I am a planner by nature. I organize a fitness group and plan out those events. With my group of friends, I am the one who plans the nights out, picks the date and puts the details together. For work, I give trainings to new accounts and schedule times and make sure everything that needs to be done is.
Over the years I have done my best to be less rigid and to be better able to handle curve balls. I've had HUGE progress with that. I still don't love surprises. I still need a plan. And I REALLY need to have expectations set. I don't do well when something outside of any possibility is tossed at me.
Last night was one of those nights. Things I never ever would have or could have expected were thrown at me. I tried my best to roll with it and go with it, but was more than a few steps outside of any level of comfort I have. I was being asked to do things that are just not part of who I am. And it was NOT fun.
I'm a little surprised at the severity of my reaction to it. I was so uncomfortable, felt so humiliated. It was such a horrible experience. But I was so upset. It took well over an hour for me to stop crying. Anytime I started to think or talk about it, I started up again. Even today telling a friend about it on the phone. I could hear my voice going when I said how humiliating the experience was.
I just didn't expect it. Trying to roll with, trying to have fun with it, trying to be fun... it wasn't enough and even more was being pushed on to me. I'm glad I stood my ground and didn't compromise my values at all. I know my limits and I know when I set a line in the sand, I do not cross that.
In the past, I've written how I don't feel judged by my boyfriend and by my friend Michelle. Those really are 2 of the only people in my entire life that I feel have not judged me or any part of my life. Any experiences I have are not bad or shocking. They are just experiences and part of what makes up me.
With almost everyone else in my life or anyone who was in my life, I have felt like different parts of me, different experiences from my past were being judged and used to judge me. I guess, how I grew up, the people in my life, and that so many people I have had around me just judged me... I didn't feel like I was all that conservative of a person. I have a past. I've had some pushing the limits times.
My boyfriend always jokes about the town I'm from. That just because that's where I'm from, I'm sheltered and conservative. He's said... Its not like your a Chelsea girl! And I guess in a way that's true. But up until last night, I didn't really realize it.
Now I do. I am much more conservative than I realized I was. I know my limits. I know my ideals. I know what lines I will not cross. Being pushed and pushed to cross a line that I know is not something I could or would ever be comfortable with was not a fun experience. And in front of a crowd, being told I was "dismissed" because I wouldn't publicly cross one of those lines? That was humiliating.
And I don't know why it was humiliating. I stood my ground. I stuck to my values. I didn't cross a line that I am not comfortable crossing. Shouldn't that be a good thing? Shouldn't I be proud of that? Why was I in tears for an hour, so upset and angry for being in that position?
I felt completely out of control last night. It was not something I wanted to do. In fact, several times I clearly stated it was something I did NOT want to do. But in a crowd, pushed, I tried to play the part and roll with it. I tried to have fun with it. I tried to put on a smile and go with the flow, as uncomfortable as it was and as out of my element as I was. I tried. I really honestly tried.
But I kept getting pushed, further and further and harder and harder. More than anyone else, more than the other 4 people who were with me. And I stood my ground in front of that crowd. I didn't cross the line I knew I wouldn't cross and would never cross. And then, in front of that crowd, I was dismissed.
What a horrible feeling! I was uncomfortable going into the whole situation. Meeting dozens of people I've never met. Put into a situation I have never been in, in an environment that is completely nothing I have ever experienced or wanted to experience. Not my crowd, not my scene. Not my idea of fun. Then to be called out, in a bigger crowd, pushed and pushed and ultimately "dismissed"? That was awful.
When I was back at my seat, I was immediately a mess. As much as I didn't want to cause a scene, I might have. I was trying to keep my voice down, but you can't really flip out and swear quietly. When I was told, "I thought it would be fun for you", I completely lost it. I have absolutely no idea how many "F" bombs I dropped.
What part of ME is THAT? How the F would I have fun with that? How would that be F'in FUN for me? I have never felt so F'in humiliated ever! I shouldn't have f'in come. I shouldn't f'in be here. If I had my own car, I would f'in leave NOW. THIS is NOT f'in fun for me. How the F would you think this would be f'in fun for me? I f'in told you I didn't want to f'in do this!
OH, I went OFF. I was in tear. And I don't cry pretty. Red, swollen and blotchy face. Yeah, SO not pretty.
And then leaving shortly after that, walking past a group of people who could easily see my face (even heard a comment... a guy say 'Oh'. Yeah, cuz THAT helped!). I was so upset all night. I had horrible nightmares.... drug addicts after me, trying to rape & kill me in a house they were squatting in. The police knew about it and weren't there to help. They just sat there and watched.
Hmm... guess that kind of says it all, huh? Last night I felt like I was being attacked. Someone I feel safe with, protected by, didn't do anything. Just sat there and watched it all. Guess I replayed it all out in my dream.
Last night was not fun for me. As open minded as I am, as much as I try to push myself out of my comfort zone and continually want to try new things, I purposely do not put myself in situations I know I do not want to be in. I knew I should go last night. I said it yesterday to a friend. I did not want to go. But I went against my judgement. When I was called out with a few others, I had already said that I didn't want to do that. But I did. I tried, I rolled with it as best as I could. But it still didn't stop. I still got pushed. And when I stood my ground hard and wouldn't be pushed, I was "dismissed" for it. Literally told, you are dismissed. Nice, huh? F'ing C. I seriously wanted to knock that DB out!
