Once and a while something happens that just makes you think.

Last night on the news they showed a story about an armed robbery at a gas station near the lake in Wakefield that happened around 7pm Monday night. I was watching the news this morning and they said there was an arrest. Then they said who was arrested.

Eugene Bertini.

I went to school with Gene. I remember him well. And I remember the rumors. The really really bad rumors. The rumors that were even featured on ABC's 20/20 about a year and a half ago... for the 20th anniversary. That episode was called "Vanished".

Back in 1989, life was different, but I remember it. And I remember the posters. I remember seeing one at Sunnyhurst Farms on Main St up in the window. The top said "MISSING" with a picture of Melanie.

After watching the news and seeing Gene and all that again, I did a google search. Melanie disappeared just before Halloween in 1989, about a week before she turned 15. I had turned 15 less than 2 months earlier.

She was a year behind me in school and I remember her at the middle school in Stoneham before she moved in with her grandmother in Woburn. Even on the 20/20 special, she had the big "S" on her cheerleading uniform from Stoneham. She had just started her freshman year of HS at Woburn High.

She was invited to a party in the woods. Everyone from Stoneham and Woburn partied in those woods. It was off the road, hard to get to, and no one bothered you. Melanie went to the party. She was never seen again.

Per all the witness interviews, it was down to Melanie and 2 other people. One was Gene. Both guys said, no.. it was the other guy that was last with her.

Melanie's body was never found.

Tonight on the 6pm news Fox finally put it all together. Gene Bertini who was arrested for the armed robbery last night was the same Gene Bertini who was one of the last people to see Melanie alive.

This Halloween will be 22 years. Her parents are both dead, so is her grandmother. I can't imagine what her family had gone through all that time. 22 years. She was 2 months younger than me.

The Fox News story was a really good story.
http://www.myfoxboston.com/dpp/news/crime_files/last-man-to-see-missing-girl-alive-arrested-in-robbery-20110426

I was supposed to go to yoga tonight for a 7pm class. It is all back roads to get there and takes about 20 minutes, maybe a little longer depending on the lights. The time just switched to 6:27. I am on the sofa, under a blanket, on my laptop, in the clothes I wore to work.

Yoga class tonight isn't looking good.

I was really looking forward to going, but I'm just so spent. Today was INSANE at work. Plus my allergies are KILLING me. I am just so congested, this is killing me. My whole head feels heavy and my nose won't stop running. I'm just uncomfortable.

So moving to change and leave within 5 minutes? Yeah, not going to happen at this point. And this was most likely my last night of class. OH well. I'm tired and I need the break.

Now I need to figure out what I want to eat for dinner. Hmm....

Happy Easter

I didn't sleep last night. My power went out a few times for all of a minute I think but something (I think the CO2 Detector) kept beeping each time. I WAY overslept... after noon time now. I'm in pj's finishing the coffee in a messy house. I should be showered and getting ready to go to mom's.

I wanted to finish cleaning and vacuum this morning, then do a workout. Guess I don't have time if mom wants me at her place before 2. I have to leave in less than an hour and a half, so not too much time left to sit and enjoy the coffee, forget about cleaning or exercising!

Not sleeping well is not my favorite thing, especially when I have to see my family that day! After I got up and put water in the cats bowls, I was making coffee when my cell was vibrating. Mom. I talked to her about 24 hours ago. She was freaking out because I didn't call her back last night when she called or from her call this morning. OMG. Seriously! She said, "I haven't talked to you. I was worried about you." I said I talked to you 24 hours ago. Really? How old am I?

So I'm in a bit of a funk right now and I need to shake it if I'm going to deal with my whole family ALL DAY LONG today. Time to finish up the coffee and find what I'm happy about to focus on that.

Hmm... warm weather, open windows, blue sky. Tomorrow the running group starts with over 50 people. I'll have pizzagania today at Easter.

