I want to go to his mom's tonight.  But we'll see. 

And now?? Hmm.. not sure what I want to do.  Shopping?  Read magazines I'm behind on?  Watch some of my tv shows I'm behind on?  Nap?  Go for a walk or something?  I have hours and hours to do whatever I want!  Then I have 2 more days too!  YAY!  Tomorrow I MIGHT go to an early kickboxing class... if I can get them on the phone.  Then I'm meeting my friend Michelle for lunch at 1pm with pedi's to follow.  Sunday the Pats game is on at 4:15.  That's all I have planned for the next couple of days...well, tomorrow night I'll be out with my boyfriend doing something. 

But nice to just have time to RELAX!  Ahhh.....

It wasn't too bad of a day at work today, which was good.  Plus we got out at 3 which was even BETTER!  :)  I flew home, started cleaning and made LOTS of progress.  Right now I just have the tub and floors/carpets left. 

Then I headed over to my boyfriends house, tossed my laundry in the washer and we went out for dinner.  We were going to work out when we got back to his house after I threw my stuff in the dryer, but I started rubbing his shoulders and that just turned into this LONG massage!  Seriously, I think I gave him a massage for maybe 30-45 minutes... his neck, shoulders, back and the back of his legs. 

But he gave me a massage too after.  Not for 30+ minutes, but that's ok.  It still felt great. 

Then I folded up my laundry and headed home.  Ooops.  Just remembered that I left my laundry basket of folded clothes on my kitchen table.  Oh well. 

I ended up making the 2 loaves of my banana bread to bring with me tomorrow.  My house smells AMAZING right  now.  I am so bummed that I didn't make more to keep some at home.  It smells SO good! 

Tomorrow is going to be INSANE.  Up at the crack of dawn and leave my house by 6:45am.  Registration starts at 7am for the 5K and I have to greet our 10 runners & walkers.  Walkers leave at 7:45 and runners start at 8.  I hope to be out of there by 9 and in my kitchen by 9:30. 

Unfortunately when I made the banana bread, I realized I need more butter and flour.  So I'll have to stop at a store on my way home from the 5K... but any convenient store will do.  I have all the other ingredients out, measured and ready to go for my chocolate chip cookies.  And the Hersey kisses I put in the middle are ready and unwrapped too.  At least that will be a little less I need to do tomorrow.  It should save me at least 10-15 minutes with everything I did tonight to prep. 

After I finish baking the cookies, it'll be time to hop in the shower and get ready.  My boyfriend is picking me up at... HA HA good question. Originally is was 12:30.  Tonight he said later, so I really have no idea.  I told him he should leave his house NO LATER than 12:30, so even with traffic we can get to his parent's house on time and not be late for the 1:30 dinner. 

From there... we'll head over to my grandfather's house where my family is having dinner.  My dad said that dinner there is at 3:30, which means 4 or 4:30.  They are NEVER on time!  So I think we should be ok if we leave my boyfriend's parent's house by 4:30.  I don't want my family to wait for me for dinner, since we'll eat at his parents but I do want to eat some of my dad's butternut squash!  SO yummy!

Then we'll have dessert and head back to my house.  And then?  I will CRASH!  I'm on the fence still about if I am going to go shopping or not.  MAYBE. Good sales, but really?  2am to hit a store?  Extra sales in the 1am-4am area... so again, MAYBE!  :)

Already 11pm.  I'm tired.  I suppose I should go to bed. Obviously tomorrow is going to be a LONG day.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Last day of work before Thanksgiving.  I had the rushing around this week, as much as I love Thanksgiving.  This is one of my top holidays.  Not about shopping, or gifts or anything except family and food.  Its just about the meal.

I still have to write out everything I want to do between now and when I have to leave my house tomorrow.  LOTS I need to cover.  Bake cookies and banana bread, clean the house, do laundry.... tomorrow morning I'm running in a 5K again too for the 3rd year in a row.  Too much rushing around.