Instead, I lost it. I cried. I flipped out. And I went off on the person who I feel safe with, who I feel stood by and didn't protect me in this situation. I went the F off!
So... now, I need to let this go. I need to just learn from it, release it and let it go. It'll eat at me if I let it. Not worth that. I don't want to do that. I know I won't be part of that again. I know I won't go there again. And I know I need to trust in me more. Trust in my instincts more. Stand up for myself and for my instincts more when I feel like I am being pushed. And I need to push back.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 30, 2011
I've been in a funk for a couple of days now and I can't figure out why. I'm tired and not excited to go to work today, even with getting out early. I'm just not excited.
I am the kind of person who needs something to look forward to. Right now I don't have anything. Nothing. I'm taking my fitness classes in February. That's it. I have NO other plans between now and when I go to the Cape in July. Nothing at all.
I have NOTHING to look forward to. Nothing super fun to plan for.
Just in a big funk.
At least this is a weekend. Leaving work at 3pm and off on Monday. Those are my only positives. But I just want to keep my sweats on and crawl under my blanket. That's not an option right now.
This weekend I'll be doing my end of 2011 review and trying to set up some goals for 2012. It'll be interesting to see where that goes and what I end up with.
I am the kind of person who needs something to look forward to. Right now I don't have anything. Nothing. I'm taking my fitness classes in February. That's it. I have NO other plans between now and when I go to the Cape in July. Nothing at all.
I have NOTHING to look forward to. Nothing super fun to plan for.
Just in a big funk.
At least this is a weekend. Leaving work at 3pm and off on Monday. Those are my only positives. But I just want to keep my sweats on and crawl under my blanket. That's not an option right now.
This weekend I'll be doing my end of 2011 review and trying to set up some goals for 2012. It'll be interesting to see where that goes and what I end up with.
Monday, December 26, 2011
And now its over
All the crazy rushing, to do lists, shopping, wrapping, baking... and it is just over so quickly! But I love Christmas. I love it so much. Seeing everyone, all the food, people happy. It is one of my favorite holidays.
Saturday was nuts. After I got off of my computer, I spent more time knitting one more scarf, which I had to stop doing to move on. Then I finished making over 100 truffles. Once those were in the fridge, I started wrapping my Christmas gifts... yes, STARTED wrapping the gifts. I had to pack my bag with my clothes and everything I needed to get ready, after I showered and got ready for Christmas Eve.
I think I left my house around 2:30 to head over to my boyfriends house and completely unpack my car. I can't believe how much I had with me! We packed up his car and headed up north of Boston. We stopped at 3 restaurants to get gift certificates and at Walgreens. My boyfriend needed a gift bag for his nephews gift (which they were obviously out of Christmas bags!).
The whole time we were in the car, we were listening to the 2nd half of the Patriots game, which YAY! They won! :)
And of course my boyfriend needed to stop to get his car washed at that point... so we finally got to my grandfather's house around 5. I stayed there for dinner which was pretty quiet until about 30 or so cousin's from next door popped over. (side note... my cousin is maybe 6'7" tall. He is married with 2 kids. Last year they were living in Colorado and didn't come home for Christmas because she was VERY pregnant. So I knew that his son was under a year old. OH MY GOD is Zack HUGE! He is 11 months old and wearing a size 18 months. He is so long and weighs 30 pounds! He's NOT a year! LOL!)
It was pretty cool to see the whole family though. I gave my grandfather a set of rosary beads that I had hand made for him out of roses I had from my grandmother's funeral. They were absolutely beautiful! They came out so pretty. He was cute too...was getting teared up just from the Christmas card I got for him. I love my grampy!
My boyfriend had only dropped me off at my grandfather's house and left after a few minutes to head over to his mother's house where his family did their Christmas eve thing. He got back to my grandfather's house around 9 to hang out with us for a bit there. My family exchanged the rest of our gifts, then we cleaned up and headed home.
We stopped by my house so I could run in and give the cats some more food. They have been on a strict schedule for eating... I feed them between 7-8 am & pm. Christmas Eve morning they ate a little late, around 9. Then I left out cans around 2:30 when I left and put more food in when we stopped by my house around 11pm that night on our way home. Nuts!
And my boyfriends poor dog! He left him out before I got there on Christmas Eve, so he was out around 2 or 2:30. But we didn't get back until about 11:30! Poor thing must have had his legs crossed waiting for us. At least he didn't have an accident or anything.
Christmas night was tough sleeping. I gave the dog a toy on Christmas Eve before we went out. It was a hard plastic ball about 5 or 6 inches in diameter with 3 holes cut out of it. Inside is a soft plastic ball. But he can't get it out with the hard plastic around it. Rocco LOVES that toy! LOVES!
Well, we went to bed Christmas Eve night, maybe around 11:45 or so. Rocco was in the room with us as always. Around 1am, he must have gotten that ball stuck under the bed and he couldn't reach it. So he started crying. And crying. And crying! Then when we weren't moving (my boyfriend sleeps with headphones on to not hear any noise, so he couldn't hear any of this!), Rocco started pulling on the blankets. From the foot of the bed, he was biting the blankets and pulling them off of me!
I was seriously fighting with a 110 pound dog to keep blanket on me! And he wouldn't stop crying! This might have gone on for 30-45 minutes. I ended up waking my boyfriend up while I was fighting for blankets with the dog. He got up, found the damn ball, and threw it up high on the dresser. The dog was STILL crying for a while but finally he fell asleep.