This week starts my crazy month of plans for every single night Monday-Friday. Seriously. The next Mon-Fri night I do not have anything planned yet is Memorial Day weekend... Friday, May 27th. I have something every single other night. And next weekend is already full, Saturday and Sunday. The weekend after, yup, got plans that Saturday day and Sunday (that Saturday night is still open). The next weekend, the 14th-15th, I have a wedding on Saturday and I'll be at mom's on Sunday but hanging out a a girls night on Sunday night.
Then the 21st and 22nd.... Hmmm. I don't think I have anything yet for that weekend. WOW! That's interesting! :)

I'm looking forward to this month. I do well when I'm busy and with the weather nice, so put them together and I should really have lots of fun. I'm looking forward to it. Lots of new people and new experiences.

Summer is coming soon! :)

Ok time to hop in the shower and get this day going, now that it is already half over, but MAN did it feel good to sleep in today!

Now what?

For so many months, my life has been completely about the marathon.

It was about the training; do I have enough time to get in the mileage I need, am I training enough for the hills, what about the long runs, or the recovery runs, am I doing enough or too much cross training, how often should I do yoga and stretching, am I going to get in all the training I need.

It was about my nutrition; was I eating enough, was I eating the right foods, was I eating the right combination of foods, was I getting enough calories in, was I burning too much, was I able to maintain the right weight for this marathon.

It was about my fund raising; was I going to raise the minimum about required of $5000 or would they charge me for whatever I was short, was I going to let the Mass Eye and Ear Team down by not meeting their requested amount of $6000, was it possible to actually make my fund raising goal of $7000.

It was about my overall health and injuries; how long would the stomach bug I got last, what about the ear infection and sinus infection, how was my IT band holding up, were my knees ok, what about my upper back from last year, how bad was the Sacroiliac Joint injury I had, what did I need to do for treatment, how long would it take to recover, would it keep me from starting in Hopkinton, would it hold me back from finishing.

This has been my focus for the past 4 months of my life! Now the marathon is done. I'm almost recovered, minus a few minor bruises on my feet that only hurt when I am walking or have shoes on (nice excuse to be lazy on the sofa right now!) :)

I can't believe the whole thing is really done. I did it. I ran in The Boston Marathon as an official runner and I crossed that finish line in Boston! HOLY CRAP! I did it!

I'm proud of me. Honestly though, I'm not proud of the time. It took me WAY too long to finish. Originally I was hoping to break 4 1/2 hours. My official time was 5:43:36. That's not even close to breaking 4 1/2! But I need to give myself a break and remember the injury. I mean, my sacroiliac joint was so bad, my hip was so misaligned, that the length of my legs appeared to be off by an inch! That's crazy! It wasn't until one week before the marathon that they were finally even!

So that really did hold me back in my training. I remember feeling my back go, really just go, when I was on the treadmill on Tuesday, March 1st. From then until the marathon, 7 weeks, the only real running I got in was at 3 different 5K races. That's it. 7 weeks, 9.3 miles of running... NOT even! Two of those races, I couldn't even run, my back was so bad!

So I was just recovering from an injury and didn't really run for 7 weeks... THEN went into Boston. So finishing in 5:43:36 under those circumstances really isn't too bad. I wanted better, but I was afraid I wasn't even going to be able to start! And I was afraid that I would have had to drop out.

Running for a fund raising group too added extra pressure. I felt like I was going to let everyone down if I couldn't do it. I had hyped this up so much and I was so scared I couldn't do it and it would all come crashing down.

I am proud. I overcame the injury. I overcame being under trained. I took the bus, went to Hopkinton and started in the marathon after raising over $7000 and I made my way 26.2 miles to the finish, where I crossed with my arms up over my head in triumph!

I am so happy for the experience and the unbelievable support I received. I am going to have to print my facebook wall with all the comments opened up to save them. The comments people gave were great. The support, encouragement and positive energy I got from everyone was amazing. It was touching and inspiring!

I am really grateful for the experience. I still can't believe I did it!

36 hours?

Holy crap! Right now it is 10:30pm on Saturday night. I am in the third wave on Monday, that starts at 10:40am. 36 hours until I start?? OMG!