Still on the fence about Black Friday.  I am pretty much done with my retail shopping.  I have an online gift to order, some gift certificates and booze left.  BUT, there are things I want for ME!  And Kohl's is having HUGE sales, on top of the $5 coupon, 15% off coupon, and $15 Kohl's cash for every $50.  And they open at 1am around here.  I'm thinking I might pop by around 2 or 3am.  I figure the die-hards are done then and the rest might not be there.  We'll see how I feel then. 

What else?? 

Not too much.  Hoping to get out of work today at 3pm to get a jump start.  I've been blowing off working out, so I'd love to get that in tonight.  No more yoga class until mid January, but that means I can switch swimming to Tuesday nights and make it to Pilates at 6:30 on Thursday nights (SO much easier than the 5:30 Tuesday class!).  And the kickboxing Groupon I have, I need to start that NOW.... their website doesn't list class times and I couldn't get anyone on the phone yesterday but it did say that they have morning classes now, so that's cool. 

I just need to get my butt in gear with everything.  Fund raising, training, getting registered for my fitness instructor classes.  URGH!  LOTS to do!  :)

And it starts with getting to work today and maybe even getting there early... so time to log off of here and get moving! 

So late right now... should already be in the shower instead of on the sofa drinking my coffee.  At least I know what I want to wear today.  That's have the battle. 

Been an interesting week so far.  Lots on my mind.  But another great conversation last night really made a big difference for me.  I had worries and concerns and fears.  They have all been calmed.  I still have some concerns.  I'm still not 100% comfortable with everything, but I really feel much better. 

I heard one thing that stood out from the rest last night.... I made my decision.  Those 4 words and the 6 more that followed were the ones that stood out above anything else that was said. 

I'm still a little nervous and a little uncomfortable.  I can't say this won't go away and won't stay in the back of my mind, but after this conversation, I feel better.  I am more comfortable than I was and I'm glad I spoke up and said something rather than letting it sit and fester. 

I'm happy.  I'm in love.  I'm with someone amazing who is just such a great fit for me.  No one person is perfect, but I really do think I found the absolute perfect person for me.  I've never had this before in my life and I just don't want to lose it. 

Ok... really time to get in the shower.  Need to be at work in 24 minutes!  HA HA HA!!!

Heart to Heart

Besides just writing here, I have a journal that I write in at home.  I don't always write in that, but sometimes when things are weighing heavier on my mind or if there are more personal details I need to work out in my head, sometimes it helps to get things like that out on paper. 

I had been writing earlier this month about a few things weighing on me.  Yesterday I wrote again, pages and pages.  I wrote about all how I had resolved things that I had been struggling with and how great everything was and how happy I was.  And then I wrote out a huge list of everything that was thankful for- with Thanksgiving in a few days. 

Last night I was out with my boyfriend.  Today I feel closer to him than I have before, ever.  But it wasn't like that the whole night.  When he said, "We have to talk", my mind started racing.  I thought immediately that he was breaking up with me and ending our relationship.  I thought about everything I wrote earlier in the day; how much I loved him, how happy I was with him, how great I thought our relationship was.  When he said those awful, awful words to start a conversation, my heart sank.  I was crushed. 

But he didn't want to break up with me.  He really did want to talk.  Something deep, personal and something he had weighing on his mind.  Something that had been bothering him and he wanted to share that with me. 

It wasn't exactly an easy conversation, what one would be that starts with "We have to talk"?  And I won't lie, tears were involved.  I love him.  I was scared of losing him. 

This conversation, as tough as it was, as emotional and difficult and raw as it was.... it was something that needed to happen.  It was the elephant in the room for him.  He always knew this was there, but never talked about it to me.  For me... I knew it was something, but I didn't know about that specific elephant he had around him. 

But now I know.  We had a deep, close, personal, heart to heart conversation.  We were open and honest and respectful of each other.  I love him even more now.  I feel even closer to him now.  Our relationship feels even better now.  The way we were this morning together, it felt different, better, closer. 

I have something great with him.  I have never in my life had a relationship like this or felt like this.  I love what we have together, how we just click and fit.  Everything is easy and fun.  We don't have drama.  We don't have BS.  There is nothing fake or censored.  We are each other, real, open and we connect.  We connect like I have never connected with anyone. 