My boyfriend wakes up before dawn, which drives me INSANE. We were up before 7am! URGH! But it was fun. He didn't have a tree and didn't want a tree. Sort of threw a fit when I said I wanted to buy a little potted tree. So I went out and bought the most obnoxious tree I could find. Less than a foot tall, with lights and Mickey Mouse on top. By clicking it on, the lights flick and it plays music, maybe 10 songs. SO obnoxious! LOL! But we needed a tree! He laughed.
I gave him a stocking with little stuffers, plus coal. :) Then he opened his real gift. The Hammock. The hammock, the stand, the storage bag, the pillow and even the cup holder! He LOVED it. Even this morning he said he was thinking of setting it up in his spare room. I'm REALLY glad I got that for him. He was surprised, but loved it! Worked out well.
I had told him that whatever he gave me, I wanted a card! Well, he had already told me on his birthday that his card for me was short and sweet. So I knew there was a card. When he handed me the box with my Christmas gift, no card on it! He told me to just open it.
He got me an absolutely beautiful Coach bag. SO not something I would ever get for myself and I love it! :) A silver and black satchel bag. SO pretty. I could never ever spend $300 on purse, but I LOVE this bag! Love.
And inside the purse was the super sweet and great Christmas card that he got for me. I loved it.
After we finished opening gifts, after the Dunkin run, we showered and got ready for the day. We left his house just after 9am, stopped at my house to give the cats more food, then made a quick stop at Walgreens near me. With his 3 previously trips to Walgreens, he never got a card for my parents. They had ONE Christmas card that was all wordy and what not. He was so funny describing what he almost bought them instead of that! Too funny.
We got up to my parents house around 10:15 and exchanged gifts there. That was when I finished up the scarf I gave to my aunt Mary for Christmas. From mom and dad's, we went over to my aunt Marion's house and did the whole Christmas thing with them for a bit and caught up with everyone. It was the first time my mom's family met my boyfriend, so that was nice. I really wanted him to meet my cousin Jenn.
One of my cousin's got engaged yesterday. I'm happy for her. Everyone kept asking if she had set a date. Um, she was engaged for 30 minutes! I doubted it! LOL!
We left my aunts house just before 1 and went over to my boyfriends parents house. His mom had cleaned a chain for him and she had his grandfather's chain that she wanted him to have. That was really nice too. He had been close to his grandfather, so he loved that.
His parents had been going through one of their safes, where that chain had been and found a bunch of old jewelry. They pulled a few pieces to show me. HOLY COW! His dad showed him his Rolex that he said will one day be my boyfriends, but he can borrow if he ever needs it for a dressy event or something. Such a gorgeous watch! WOW!
And then some of his mother's jewelry! HOLY CRAP! I knew her diamond was unbelievable, it was her second diamond and is HUGE. Then she had this great bracelet and necklace from Italy that she was wearing yesterday. She also pulled out an old sapphire and diamond necklace and bracelet set. They were so nice. I couldn't believe it. Just gorgeous jewelry.
Anyway... from there we headed over to his cousin's house for dinner. I can't believe the amount of food they had over there. It was crazy. Even worse than my family if that's even possible! So delicious. But WAY too much! They had the whole house decorated. The table and place settings looked like they were right out of a magazine. It was so nice. (His cousin's house is incredible! I counted 18 movie theater seats in their home theater room. Yes, a movie theater, with a popcorn machine, in their house!)
We left there, stopped to feed the cats again and then went back to his house around 6:30 or 7 last night. We hung out and talked for hours last night too, which was really cool.
I had such a great Christmas this year. So many people, so many memories and good times. Being with my boyfriend, waking up in his arms and spending the whole day with him was so great. It made this Christmas even that much better.
He was cute too... I found out after opening the Coach bag that he wasn't sure on it. He had been asking his mom, his aunt and a few of his cousin's about it. They all knew the bag I got and were looking at it on Christmas, asking me if I liked it. :) He really wanted to get me something I liked. He did good! LOL!
He's a great guy. Even if he got me something small, it wouldn't have mattered. The card he gave me was absolutely perfect. It was everything I wanted. I am SO happy with him, with our relationship and with everything that is going on in my life.
I'm really lucky with how everything has fallen into place for me. Things are really really good. I'm just really happy. Really really happy! :)
Saturday was nuts. After I got off of my computer, I spent more time knitting one more scarf, which I had to stop doing to move on. Then I finished making over 100 truffles. Once those were in the fridge, I started wrapping my Christmas gifts... yes, STARTED wrapping the gifts. I had to pack my bag with my clothes and everything I needed to get ready, after I showered and got ready for Christmas Eve.
I think I left my house around 2:30 to head over to my boyfriends house and completely unpack my car. I can't believe how much I had with me! We packed up his car and headed up north of Boston. We stopped at 3 restaurants to get gift certificates and at Walgreens. My boyfriend needed a gift bag for his nephews gift (which they were obviously out of Christmas bags!).
The whole time we were in the car, we were listening to the 2nd half of the Patriots game, which YAY! They won! :)
And of course my boyfriend needed to stop to get his car washed at that point... so we finally got to my grandfather's house around 5. I stayed there for dinner which was pretty quiet until about 30 or so cousin's from next door popped over. (side note... my cousin is maybe 6'7" tall. He is married with 2 kids. Last year they were living in Colorado and didn't come home for Christmas because she was VERY pregnant. So I knew that his son was under a year old. OH MY GOD is Zack HUGE! He is 11 months old and wearing a size 18 months. He is so long and weighs 30 pounds! He's NOT a year! LOL!)