I went into Boston today to the runner's expo and picked up my bib # and the race packet. I am runner # 24820. WOW! This is real! I have the number and everything. I filled out the back with emergency contact, parents, and their phone number. And it also asked for my pre-race weight. I guess that makes sense. If there is a medical emergency, what did I weigh before starting to run and with all that sweating and whatnot, I could lose 2-3 pounds running. Been trying to carb up the past few days. Cereal today along with Couscous tonight, plus all the freebie carb snacks all day at the expo. I was WIRED! Then I crashed pretty hard. Toss in sensory overload as well from everything that was going on.

But here is the official bib #!!!



I got my official marathon jersey too! My friend Jill snapped this one of me after I tried on the jersey and held up the bib # at the expo. Do I look excited at all? :) Funny, because I even look like a runner in this picture! Not really sure when that one happened!



I got a little bit of low down from my friends. They have a whole thing planned and mapped out for Monday! :) I got an email on Facebook that summarized their plans:
Kristin, Jill and Jen are going to take thee commuter Rail to W. NAtick to cheer at mile 8. Julie's ETA is between 12:30-1 Trevor and Carrie are going to take Green D Line to Woodland mile 16ish. Jule eta 2-3:00. Kristin, Jill and Carrie are going to go to Brookline/Fenway mile 25 where we are going to attempt to meet Trevor and Carrie. Lisa and Karen please let us know where you want to Join in the fun.

How cool is that??? And they were keeping it a secret from me that they had this whole thing planned out! I love it! I'm just so touched that they are doing this for me. I'm grateful that they told me in advance! I know my emotions are going to be raw from the marathon itself. If I ended up seeing that many friends and not expecting it? I'd be bawling! LOL! So I'm glad I know.

But honestly, I don't know if I have ever been this scared for anything in my entire life. I am absolutely terrified about Monday. TERRIFIED! I am so scared for this. I don't know what to expect. I know I am under trained. My back is better, but I am so scared that it will start hurting and act up while I'm in the race. I'm just so scared of everything! What if I am so sore, I have to stop? What if mentally, I just can't handle it? What if, what if? I just don't know. I am SO scared! SO scared.

I started packing a bag for Monday but I have no idea what I really want. I just keep adding to it! I don't know what I really want in that bag. I'll be going through it another 5 times. What do I want to bring to Hopkinton with me? What do I want checked for the finish line? What am I wearing? What am I bringing with me? Am I wearing a jacket with pockets? Will I bring a camera? Or my phone? Do I want my IPod? What about snacks and Advil? How many layers will I wear? What am I wearing over my running clothes to keep me warm when I get on the T just after 6am? SO many questions I just can't answer yet.

I am doing my best to just go into it with the mindset to have fun and enjoy the experience. That's kind of why I want to bring either my phone or my camera. I want to capture the moments. And others have said that too. So I want to enjoy what I am doing, live in the moment, and have fun. If I finish, that's a HUGE success. But I raised over $7000 and passed my fund raising goal. I will make it to Hopkinton on that bus and I will cross the start line with close to 30,000 other people in the marathon. This WILL be an experience I will never ever forget.

SO I need to enjoy it! Have fun with it and be in the moment. Whatever I do, however long it takes, as long as I am not in too much pain and as long as I am not making my back injury worse, I want to make it to Boston.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed and I want to have fun on Monday! :)

Amazing Friends

Earlier tonight when I last wrote, I was talking about the great group of friends I have and how glad I am I have them in my life. Even more proved that to me today.

I went to the pool and swam for a while with a few friends tonight. My friend Jen was there too. I knew Jen was planning on going to the marathon, but that's all I knew. I didn't know who she was going with or anything else. Well, tonight I found out more info. She got a whole group together! I'm still not even sure exactly who's going but she named off a whole bunch of my friends! I'm SO excited!

I think it is SO cool that they are doing this and will be there to support me. It was really hard for me to ask for people to be out there for me. I wasn't expecting a whole lot from everyone, but it is kind of a big deal and I want to have people there. So knowing that I do have people there for me is amazing!