Am I still scared of losing him?  Hell yeah!  He makes it very easy for me to be comfortable and not feel any insecurities.  I know that he loves me and that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me.  I trust him with everything in me.  I love him.  I just completely and deeply love him. 

This heart to heart brought us closer.  It addressed things that needed to be said.  It scared me.  It had tears in my eyes.  It had me clinging to him, not letting him out of my arms.  But it was still a really good thing. 

I have absolutely no idea what my future in life holds.  I never do.  I let the current take me where it leads and have learned to trust that it brings me where I should be, when I need to be there.  It is when I fight the current and try to swim against it that I feel the struggles of life, the fight, the push.  So here, with him, I am going to continue to let the current take me.  I am choosing to let that happen and not fight anything.  I am choosing to trust that I will be where I need to be, when I need to be there, wherever and whenever that is. 

And with my conversation with him, I feel like he is trusting in that current too, taking that ride with me, not fighting it.  He is trusting in it, going with it, riding these amazing waves right along with me.   My hope is that this current continues as it is.  We have great waves right now.  I know that at some times, rapid will hit and it will become more difficult to stay with the current and even harder to trust in it.  It is most important to relax and trust at those times, more than others.  Fighting the current then can be not only exhausting, but dangerous. 

I also hope that when those rapids hit and it is hard to trust in the current, that it keeps him and I together as the water flows along.  There can be splits in the river.  I want us to stay on the same path together.  I don't want the rapids to push us and send us off down different paths, different rivers.  That is what scares me most. 

But right now I am trusting and believing.  I know this is where I am supposed to be right now.  No where else.  I know that all of my past experiences, good and bad, have brought me to this place, right now.  I wouldn't change my past.  That would change me, my life, and my full experiences.  No, looking back, I would stay on the same river I was on, going with that current, hitting all of the crazy rapids I went through. 

Right now, I am happy.  I have amazing relationships in my life and huge opportunities opening themselves up to me.  I trust that this river, that the universe or whatever it is... I trust that I will continue to have all that is supposed to have come to me.  I know there are lessons in life that need to be learned.  You need to learn those before moving forward.  Without learning a lesson, you won't have the ability to handle future experiences.  I have learned some tough lessons.  But they all brought me to right here and right now. 

Things are great in my life. 

Even with this very difficult heart to heart, "We need to talk" conversation, I am happy.  I love my boyfriend with everything I have.  I know he loves me.  How I describe him and I just clicking and connecting... he describes it like 2 puzzle pieces that just fit perfect together.  That is what he thinks of our relationship.  We just fit perfect together.  We do.  He's right.  This is an amazing thing. 

Whatever the future holds for me, right now I know I am in the perfect place for me.  I have never had such an incredible relationship or love in my life.  If for whatever reason this isn't for forever, it is at least for now.  And for now, I will love and cherish and live in every single moment of it. 

He is an amazing person.  I am so lucky to have him in my life and so happy that I met him and have experienced all of this.  Whatever happens, I do love him.  And more importantly, I want him to happy.  If that is with me or if that is not with me... I want him to happy.  I love him enough to want that above anything & everything else. 

That scares the absolute hell out of me... that him being happy might not be with him in my life.  But I want that for him.  I hope it IS with me.  But if it isn't, as horrible, heartbreaking and as much as it would just SUCK, I still want him to be happy first. 

Wasn't really planning to write all of this, but here it is.  All out there.  We talked.  We had a heart to heart.  I thought he was ending it with me.  He didn't.  I know I love him.  I know he loves me.  I trust him with all of my heart.  I feel closer to him now than I did before and I think he feels the same way.  And I am absolutely terrified that in the end he could be happy without us together.  But that is not today.  Today, we are in love and we are happy together.  And I live in today and I love in today.  With him. 

So much for swimming tonight!  The pool was SO crowded, we couldn't get a spot.  Jill was already in the pool and I was working up to diving in, when she suggested that we go to a diner down the street.  Then I suggested the Mexican place around the corner, so Mexican and Margarita's it was instead of swimming laps!  :)  All in all... a good night!