It was pretty cool to see the whole family though. I gave my grandfather a set of rosary beads that I had hand made for him out of roses I had from my grandmother's funeral. They were absolutely beautiful! They came out so pretty. He was cute too...was getting teared up just from the Christmas card I got for him. I love my grampy!
My boyfriend had only dropped me off at my grandfather's house and left after a few minutes to head over to his mother's house where his family did their Christmas eve thing. He got back to my grandfather's house around 9 to hang out with us for a bit there. My family exchanged the rest of our gifts, then we cleaned up and headed home.
We stopped by my house so I could run in and give the cats some more food. They have been on a strict schedule for eating... I feed them between 7-8 am & pm. Christmas Eve morning they ate a little late, around 9. Then I left out cans around 2:30 when I left and put more food in when we stopped by my house around 11pm that night on our way home. Nuts!
And my boyfriends poor dog! He left him out before I got there on Christmas Eve, so he was out around 2 or 2:30. But we didn't get back until about 11:30! Poor thing must have had his legs crossed waiting for us. At least he didn't have an accident or anything.
Christmas night was tough sleeping. I gave the dog a toy on Christmas Eve before we went out. It was a hard plastic ball about 5 or 6 inches in diameter with 3 holes cut out of it. Inside is a soft plastic ball. But he can't get it out with the hard plastic around it. Rocco LOVES that toy! LOVES!
Well, we went to bed Christmas Eve night, maybe around 11:45 or so. Rocco was in the room with us as always. Around 1am, he must have gotten that ball stuck under the bed and he couldn't reach it. So he started crying. And crying. And crying! Then when we weren't moving (my boyfriend sleeps with headphones on to not hear any noise, so he couldn't hear any of this!), Rocco started pulling on the blankets. From the foot of the bed, he was biting the blankets and pulling them off of me!
I was seriously fighting with a 110 pound dog to keep blanket on me! And he wouldn't stop crying! This might have gone on for 30-45 minutes. I ended up waking my boyfriend up while I was fighting for blankets with the dog. He got up, found the damn ball, and threw it up high on the dresser. The dog was STILL crying for a while but finally he fell asleep.
My boyfriend wakes up before dawn, which drives me INSANE. We were up before 7am! URGH! But it was fun. He didn't have a tree and didn't want a tree. Sort of threw a fit when I said I wanted to buy a little potted tree. So I went out and bought the most obnoxious tree I could find. Less than a foot tall, with lights and Mickey Mouse on top. By clicking it on, the lights flick and it plays music, maybe 10 songs. SO obnoxious! LOL! But we needed a tree! He laughed.
I gave him a stocking with little stuffers, plus coal. :) Then he opened his real gift. The Hammock. The hammock, the stand, the storage bag, the pillow and even the cup holder! He LOVED it. Even this morning he said he was thinking of setting it up in his spare room. I'm REALLY glad I got that for him. He was surprised, but loved it! Worked out well.
I had told him that whatever he gave me, I wanted a card! Well, he had already told me on his birthday that his card for me was short and sweet. So I knew there was a card. When he handed me the box with my Christmas gift, no card on it! He told me to just open it.
He got me an absolutely beautiful Coach bag. SO not something I would ever get for myself and I love it! :) A silver and black satchel bag. SO pretty. I could never ever spend $300 on purse, but I LOVE this bag! Love.
And inside the purse was the super sweet and great Christmas card that he got for me. I loved it.
After we finished opening gifts, after the Dunkin run, we showered and got ready for the day. We left his house just after 9am, stopped at my house to give the cats more food, then made a quick stop at Walgreens near me. With his 3 previously trips to Walgreens, he never got a card for my parents. They had ONE Christmas card that was all wordy and what not. He was so funny describing what he almost bought them instead of that! Too funny.
We got up to my parents house around 10:15 and exchanged gifts there. That was when I finished up the scarf I gave to my aunt Mary for Christmas. From mom and dad's, we went over to my aunt Marion's house and did the whole Christmas thing with them for a bit and caught up with everyone. It was the first time my mom's family met my boyfriend, so that was nice. I really wanted him to meet my cousin Jenn.
One of my cousin's got engaged yesterday. I'm happy for her. Everyone kept asking if she had set a date. Um, she was engaged for 30 minutes! I doubted it! LOL!
We left my aunts house just before 1 and went over to my boyfriends parents house. His mom had cleaned a chain for him and she had his grandfather's chain that she wanted him to have. That was really nice too. He had been close to his grandfather, so he loved that.
His parents had been going through one of their safes, where that chain had been and found a bunch of old jewelry. They pulled a few pieces to show me. HOLY COW! His dad showed him his Rolex that he said will one day be my boyfriends, but he can borrow if he ever needs it for a dressy event or something. Such a gorgeous watch! WOW!
And then some of his mother's jewelry! HOLY CRAP! I knew her diamond was unbelievable, it was her second diamond and is HUGE. Then she had this great bracelet and necklace from Italy that she was wearing yesterday. She also pulled out an old sapphire and diamond necklace and bracelet set. They were so nice. I couldn't believe it. Just gorgeous jewelry.