And they were sort of keeping it from me a little... to surprise me. I'm glad I know. I don't know if I'd be emotionally ok if I saw that in the race. I'd be so raw from running, then to have a group of friends I wasn't expecting to just show up might be a lot to handle! The last thing I'd want to do is start crying during the race! And that could STILL happened! Who knows! :)

I'm just REALLY happy that they are going and that they will be there to support me. I feel really lucky to have a group of friends I love and who are just on my side. It is such a cool feeling.

Today was my Friday. It was INSANE at work today... everything came in now that I'm off until next Thursday. And I have had a headache the entire week again. It was not fun. But the day went fast, I survived and now I'm off for almost a week.

The marathon is in 4 days. WOW! And I have officially passed my goal. As of today, my total fund raising was $7040.75! WOW! I'm so excited and proud of that total. I am just touched by the generosity I have seen. It has been amazing.

I'm scared about running.... well, running/walking. We'll see. And watching Channel 4 news, they are going NUTS about the marathon coverage. It is a bit overwhelming seeing all it again and again, knowing I'm not fully trained and still recovering from my back injury. But I am going to do what I can do and make it across the finish line.

Life in general is going well. The weather is getting warmer and Spring feels like it is finally here. I have the windows open and getting fresh air in the house. I'm looking forward to all the fun Spring things that are coming, including starting up the Couch to 5K with my fitness group... I have 35 people going! Holy cow! That's a bit overwhelming!

Besides the running group, I'm starting up a new session of dance lessons tomorrow night and in a few weeks golf lessons will start too. I'm really looking forward to that. Last night I signed up for 5 more 5K's in May and June and started looking into fall races. I found a couple of 1/2 marathons I might do in October and November that look good. My friends will be joining me, so that'll be fun.

And speaking of my friends, I am SO happy I found this group! They are just GREAT people. I feel so lucky to have them. We have so much in common and the understand where I am at in my life. They are just so supportive of everything... the stuff with the dating situation, training for the marathon, everything. Some of the emails I get are too funny and really do make me Laugh Out Loud! :)

We are going to be doing a Girl's Night. I got an email from a small theater who has a show called Girl's Night, The Musical. I guess its basically a sing-a-long with lots of fun songs about 5 friends. I'm trying to get the whole group to go which is 7 or 8 of us. I know it will be something different and fun to do.

So all an all, life is good. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm nervous about the marathon. I'm still off from the whole dating thing. But its almost summer, I'm busy and I have great people around me who help lift me up to where I want to be. It has taken me a really long time for me to get to this point in my life and I'm really happy about it.

I keep getting more and more support and donations for the marathon. Got another one tonight plus an email asking if it was too late. After my company match, I'm under $75 from my fund raising goal of $7000! I cannot believe the generosity of everyone. It is just insane.

I NEVER thought $7000 was a real possibility! But holy crap! Only 6 days away and I'm under $75 from it? Really? WOW! That's amazing.

Work is going ok, but still has been pretty quiet. I'm looking forward to having Friday off. I haven't been sleeping well lately. I just want to sleep until I wake up on Friday.

My back is getting a little better finally. That's a HUGE deal. I feel good and I'm happy with that. Stretching is a big deal and has really helped. I just need to keep up with that.

I went back on Match. Now that the weather is getting better, I don't think people are looking as much. I don't know. Maybe its me. Maybe I'm not interested in looking right now. I'm still sad. I'm just not ready to jump into something else. I can't go right back into another thing right away. I know what I want. I know what I found and what I lost and I don't want to settle for less.

The marathon is in 6 days. A week after that I have my Couch to 5K running group starting up and 35 people have already signed up for it. WOW! That's a lot of people! I know I'll be really busy during the week. May is going to be insane. I'll be at the track Mondays and Wednesdays, have golf on Tuesdays, swimming on Thursdays and dance lessons on Fridays. WOW. Dating would be tough anyway.

I'm sure if I had the right person in my life I would make time and work around my crazy schedule. But without someone specific around, I'm not going to go out looking. It just isn't worth it.