Been a VERY long week. A long week sandwiched between 2 short weeks. NOT fun. And that's even with staying home on Tuesday and sleeping past noon time. I'm just exhausted right now. BUT, after going out with the girls on Friday night, I will be sleeping home and sleeping in on Saturday morning. That should help.

REALLY looking forward to getting back into the pool tonight. Swimming at 7 with a friend of mine. The fitness group had 7 people going as of yesterday. Now its down to me, Jill and one guy who never ever shows up... so basically just going swimming tonight with Jill.

My ear infection took forever to go away, but it is finally gone and I got ear plugs too, so I'm hoping that swimming will now work for me. I am SO sick of getting ear infections.

Plus swimming tonight will really help for me to get back into my training schedule. I have really been slacking with that. My back has been bothering me and it has been really hard to find the motivation to get me where I should be. This time last year I was doing 5 miles a couple times a week. Now? Yeah! That's funny!

Considering I plan on doing the marathon again, I really REALLY need to start my training again. Disappointed that I'm not where I want to be. But like said... swimming tonight will help. Then tomorrow night for girls night, so dancing for hours. Then Saturday I want to get in a run and Sunday morning I want to swim again. Next week I have running on Monday night and Pilates and yoga on Tuesday night. Wednesday, I'm not sure yet. I'll probably be getting out of work around 3, but the pool is closed 3-7. I don't know if it will be open on Wednesday night or not, or even if I will want to go. Thursday, Thanksgiving morning, I am running in a 5K. Friday I'll have to find something, maybe swim, and Saturday do a long run. I might start up my kickboxing next Wednesday night too... then have that on Saturday morning.

Yes, I do too much, I know that. But I love it. I love being busy and I love being active. I know I need some downtime to re-group now and again, or it will just catch up with me. For the most part, I do recognize that. As long as I am eating right and sleeping well, then I should be alright.

Sleeping... ha ha! That's a good one. I absolutely LOVE falling asleep in my boyfriends arms. I love when during the night, he puts his arms around me and pulls me close to him. I love it. But sometimes? I just can't sleep well there. I am a really light sleeper. If I get too hot, I wake up. If I hear noise, I wake up. If something moves around me, I wake up. A king sized bed is great, but sometimes I wake up throughout the night and don't end up with a good night sleep.

Right now, since my back has been bothering me, it has been worse. I can't always get comfortable and pressure the wrong way can end up hurting and bothering me. So having my boyfriend wrap me up? I LOVE it so much... but if weight from his arm or leg, or any pressure having me twist in a different direction can end up bothering my back and making it more sore, and then harder to sleep overall.

And it SUCKS. I absolutely love laying in bed or on the sofa with him, all tucked up in him. It is my absolute favorite way to lay! Last night on the sofa, we were laying there and the dog too. I was basically on the edge of the sofa. MY GOD, my back was killing me all night and is STILL bothering me. Not sure if that was it, or sleeping or what, but the right side of my lower back is not good.

I think that it was starting again in general with running. Then the massage made it worse. And by last night on the sofa, the way I was laying and twisting and the pressure on my lower back... just made me way more uncomfortable all night. I didn't sleep well last night and couldn't get my back comfortable all night.

I think I need to just start taking the anti-inflammatory meds again. Maybe that will help.

Ok... been rambling on and on and on long enough. Time to get moving so I can change and pack my bag and not keep Jill waiting!

Time to get my butt in gear. Already going to be late for work at this point, and here I am on the sofa, typing away!

Things are good. FINALLY heard about Thanksgiving. Dinner at my grandfather's. Per Dad, my boyfriend is invited too. When I mentioned that, the boyfriend said he thought I was going with him. LOL! Yeah, we never chatting about Thanksgiving. But timing wise, I think we can hit both. So that will work out nicely. And that's AFTER my 5K that morning.

Swimming tonight after work, plus girls night tomorrow. YAY!