Anyway... from there we headed over to his cousin's house for dinner. I can't believe the amount of food they had over there. It was crazy. Even worse than my family if that's even possible! So delicious. But WAY too much! They had the whole house decorated. The table and place settings looked like they were right out of a magazine. It was so nice. (His cousin's house is incredible! I counted 18 movie theater seats in their home theater room. Yes, a movie theater, with a popcorn machine, in their house!)
We left there, stopped to feed the cats again and then went back to his house around 6:30 or 7 last night. We hung out and talked for hours last night too, which was really cool.
I had such a great Christmas this year. So many people, so many memories and good times. Being with my boyfriend, waking up in his arms and spending the whole day with him was so great. It made this Christmas even that much better.
He was cute too... I found out after opening the Coach bag that he wasn't sure on it. He had been asking his mom, his aunt and a few of his cousin's about it. They all knew the bag I got and were looking at it on Christmas, asking me if I liked it. :) He really wanted to get me something I liked. He did good! LOL!
He's a great guy. Even if he got me something small, it wouldn't have mattered. The card he gave me was absolutely perfect. It was everything I wanted. I am SO happy with him, with our relationship and with everything that is going on in my life.
I'm really lucky with how everything has fallen into place for me. Things are really really good. I'm just really happy. Really really happy! :)
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Merry Christmas Eve!
My "To Do" list for today is HUGE! I wrote out the list about an hour ago so I wouldn't forget anything I need to do today or pack up today. And I have been sitting on the sofa, watching the news and on my laptop since. Neither are on my "to do" list. :)
I should be getting in the shower in about 3 hours. Between now and then I need to melt chocolate, dip the truffles in that, melt more white chocolate to drizzle over the truffles, and have them in the fridge for a while to harden back up. I need to finish wrapping my... wait um, START wrapping my Christmas gifts. I need to pack my back to sleep at my boyfriends house tonight and shower and get ready for Christmas at his house in the morning. And I need to pack up everything in my car.
Oh yeah, and I need to finish knitting one or 2 more scarves for Christmas gifts. If I can get one done, I'm happy. My mom can wait for me to finish the one I am half way through for her. I have one done for my boyfriend's mom and I want to finish the one I'm in the middle of my Aunt Mary.
Not sure why I always leave SO much for the very very end, but that's ok. I work best under pressure! I think I should do the chocolate for the truffles sooner rather than later so they have time to sit in the fridge after. But I gave myself 2 hours to shower, get ready and pack... I have to leave my house in just under 5 hours. AHHHH..... not sure how I'm going to make it through.
But I like Christmas. I'm excited about it all this year. Tonight we are celebrating my grandpa's 90th birthday, which will be fun. Plus, I get to see all the extended family I almost never see, including my bother being home for Christmas for the first time in years!
I can't wait until tomorrow morning to give my boyfriend his Christmas gift. I'm so excited about that! I really really hope he likes it. I know it is absolutely the last thing he'll expect. He has NO idea about it and I love that!
AND, this is the first time ever that I'll be bringing someone around for Christmas. I don't think I've ever brought anyone to anything with my mom's family at all, so that's kind of a big deal. We have to make the rounds tomorrow, but I'm excited about it all.
Last night was so much fun when we went out. I took the boyfriend out for his bday. We just went to the 99 and sat at the bar for dinner and drinks... LOTS of drinks. He was WRECKED when we left. 5 Jack and Diets can do that! But he liked his bday gifts... 6 shirts, a hoodie, a Dunkin mug and gift card, a cake, dinner and my little home made gift certificate for a massage with the massage oil. He said he had a great birthday, which is good. He wasn't really into his birthday but I love them and think they ARE big deal.
It was fun to go out, chat with people at the bar and just be a couple. Things with him and I are going even better. I love him so much and I'm just so happy with him and how things are with us. He's such a great person. No one is perfect, but he really is perfect for me. He's who and what I need in my life. I've never been more of ME with anyone else, ever! Friends, family, other relationships. Never.
Different people see different parts of your personality, different sides. I'm not the same person in the office as I am at the pool or for Sunday dinner with my family, or out at the bar with friends. Even being around different friends, they all see different sides of me. I'm not the same with everyone. It all depends on the relationship.
Some of my friends are more open than others. Some are more conservative. Some are more philosophical. They all see different sides of me. I'd say my friend Michelle is the most open, least judging friend I have or have had ever. I know she accepts me as I am, warts and all and doesn't judge me on anything I have or could say. I've always held back with other people. Even if they say or said that I wasn't judged... you know when you are being judged. Michelle is the only friend who never judged me.
But my boyfriend? NEVER. Never ever felt judged by him with anything. I could say or do anything with him. I can share dreams, fears, plans, past experiences... anything at all. No judgement what-so-ever. I have never, ever, in my life, been more of just ME with anyone as I am with him. He sees all sides, every part of me, just me, who I am completely. It is just amazing and so comforting to be this open with someone. To be this accepted by someone.
And I love him the same way back. Him. Exactly who he is. Not part of him, not just certain sides of him. ALL of him. I love him completely for who he is, as he is.
I am so happy with everything in my life. This has been an unbelievable year for me. SO many different experiences, highs, lows, accomplishments, challenges. Everything was all over the place for me in 2011 but I have come out of this year a smarter, stronger, wiser and happier person than I have been.