But I'm excited for the marathon. One of my friends is getting a group together to see me on the route and I'm giving her a little "care package" for me! :) If she's in 2 places, then I'll have 2 for her. A water, Gatorade, Advil, jelly beans and ice pack (the kind you pop to use... my chiro gave me a few). That will really help me get through the day. I'm so glad I know that I'll have people along the route supporting me and cheering me on.

And I'm glad the Couch to 5K is starting up again. I'll get to hang out with my friends at the track more regularly. I am so lucky that I found this group of friends. I have SO much fun with them. They really are great people.

I found a show online call "Girls Night The Musical" and I'm pretty sure we are making it a girls night. I emailed the group... there are 7 of us. So far most are in, we are just trying to nail down a date. I think we have it between 2 nights. I'm excited! :) Should be SO much fun!

It took a really long time, but I think I finally found my niche down here on the south shore. I have my fitness group that is SUCH a huge part of my life now. I love the group and love trying all of the new things we do. I have made some great friends down here through that. I am the healthiest I have been since I was in my early 20's. I have some bumps along the road, some bigger than others, but I do what I have to do to get me back on course.

I think overall things are really good for me. Some days are easier in life than others and the past few weeks have really been tough for me to get through. But I know I'm a survivor. I know I will come through stronger. And I really believe that things will work out for me as they are supposed to. Yeah, some days just SUCK and I want to know the why. But when time passes and I look back, it always makes sense and that clarity is there.

I'm still in the why stage with this relationship not working out. As bad as the email was that I received last week, I know him and I know that wasn't his intent. I know he wouldn't intentionally be mean, rude, hurtful or disrespectful, no matter how that email actually read. And it really did read THAT bad. The very few people I told about the email... their jaws literally dropped at how bad it was. But again, I know it wasn't the intent and I can see past that.

I'm still disappointed that he couldn't give things another chance. I know he forgives me and I have been able to forgive myself. I know I was going through a lot... that medication REALLY messed me up fast. But I also know that I have given so many people in my past second chances. He couldn't do that. I respect that. I don't understand it or agree with it, but I respect that.

With my past and as I said, things always work out. If this is a relationship that I am supposed to have in my life, then something will happen to bring him back into it. But right now, it just isn't in the cards. I get that. And I am SO glad I have so much going on that I won't need to sit and think. That's the bad time for me. Thinking. Not good.

But now I think I need to try to go to bed. Almost 11:30 and with me not sleeping for DAYS, I need one good night. Tomorrow should be a busy day at work, which is really nice. Lots going on.

Life is good. I'm trying to focus on the positives and see the great things I have. I know overall I'm lucky. Things are more good than they are not so that right there is a good thing. The warmer weather is starting and April is almost 1/2 over! Summer is just around the corner. I know I'll be ok. :)

To quote my favorite song, each day....

I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger

Being Lazy

Last night I had SO much fun going out for dinner with a friend of mine. I love this restaurant. I've been there once before and the food is just amazing. It really isn't all that expensive. I think for 5 glasses of wine, a app, a salad, 2 meals and 2 desserts, the bill was about $90. That's not that bad. Worked out well that I had a $25 gift card there. I might need to get another one! (restaurant.com, I spent $3 for a $25 gift certificate!)

But now.. 8:11am, I'm on the sofa in pj's, drinking my coffee. I am supposed to meet people at 9am for the 5k I'm doing today. I haven't showered and haven't started to get anything together yet. I'm just not motivated to move yet. I just want to be lazy!

But I need to get my butt in gear. I know I won't be awake and won't be moving if I don't shower so that is a MUST for me right now. And seeing as I should leave by 8:45? Um, yeah, a 1/2 hour to shower, get ready, get everything together and leave for a road race when I haven't pulled out anything to wear yet? Nothing like waiting until the last minute. Coffee needs to start kicking in.

But last night was fun. And today will be fun, especially the post party. I have a great group of friends going too. I'm excited to hang out with them.