OK... really need to move. Maybe I will have more to say later. :)

Been a weird week so far. Monday I was completely exhausted and just wiped out. I crashed hard on Monday night and didn't go to work on Tuesday. I woke up at 8 to text my boss, then we back to bed. I woke up at 12:13! I cant' believe I slept that late! Guess I really did need it.

I was in my PJ's yesterday under I got in the shower at 8:30. It was very much needed. I'm still tired, but not to the level I was yesterday. I'm hoping for a good day today. Considering I couldn't log into my work email from my new laptop, I know I'll have a ton of emails and voicemails, so work will be BUSY today.

I should really get my butt in gear and move to start getting ready for work. Won't take me long, but still... sitting on the sofa, when I want to leave in 15 minutes is not the best thing. :)

Still trying to stay positive with everything but I've been in a bit of a funk lately. I think just being this tired and this wiped out, it has been taking its toll on me. I'm still exhausted.

SUNDAY!

This has really been a great weekend. Friday was just so relaxing with the massage and everything. Then YAY! Buying a new laptop that night! SO happy about having this now. Makes the absolutely biggest difference!

Yesterday was a little running around, bank, mom's, the vet for more cat food (gotta love $50 for a 10 pound bag of cat food!).

Last night I went out for dinner with the boyfriend, then into Boston, to Newbury. I ended up getting the 4 bracelets I wanted for Christmas gifts, plus one for me. Then they had a special that for every $50, you could pick from month bracelets or initial bracelets for $16 each. So I got one "J" for me and a "K" for the boyfriends niece. But I love the 2 that I have now for me, plus... four more Christmas gifts DONE! The list is looking good.

Got some sports stuff for my brother and cousin, gift certificates for my parents and aunt and uncle, my boyfriends gift, work stuff, then the 4 scarfs. I think that's about it. So all and all, doing REALLY well for Christmas! :)

Today is a 5K. Getting picked up in about an hour to head to that. Not super motivated for me and pretty tired right now. I'd much rather just sit and chill out then get up and get ready, but hey, they have my money, so I need to go. SO tired though.

I'm really really happy with how things are going with my boyfriend. Things were a bit off for a little while, when he thought I wanted more than he could give, but since then, and since we've talked more, I think he knows for sure that I'm happy. Lately things are back to where they were before and that's great. I don't feel like he's pulling away or has a guard up or anything and I know that I don't. I'm happy with where we are at. I love him. I just have so much fun with him, no pressure. I love that we can give each other a hard time and its all good.

I guess that's it for this morning. Not too much to say today. I'm happy! That's all there is.

YAY!! LAPTOP!

I really do have the best boyfriend ever! He's so good at finding deals & doing research online. You should see the gym he has set up at his house... with real, legit GYM equipment. Not home gym, I mean, pay a fee and workout AT a gym... that type of equipment. And he scored BIG TIME on the deals he got! It was just completely unreal!

SO when I needed my new laptop, and started getting more and more frustrated at NOT having one, I put a challenge to him. Since he's SO good at finding deals, did he think he could find a good deal for me on a laptop? I didn't want much... internet and pictures. That's all I use it for. Once and a while if I bring work home, but not often.

That was less than a week ago! The beginning of this week I asked him about that, saying how good he is at things like that. And he's been finding deals for days! Thursday he sent me a link to one, but I wasn't sure after reading some reviews on it. Then yesterday he sent me another one. Last night he showed me the reviews for it on his phone.

Then, after dinner, we headed into the store in Cambridge. $400 later, I have a faster, lighter and better laptop than I had before! I'm not kidding... WITH tax, it was under $410! It was $379.99 for this computer and I LOVE it.

After we got back to his house, he started getting it set up for me and overnight the battery charged. When I got home this morning (borrowing his bag to bring it home safely), I couldn't connect to my network and was stuck. He looked it up on his computer and talked me through all the steps. And here I am... online, at home, on my new laptop!

I really do have the best boyfriend ever. :)

And not even just this. He's just a great guy. Things are so good. I'm happy. I'm happy with him, with us, with our relationship and with where things are at. What we have works for us. I don't see him every day. And I appreciate that he needs some space... so do I. I was SO happy to be home on Thursday night, sleeping in my own bed, alone, and Friday morning just waking up. No alarm, no nothing. Just slept until I woke up. That was GREAT!