I have new friendships that have developed and become huge parts of my life. I have so many amazing people on my side, supporting me. I have never have this many strong, happy and healthy relationships.
I have a new direction in my life. A new focus on what I want to accomplish and who I want to be going forward. I know where I want to be and I have been working hard and taking the necessary steps to take me in that direction.
2011 has been a great year. I really honestly do not ever remember being as happy as I am right now.
I should be getting in the shower in about 3 hours. Between now and then I need to melt chocolate, dip the truffles in that, melt more white chocolate to drizzle over the truffles, and have them in the fridge for a while to harden back up. I need to finish wrapping my... wait um, START wrapping my Christmas gifts. I need to pack my back to sleep at my boyfriends house tonight and shower and get ready for Christmas at his house in the morning. And I need to pack up everything in my car.
Oh yeah, and I need to finish knitting one or 2 more scarves for Christmas gifts. If I can get one done, I'm happy. My mom can wait for me to finish the one I am half way through for her. I have one done for my boyfriend's mom and I want to finish the one I'm in the middle of my Aunt Mary.
Not sure why I always leave SO much for the very very end, but that's ok. I work best under pressure! I think I should do the chocolate for the truffles sooner rather than later so they have time to sit in the fridge after. But I gave myself 2 hours to shower, get ready and pack... I have to leave my house in just under 5 hours. AHHHH..... not sure how I'm going to make it through.
But I like Christmas. I'm excited about it all this year. Tonight we are celebrating my grandpa's 90th birthday, which will be fun. Plus, I get to see all the extended family I almost never see, including my bother being home for Christmas for the first time in years!
I can't wait until tomorrow morning to give my boyfriend his Christmas gift. I'm so excited about that! I really really hope he likes it. I know it is absolutely the last thing he'll expect. He has NO idea about it and I love that!
AND, this is the first time ever that I'll be bringing someone around for Christmas. I don't think I've ever brought anyone to anything with my mom's family at all, so that's kind of a big deal. We have to make the rounds tomorrow, but I'm excited about it all.
Last night was so much fun when we went out. I took the boyfriend out for his bday. We just went to the 99 and sat at the bar for dinner and drinks... LOTS of drinks. He was WRECKED when we left. 5 Jack and Diets can do that! But he liked his bday gifts... 6 shirts, a hoodie, a Dunkin mug and gift card, a cake, dinner and my little home made gift certificate for a massage with the massage oil. He said he had a great birthday, which is good. He wasn't really into his birthday but I love them and think they ARE big deal.
It was fun to go out, chat with people at the bar and just be a couple. Things with him and I are going even better. I love him so much and I'm just so happy with him and how things are with us. He's such a great person. No one is perfect, but he really is perfect for me. He's who and what I need in my life. I've never been more of ME with anyone else, ever! Friends, family, other relationships. Never.
Different people see different parts of your personality, different sides. I'm not the same person in the office as I am at the pool or for Sunday dinner with my family, or out at the bar with friends. Even being around different friends, they all see different sides of me. I'm not the same with everyone. It all depends on the relationship.
Some of my friends are more open than others. Some are more conservative. Some are more philosophical. They all see different sides of me. I'd say my friend Michelle is the most open, least judging friend I have or have had ever. I know she accepts me as I am, warts and all and doesn't judge me on anything I have or could say. I've always held back with other people. Even if they say or said that I wasn't judged... you know when you are being judged. Michelle is the only friend who never judged me.
But my boyfriend? NEVER. Never ever felt judged by him with anything. I could say or do anything with him. I can share dreams, fears, plans, past experiences... anything at all. No judgement what-so-ever. I have never, ever, in my life, been more of just ME with anyone as I am with him. He sees all sides, every part of me, just me, who I am completely. It is just amazing and so comforting to be this open with someone. To be this accepted by someone.
And I love him the same way back. Him. Exactly who he is. Not part of him, not just certain sides of him. ALL of him. I love him completely for who he is, as he is.
I am so happy with everything in my life. This has been an unbelievable year for me. SO many different experiences, highs, lows, accomplishments, challenges. Everything was all over the place for me in 2011 but I have come out of this year a smarter, stronger, wiser and happier person than I have been.
I have new friendships that have developed and become huge parts of my life. I have so many amazing people on my side, supporting me. I have never have this many strong, happy and healthy relationships.
I have a new direction in my life. A new focus on what I want to accomplish and who I want to be going forward. I know where I want to be and I have been working hard and taking the necessary steps to take me in that direction.
2011 has been a great year. I really honestly do not ever remember being as happy as I am right now.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
5 Days to Christmas
All that rushing around and now its almost over. I haven't starting wrapping a thing yet! I'm pretty much ready to go. I just have baking left plus 2 gift certificates. Those I can just pick up on Saturday without any problems.
I know I'll be running around all weekend, but in a way I'm looking forward to it all. Seeing everyone, being with family. It will be fun. Crazy, but fun.
I made the decision about the marathon. I backed out of it. I knew that was what I was leaning towards. I hated to quit on it, as much as I know it is the right thing for me to do. I'd love to do it again, if I'm healthy, for 2013. We'll see where my life is at that point. But even now... I can say I finished the Boston Marathon! Not too many people can say that!
But things are good in my life. 2011 has been a really crazy year for me. Lots of twists and turns, ups and downs. Now that its coming down to the last 2 weeks of the year, its amazing where I've been this year. Just as with every other year, I'm in a completely different position than I was a year ago. My life is SO different. Its just unbelievable.