As far as dating. I don't know. I'm not loving this website. The free thing brings out the FREAKS. Do people forget that they emailed me 2 days ago and I didn't answer then? Whatever. I think I might need to take some time off and that jumping back into it wasn't he best choice for me. I don't think I'm ready to give someone else a chance right now. I was hurt, disappointed and let down and now my guard is up and I don't know if I can trust right now. That's not fair to someone. The attention is nice and I needed the ego boost.

The emails I'm getting as sad and are purely based on my pictures. I did need that. All these guys find me attractive. Great. But I'm not ready to date anyone. I'm not ready to let anyone in right now.

So I am going to have to let date one from yesterday know that he's a nice guy, but its a no go right now for me. I'm just not there.

Oh well..

Ok ,8:17 now.. I HAVE to move!

Change of plans

Date one was ok. He was nice enough but no sparks and really not sure I'm interested in a second one. I know he is... he already texted me. OH well. We'll see how I feel in the morning.

And I was having mixed thoughts about date 2. Not loving the idea of driving up to 45 minutes to meet a guy I don't know for dinner on a Saturday night. That's a LONG time for a first date!

I sent a message to a friend of mine that I was thinking of canceling date 2. Well, I did and now her and I are going out for dinner instead! :) Happy with that! I'll have more fun hanging out with her anyway. And I have to get up early anyway for the race in the morning.

URGH! Date #2 is calling right now. Not answering it. :( I sent him a text to reschedule saying my plans today are running longer than I expected. And he calls me? Oh well. Yeah, if I'm annoyed already, then I know I'm just not that into him.

As much as I want to jump right back into the game, I don't think I'm ready. Unless its a great guy. The last one, granted his nasty and disrespectful email, but that aside, he was a great guy. We had a really good thing and he had all the qualities I was looking for in someone. That's going to be hard to find again and I know I'll be thinking about him and comparing others to him and that's not fair.

I did today. Date 1. He was a nice guy, very sweet. He's not stable in his life and just young. There's nothing wrong with being young but I want someone who emotionally is stable. This guy wasn't.

And then while we were out, a song came on at the bar that reminded me of the last guy. It was hard to focus on the conversation at that point. A song I love that came on SO many times while I was out with the last one.. he made fun of me for it because I would always sing it. So I started thinking of him but refused to sing to the music. :( Made me sad.

SO I came home and re-read the nasty email to remind me of how rude and disrespectful he was in his final email. That helped snap me out of it a bit. But its still sad. It really was something good and could have been something great. I thought it was really going to be. But it wasn't. And I'm letting it go. Slowly.

Filled with Drama

Been an interesting few weeks for me. Hopefully I have put all of that behind me and thing can start moving in a different direction now. Too many ups and downs for me.

Yesterday my five year old phone completely died. Well, I could still make a call, but the screen was dead, so no texting, no viewing my contact list or knowing how to call my friends who's numbers I don't know! NOT good.

After I put on facebook that my phone died, one of my friends posted:
You are just filled with drama this week. Hopefully next week will be drama free.

With all the trying to move on myself, getting the nasty, rude, disrespectful email (SO horrible!), and then my phone? WOW! It was NUTS. I'm glad to be done with all of that!

But last night I got a new phone, finally moved into this decade with a smartphone. A pretty basic smartphone as far as they go, but I'm not huge into technology so I don't need and won't use all the bells ans whistles. Stupid for me to go there when I barely even send text messages! Of course now that I am sending a few right now? I can't hit the damn buttons right on the touch screen! LOL!

Last night was funny. I couldn't figure out how to make phone call to call someone back! I was driving and going to get on the highway. I just had to give up and put the phone down. I couldn't figure it out and it was too hard to do driving!

But otherwise things are good. Phone now works and I'm slowly getting used to it. Right now my back is feeling ok (on a heating pad as I am typing and planning on some more stretching in a bit). Tomorrow is a 5K with a huge after party that I'm really looking forward to. Should be SO much fun!