Things are just really great.

Today I'm heading up to mom's for a bit... need to get my butt in gear for that. Plus stopping at the bank to toss money from my savings into my checking... since I just spent $400 last night! And tonight we are heading back into Boston. I want to buy a few more Christmas gifts at the Alex and Ani store on Newbury, but I want to get into Newbury before Thanksgiving for that. And that will cut a HUGE amount off of my shopping list! VERY excited about that one.

I still have lots of things I want to spend money on, and buying a laptop wasn't exactly on the budget, with the classes I want to take and Christmas. But bills are paid, and all up to date, money for xmas is set aside and I had extra in the savings account to cover this.

I'm hoping mom with agree to cover some of the classes I want to take for xmas gifts for me. I need to register for those sooner rather than later to make sure I have a spot in all of the classes I want to take. Monday I will have to make the phone calls for those. Plus, I am going to have to take First Aid and CPR before the classes too.

Lots on my mind, lots going on in a million directions but life is good and I am very happy with it all! :)

SO hard to write when I don't have a home computer! I've been trying to add in my November goals for a week now but all I have managed to do was get them down on paper.

Right now I have so much going on in so many different areas that my goals seem crazy. I have so many in too many areas. But overall, they will all help to lead me where I eventually want to be. At least they will help to keep me moving in that direction.

This time around I sorted them by categories.

EXERCISE:
Run- three times per week. By the end of the month (Thanksgiving weekend), do a 4-5 mile run.
Swim- starting mid month (when ear plugs are delivered and ear infection gone), start swimming 1 mile swims in under one hour, 1-2 times per week.
Pilates- take classes at the gym 1-2 times per week
Weights/Strength Training- Twice per week
Kickboxing- Start these classes end of month, three times per week.

FINANCES:
Have all bills current by end of month.
Buy lap top by end of month.
Have $ left in savings account, in addition to $ for Xmas.

X-MAS:
Order boyfriends gift.
Buy the 4 Alex and Ani bracelets for gifts.
Make 2-3 scarfs by end of month.
Still have $ set aside (not spent on other things) by end of month.

WEIGHT:
Get it back under control and back under 130 pounds by end of month. (SICK of hovering just above!)

FUND RAISING:
Have solid plans in place for ideas.
Ask about my matching gift again.
Ask about obtaining tickets.
Continue additional brainstorming ideas.

TRAINING:
Continue brainstorming ideas.
Register for 4 workshops (3 in February, 1 in December)
Figure out a way to train people pro-bono during the winter months to get experience.
Attend minimum of 1 networking event.
Make 3 new connections with people who could help me progress in this area.

Lots of goals, but still excited! :)

NO laptop!

So the laptop is COMPLETELY dead at this point and will not turn on at all. I hit power, some lights turn on, but nothing happens on the screen. I'm holding out for 2 more weeks until Black Friday to get a deal on a new one. But this is KILLING me not having one at home. Work has been really busy, so I'm lucky if I eat lunch, forget about get online. And it is really hard trying to use someone else's computer for my personal stuff.

All that said, life is good! :) Been really busy with life, but making progress on everything in the ways I want. Got money to pay for the group fitness certification class.. just need to find it online. (LOL! On that list of sites to go to!) Plus, I'll need first aid and CPR for that. I also have lists of people I have been and will be talking to about all of this... 2-3 of them just today! SO all in all, the plans to go forward with this are going really really well. I know what I want and I'm taking steps to get there.

Still doing my best to work out some details and continue brainstorming ideas for what would work best for me to get this all going, give me some more experience as well as confidence in what I'm doing. Luckily, New Years is right around the corner, so that will be really good for me. It'll open up new opportunities for training people with the whole resolution thing.