We'll see what the next 2 weeks bring and how the rest of this year finishes out. I'm looking forward to doing my end of year review and planning on setting aside a couple of hours New Years weekend for that. It'll be interesting to see what I come up with for goals and intentions for 2012.
All I know is that no matter what, this time next year I will be completely blown away by everything I experience in 2012! :)
I know I'll be running around all weekend, but in a way I'm looking forward to it all. Seeing everyone, being with family. It will be fun. Crazy, but fun.
I made the decision about the marathon. I backed out of it. I knew that was what I was leaning towards. I hated to quit on it, as much as I know it is the right thing for me to do. I'd love to do it again, if I'm healthy, for 2013. We'll see where my life is at that point. But even now... I can say I finished the Boston Marathon! Not too many people can say that!
But things are good in my life. 2011 has been a really crazy year for me. Lots of twists and turns, ups and downs. Now that its coming down to the last 2 weeks of the year, its amazing where I've been this year. Just as with every other year, I'm in a completely different position than I was a year ago. My life is SO different. Its just unbelievable.
We'll see what the next 2 weeks bring and how the rest of this year finishes out. I'm looking forward to doing my end of year review and planning on setting aside a couple of hours New Years weekend for that. It'll be interesting to see what I come up with for goals and intentions for 2012.
All I know is that no matter what, this time next year I will be completely blown away by everything I experience in 2012! :)
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Two weeks from now Christmas is all over. That's just a crazy thought. Its always rush, rush, rush to get there, then its just over. I'm hoping to have it slow down a bit and I'd really like to enjoy it. I guess not having to deal with the craziness of shopping makes it better.
I did most of my shopping early. I just have a few gift certificates left and plan on getting 2 of those today or tomorrow. Then 2 more that I can even grab on Christmas Eve.
My boyfriends birthday is on the 22nd. Still not sure what I'm doing for that. I was going to bake him a cake but he said his favorite is the cheesy Carvel ice cream cakes. SO, I guess I'm going to be picking up one of those. Still not sure what else I'm going to do.
Otherwise, I'm still working on the decisions I have to make soon. Marathon this year? I don't know. What are my plans on fitness training and how am I going to do this? What else do I have going on? And what goals do I plan on focusing on?
I'm really looking forward to doing my New Years review again. I just look forward to that each year. I learn so much about what is important to me. I have to find the questions and link to the site I use. I'll post it here. I HIGHLY recommend this. I have done it for years and it has made such a difference in giving me focus year after year.
Not too much going on otherwise. Life is good.
I did most of my shopping early. I just have a few gift certificates left and plan on getting 2 of those today or tomorrow. Then 2 more that I can even grab on Christmas Eve.
My boyfriends birthday is on the 22nd. Still not sure what I'm doing for that. I was going to bake him a cake but he said his favorite is the cheesy Carvel ice cream cakes. SO, I guess I'm going to be picking up one of those. Still not sure what else I'm going to do.
Otherwise, I'm still working on the decisions I have to make soon. Marathon this year? I don't know. What are my plans on fitness training and how am I going to do this? What else do I have going on? And what goals do I plan on focusing on?
I'm really looking forward to doing my New Years review again. I just look forward to that each year. I learn so much about what is important to me. I have to find the questions and link to the site I use. I'll post it here. I HIGHLY recommend this. I have done it for years and it has made such a difference in giving me focus year after year.
Not too much going on otherwise. Life is good.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Which Goals?
This is going to be an interesting month. I have so many things I need to figure out and my decisions could really impact things in my future.
First... do I want to do the marathon this year on not? I have been accepted onto Team Eye and Ear again. I signed the form for the $5000 minimum fundraising, but set my goal for $7500. The training is a huge commitment and so is the fundraising.
I had thought of and put some time into brainstorming about what to do for a fundraising party. BUT, that would be a lot of work to plan and put it all together. Plus getting raffle prizes donated and promoting the party to have it be successful and to have LOTS of money raised.
Then the training itself. I'm not where I was at a year ago. This time last year I was running 5 miles three times a week. I'm not doing 5 miles. I'm not doing 3 miles ONCE a week! I'm slacking so much and so far behind.
Last year I was injured in March with my back. Ever since then, every time I run, I feel it in my lower back. Do I want to put myself through that again?? Could I cause myself more injury the long term if I went for this?
And what about my time in general? Working full-time, training, planning a fund-raising party, working towards being a fitness trainer and needing to take fitness classes to get my foot in somewhere, my boyfriend, my family, my friends.... sleep!
Can I do it? Can I commit to it again this year? Or should I wait and try again for 2013 instead? Would I do it again?
I'm just really afraid of the training this time around. REALLY afraid of the training. I know what it takes. I know how painful my injury was last year and I never completely healed from that. I'm just really really worried about it.
Second is the fitness training. I had some great ideas when I was walking home tonight. I wrote it all out and that just pushed things further. I'm really excited about it and about the possibilities of what I can do with all of that. This Saturday is my first class. I cannot wait! I'm nervous but excited. This is just the first step to a dream I have and a direction that I want my life to go.
What else? Work is the same. I'm fried at this point and just burnt out. Sadly, it has started to become a paycheck more than anything else. I think that's why I'm so inspired by doing the fitness thing. I have a passion for that! I see a difference in that. I make an impact with that. Not with what I am doing right now for my paycheck.