AND.. after jumping back into it, trying to get over everything, even before the nasty email, I had already gone back on an old dating website. This week I have been emailing a few different people. Well today? I have 2 dates lined up! Yup! Two dates in one day! :) The first is out for drinks. Meeting him near my house around 2pm. The second is for dinner at 7pm. I know the 2pm guy has to pick up his brother at either 4 or 4:30, so I know I'll have time to go home and relax before leaving for date 2.

Still on that site and earlier I was emailing a few other people. Not to mention another ex is texting me today (I can't tell you how many times I have accidentally sent a one letter text while I'm getting used to this friggin phone!)

So bad drama crap is all over. Time to look ahead and get back to being positive and happy. The weather is getting better, the sun is shining and life is good! :) Lets hope it all stays that way!

There is moving on, then there is being angry

Yesterday I wrote how I got an answer. It wasn't the way I was expecting an answer. I had been told I would actually get an answer. Instead I found the answer on my own. I'm glad that happened. I'm glad I was prepared when I actually did get an answer today.

I'm glad I had already been doing what I need to do to move on. I'm glad that I have already been asked on 2 dates for this weekend. I'm glad I was already feeling better about myself with keeping busy and support and encouragement from some friends.

Today I got an actual answer. This was an answer that came in a way I was expecting. I got an email. Again, I had already accepted everything and was already closing the door and moving on. This? After getting this email? I'm slammed that f'ing door shut, bolting it and covering it up in 5 layers of bricks. WOW.

I can honestly say I am not sure if I have ever been that disrespected before in my life. That was one of the most insulting emails I have ever received. If I was a little angry yesterday, now I'm pissed. If not receiving an answer when I was told I would get one says something a person's character, the emailed answer I received today says even more.

As much as I want to lash out, I'm not, at least not right now. I want to take back my apology for questioning his character. I wasn't wrong. I know that now. After this email, THAT says even more about his character than anything else that has happened. It speaks VOLUMES about him.

I put everything I had and everything I knew into trying to fix this and make this work. But it didn't happen. And after this email, I am SO grateful that it didn't. I don't want to be with someone who thinks that kind of email is an acceptable way to stay true to your word and true to your character. And I really think that he thought this was a nice email. I really do. I think if I did ask him if he thought there was anything wrong with what he said, that he would know how insulting and disrespectful it really was.

I am blown away by the level of disgust I am feeling right now for someone I was begging the universe to give me another chance with. I am SO grateful that I was given the chance to see who he really is. He is an unforgiving, selfish, disrespectful asshole.

I am so grateful I was given the chance to find this out. Now I know that I really can move on and feel good about who I am.

Got my answer....

I got my answer, but not the way I thought I would get it. That was really disappointing. The way the whole thing ended up, the promise that I would have an answer, and finding out that this person was not true to their word... and as far as I'm concerned, that speaks to character. I'm angry about it.

But I got the closure I wanted and needed and now I am ready to move on. And I am doing what I need to do for me to move on. I'm keeping busy, being active. Monday night was tough. That was a really hard night for me overall. Last night was swimming with a good friend and tonight I met a few friends at the track. Tomorrow is swimming and I have plans Friday night too.

SO right now I just need to worry about Saturday. Sunday I'm busy already, so that's good, and next week I think I have plans every night... but by then I'll be fine anyway. I just need to get through Saturday. And I have absolutely NOTHING going on for Saturday. I'm thinking I need to have a date on Saturday night, but seeing as today is Wednesday, that might be tough.

But I need a distraction to keep me going and get my mind completely off of all the crap, all the hurt and all the bs that has gone on over the past 2 weeks. And there has been A LOT of it.

So I need to find that distraction that will work for me.

D Day?

I have a pretty strong feeling that today is the day I'll get my answer. I will most likely find out tonight, after work. That scares me so much. But I am still VERY hopeful. We'll just see how tonight goes.

I just realized I never did a March review or goals for April. Hmmm... Already a few days in, but better late than never.

My goals for March? How did I do?