Slowly starting out on the marathon training. Got another ear infection though. Just ordered ear plug for swimming, since I think that is what caused it. Four times in the pool and my ear is THROBBING. I've been out of the pool for a week, using prescription ear drops, plus Aleve for pain. Slowly getting better. Toss in the time change and I'm exhausted! Training is SLOW, but I know I'll be ok. I have time... over 5 months! And I'm signed up for a 10K on New Years Day already.

I plan on doing the same 1/2 marathon in February as I did last year and I can use that as a guide to where I'm at for the marathon. Really looking forward to it all. Within the next 2 months, I'm already signed up for three 5K's plus a 10k! This will be fun!

What else??? Me as a trainer, me and my marathon training. Work is busy. Bills and money are doing great. Xmas shopping is under way and money is set aside to cover it all.

The boyfriend? Guess that's a good topic! :) Well, a great topic! LOL! I love him. I really do. He just makes me happy. I think of him and smile and that's a really great thing. Things are great.

We had an interesting conversation about a week and a half ago which was really good. At first, I was a little disappointed but it really got me thinking about things and in a way I hadn't thought about them all before. He told me (after he said he loved me and has fun with me and all the good stuff), that he didn't think he was the right person for me. He doesn't want to get married or have kids and felt like I was pushing that on him. Really got me thinking.

First, the kids. I'm 37. Who knows if I even COULD have kids? And that's even IF I want them. The older I get, the less I do. I know I would never do it on my own, ever. Too much work. Plus, my patience is less and less with whiny brats the older that I get. Would I really want to do that? Once and a while, yeah, I want that, but I'm really good with NOT doing that. And again... even IF I could have kids at this point.

Then marriage. I always said that if I was in a relationship, I didn't want to be a long term girlfriend. I wanted it to end in marriage. Here he is, flat out telling me that NO, that is not going to happen. He just does NOT want to get married. Ever. Period. End of story. Ok. Got me thinking. If I'm alright with not getting married if I was single, how would I feel not getting married in a relationship? If I was with someone long term, how would I feel if he never married me and that was all it was?

For a while, the only answer I could come up with was, I don't know. I don't know how I would feel years from now, being someones girlfriend and not having it end in marriage. I just don't know how I would feel.

Then I started thinking more specifically. I started thinking specifically about my boyfriend and being with him. I still don't know how I will feel down the road. That is just impossible to know. How am I going to feel two, three or four years from now? Jeeze, I don't even know how I'm going to feel in 2 months when I run the 10K on New Years Day!

That's when I started thinking about right now. Right now with my boyfriend. Funny.. just typing that... "Right now with my boyfriend"... just typing that alone brought a smile to my face. :) I think that alone says something, more than I can even explain.

I am happy. I love him. I love what we have. I love spending time with him. We have so much fun together, all the time. He is a great person. And I just love him. That's it. I love him and I'm happy. That's when I made my decision.

I don't know changed to I don't care. I have no idea what the future holds. I don't know how I am going to feel down the road or where my life will be. I don't know what I will want or what will be important to me.

What I do know? Is that today, right now, I am happy. Right now, this is what I want. That's what I know.

SO I am giving up any worries or stress or anything on what could or couldn't, might or might not happen at some unknown point in the future. It doesn't matter. Only today does. Only how I feel right now. And right now, I know that I am happy, I love my boyfriend and this is what I want.

Who knows where my life will end up. Who knows what twists and turns will happen or surprises I have in store. A year ago, I never ever would have imagined that I am starting my training to run in the Boston Marathon for the SECOND time! Seriously? That was not even a thought at all!

SO.. trying to figure out what is ahead for me and let these unknowns influence this amazing relationship that I have? No. I don't think so. I am not going to let some unknown feeling or what could happen someday impact everything wonderful that I have going on today, right now, in my life.

Like I said.. it got me thinking about things in a whole different way. :) And I am happier than ever too.

I can't wait to see what else my life has in store. So many great things present themselves to me. Things I never ever would have imagined being in my life or even things I ever would have THOUGHT that I would want! Its kind of cool. :)

October has been good. Still don't have a laptop. At my boyfriend's house, using his Mac again. Funny... I was online while he was doing other stuff in the other room. Now he's in here, laying with me on the sofa, with the dog laying between us with a movie on. Not sure how much sense I am going to make while watching the movie too.