There are more things I am not ready to get into here... if ever. Just a lot of different things on my mind. My life comes in phases and when things change... they CHANGE. I think I am on the cusp of change in my life. Things are shifting. I have done so much work on myself over the past several years and I have completely changed my life and changed the direction of my life. I am a different person in every way than I was just 5 years ago. It's just crazy to see that now.
And I can feel more things are changing. More things are coming. I've worked hard to get where I am. I've had some things end but I have had so many new things come into my life and it keeps growing. I can feel more shifting about to happen too. I don't know what. I don't know where, but I feel it. Things are happening.
I don't know if it will all be good, happy, positive changes. Things aren't always like that, at least when they happen. But eventually, in hindsight, the changes were the necessary and for the best, no matter how difficult when living through it. I'm nervous about those changes and I think things like that could and might happen. But I don't know. I do know that whatever happens is supposed to happen and I always land on my feet. :)
So today was very interesting! Two friends were on the news today! How crazy is that? Two different, completely unrelated stories, news stations, friends who don't know each other... both on the news.
The local news story was someone from my marathon team, Liz. She lives and works in Boston and Friday at lunch was walking home so she could take her dog out for a walk (her Facebook pictures of her dog are SO cute!) She was assaulted by a guy from Occupy Boston, who was arrested. He grabbed her and started screaming at her.
Fox News had it as the top story tonight when they interviewed her from her home. It was weird too, cuz just before that, the Country Awards were on TV. Liz had just posted "
First... do I want to do the marathon this year on not? I have been accepted onto Team Eye and Ear again. I signed the form for the $5000 minimum fundraising, but set my goal for $7500. The training is a huge commitment and so is the fundraising.
I had thought of and put some time into brainstorming about what to do for a fundraising party. BUT, that would be a lot of work to plan and put it all together. Plus getting raffle prizes donated and promoting the party to have it be successful and to have LOTS of money raised.
Then the training itself. I'm not where I was at a year ago. This time last year I was running 5 miles three times a week. I'm not doing 5 miles. I'm not doing 3 miles ONCE a week! I'm slacking so much and so far behind.
Last year I was injured in March with my back. Ever since then, every time I run, I feel it in my lower back. Do I want to put myself through that again?? Could I cause myself more injury the long term if I went for this?
And what about my time in general? Working full-time, training, planning a fund-raising party, working towards being a fitness trainer and needing to take fitness classes to get my foot in somewhere, my boyfriend, my family, my friends.... sleep!
Can I do it? Can I commit to it again this year? Or should I wait and try again for 2013 instead? Would I do it again?
I'm just really afraid of the training this time around. REALLY afraid of the training. I know what it takes. I know how painful my injury was last year and I never completely healed from that. I'm just really really worried about it.
Second is the fitness training. I had some great ideas when I was walking home tonight. I wrote it all out and that just pushed things further. I'm really excited about it and about the possibilities of what I can do with all of that. This Saturday is my first class. I cannot wait! I'm nervous but excited. This is just the first step to a dream I have and a direction that I want my life to go.
What else? Work is the same. I'm fried at this point and just burnt out. Sadly, it has started to become a paycheck more than anything else. I think that's why I'm so inspired by doing the fitness thing. I have a passion for that! I see a difference in that. I make an impact with that. Not with what I am doing right now for my paycheck.
There are more things I am not ready to get into here... if ever. Just a lot of different things on my mind. My life comes in phases and when things change... they CHANGE. I think I am on the cusp of change in my life. Things are shifting. I have done so much work on myself over the past several years and I have completely changed my life and changed the direction of my life. I am a different person in every way than I was just 5 years ago. It's just crazy to see that now.
And I can feel more things are changing. More things are coming. I've worked hard to get where I am. I've had some things end but I have had so many new things come into my life and it keeps growing. I can feel more shifting about to happen too. I don't know what. I don't know where, but I feel it. Things are happening.
I don't know if it will all be good, happy, positive changes. Things aren't always like that, at least when they happen. But eventually, in hindsight, the changes were the necessary and for the best, no matter how difficult when living through it. I'm nervous about those changes and I think things like that could and might happen. But I don't know. I do know that whatever happens is supposed to happen and I always land on my feet. :)
So today was very interesting! Two friends were on the news today! How crazy is that? Two different, completely unrelated stories, news stations, friends who don't know each other... both on the news.
The local news story was someone from my marathon team, Liz. She lives and works in Boston and Friday at lunch was walking home so she could take her dog out for a walk (her Facebook pictures of her dog are SO cute!) She was assaulted by a guy from Occupy Boston, who was arrested. He grabbed her and started screaming at her.
Fox News had it as the top story tonight when they interviewed her from her home. It was weird too, cuz just before that, the Country Awards were on TV. Liz had just posted "
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Into December
Got lots on my mind lately and sometimes grabbing a pen and writing things instead of typing helps much more. So that's what I've been doing.
Confusing thoughts about my boyfriend.
Money issues I thought were done, starting up again.
My car.
Running. Do I want to do the marathon again, even though I was already accepted to the team? What do I want to do?
Lots of questions, lots to figure out. Life can be pretty confusing.
Confusing thoughts about my boyfriend.
Money issues I thought were done, starting up again.
My car.
Running. Do I want to do the marathon again, even though I was already accepted to the team? What do I want to do?
Lots of questions, lots to figure out. Life can be pretty confusing.
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