1. Keep up with the spending journal. Nope. I stopped with that. But I did get lots out of it for 2 months. I'm glad I had done it, but it is SO much work to continue with it. At least I am a lot more aware of where my money is going.

2. Continue with the gratitude journal. Yes, I did that one. Not every single day, but most. And I am really glad I did that. Want to keep that one going.

3. Be consistent with the marathon training. HA HA HA! NO! My back problems KILLED that one.

4. Pick a positive affirmation to reflect on. Nope, didn't do that one either.


With all of my back issues, plus loads of personal issues, the medication change that made me nuts, I just had SO many other things going on. Too much to focus on.


So for April? What do I want to do that is healthy and positive?

1. Continue with the gratitude journal.

2. Stretch daily for at least 5-10 minutes. So far I have been pretty good with that. I can't remember if I did on Friday (April 1st) but I know I did on Saturday and Sunday, so at least I have only missed one day so far. It helps me and my back.

3. I'm not sure how to word this one. Kind of reflect and think before acting and also recognizing my impatience. I know in general I am prone to impatience, plus toss in ADD. Impatience is a HUGE part of that. SO I want to recognize that and see what I notice with it. Not so much to really do a whole lot other than try to notice and realize.

SO that's it. That's my April plan. We'll see how it goes.

Two weeks to the marathon, my back hurts, I'm seeing the chiro today. I have great friends, a huge supportive family and I'm still waiting for an answer that is a really really big deal to me!

Clock is still ticking...

... And I'm still watching it. I feel ok right now with everything that has happened. I don't love that I am still waiting for an answer. But I know one will come. That I am sure of. Because I am still waiting, I am still hopeful that there is a chance for things to turn out the way I want them to. I am hopefully optimistic. But still waiting.

The longer the wait, the more hopeful I am, which is weird. But I'm not getting a no as an answer. That alone is good news for me.

OH PAUSE!!! TOBY IS ON THE COUNTRY MUSIC AWARDS!!!! HOLD PLEASE!


Ok, SO glad I watched that. WOW! Talk about funny. A new song I haven't heard yet. Somewhere Else. Here are the lyrics:

Toby Keith – Somewhere Else Lyrics

I walk downtown in my broke down shoes
To the side street pub with the bar band blues
Take a backseat at the front door table
Order me a Bud and a shot of Black Label

Closed this place down once again
Sitting here wishing you’d walk right in
Down my shot, shoot my beer
I ain’t gotta go home but I can’t stay here

It’s a short, short walk down to my second home
But that boulevard gets longer when you’re walking back alone

And I don’t know where you might be
Wherever it is, it will be without me
I keep thinking I’ll come home
One day and find you

Long as I got that neon light
Shining like a beacon in the night
I know I can make it downtown by myself
‘Cause if you don’t know where you’re going
You might end up somewhere else

Kicking off my shoes, tumbling through the front door
Knowing too well the kind of night I’m in for
Cubs got beat again on Sports Center
My bedroom’s cold as my TV dinner

One more cigarette and I’ll kill the light
And only be wishing you were sleeping at my side

And I don’t know where you might be
Wherever it is, it will be without me
I keep thinking I’ll come home
One day and find you

Long as I got that front porch light
Shining like a beacon in the night
I know I can make it home all by myself
‘Cause if you don’t know where you’re going
You might end up somewhere else

Girl, I don’t know where you might be
Wherever it is, it will be without me
Keep thinking I’ll come home
One day and find you

Long as I got that front porch light
Shining like a beacon in the night
I know I can make it home all by myself
‘Cause if you don’t know where you’re going
You might end up somewhere else

Ah, somewhere else
You might end up somewhere else
Somewhere else
Hey

*************************************************************************************

Interesting that now I hear a song with those lyrics. But I have to say, I love the line "'Cause if you don't know where you're going you might end up somewhere else" I love that. Cool.

Well, today was a very long day, a race, a bad back, ,and a very very long time in a car. I'm exhausted and it isn't even 8:30 yet. Trying to stay awake so I don't fall asleep too early and end up waking up in the middle of the night. I'm just TIRED.