Not really sure what I feel like saying today. I'm happy. There were a few issues that we talked about this weekend, and things are good now. I'm glad we talked. I really think this was a good thing that we talked. I feel so much better and I feel better about us and how things are between the 2 of us. I love him. I am so happy with us.

Today was great. After my swim, I got back to his house.. he cooked wings for the game. He's such a great cook. And he makes football Sunday so fun! Now we are chilling... as I slowly type this. I love him and I love all of this. He's just a really great guy. And I want him to be in my life for a long time. I see this being something great for me.

Been a bit... laptop is basically dead. Using my boyfriends Mac to type right now. Life is good Paying off bills. Getting some Christmas shopping done. Pool reopened and swimming again. Got accepted on Team Eye and Ear again so I'll be doing the 2012 marathon.
Overall, everything is great.
I'm happy and life is really really good! :)

This weekend was a blast! Here are a few pictures....


This is the 4 of us after we all ran our races. It was a perfect day!



Kristin and Carrie did the 1/2 marathon and got the cool medals.... they have the arch in it that was what you ran through running towards the finish line.



And this is that arch. This came out SO cool. Just as the sun was rising the day of the race. The finish line was filled with flags.



Friday, after driving to CT, we went to the expo & got our bib #'s and all the goodies. Then we checked out the park and the start and finish lines.


We really did have a great weekend away. It was just nice to get out of town and do something different with the girls. We have fun and it was a great experience. I'm really proud of my 2 friends for finishing the 1/2 marathon.

After Jill and I finished the 5K, we grabbed a few things at the car then started along the 1/2 marathon course. It was taking longer than we expected to get where we wanted to and we ended up stopping just after mile 12. I sat at that spot for about an hour cheering on the runners. It was really cool!

I knew that it was a hilly course. After I found out that they had no more up hills from that point on, I started yelling that out too. First it was all "Great job!" "You're doing Great!" "Looking Good!" Then I started yelling, "it evens out, then goes downhill! No more up hill!" People starting thanking me! :) One woman said it was the best news she heard all day. They were all cheering when I yelled it out! SO funny! :)

The ride back was long but it was a nice break on Saturday afternoon when I got home. That night I went out with the boyfriend for dinner, then we just chilled at his house. Sunday we took his dog for a walk, then watched the Pats game.

Makes me laugh, cuz this weekend it was like we turned into an old married couple. Not sure how that one happened! :) We ate dinner at the bar on Saturday and left there around 8pm. When we got back to his house, he wanted to play his game online. So he was in the other room doing that and I was in the living room watching tv with the dog.

On Sunday, after walking the dog, he was cranky. He left and went out to pick up a few things he needed at Home Depot. I washed his dishes and picked up his kitchen. After football, he was back online for a few and I was in the living room on his laptop, watching tv.

Kills me! LOL! :) How'd we get that comfortable that quick?

But I think I must be stressed out about something. I've been having really bad nightmares again. Two nights ago it was the Mexican Drug Cartel that was after me, trying to kill me and last night it was the Mafia. Making it hard to get a good night sleep when I've having these crazy nightmares.

Last night, at one bad point in the nightmare, it woke me up. Just then, the boyfriend put his arms around me, wrapped me up tight and held me close. THAT made me feel SO much better. I was so upset and scared when I woke up. Having him hold me like that really made me feel so much better.

Things are still great with him and me.... even if we are acting like an old married couple right now. :) But it is so fun and we always have such a great time together, no matter what we do. I love him. I so happy with him and can't imagine not having him in my life. I feel so lucky that I found him.

I love that I have my apartment, my own space and my own stuff, but I really don't like sleeping here anymore. Right now I'm home. My cats have been running around me, snuggling and then fighting. But they are fine that I am not here overnight. I spend about 45 minutes hanging out in the morning before I get in the shower, then after work too. Before the boyfriend, I think I spent less time sitting at home.

But now.. time for me to get ready to go running. :)