And still waiting....

I took the advice my friend gave my yesterday. It was so much to think about. But I put it out there and asked for a sign. I wanted to know.

I believe in signs. For so many years, whenever I asked for a sign or really asked for help, I got an answer. I very clear, you can't miss it sign. Going back over 10 years now!
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Many years ago, I remember being very distraught. I was home alone, on my sofa, crying- sobbing. I kept repeating over and over, "Oh my God! What am I going to do?" I felt like the world was crashing down and I didn't know what way to turn. Life felt unbearable.

All of a sudden, I heard a loud bang. My cats JUMPED off my sofa and when running. It sounded like someone threw a stick or something on my AC unit. I opened the blinds to look outside. Siting right on my AC unit were 2 gray morning doves. I looked up at the sky and said, "thank you". And I knew right then that everything was going to be ok.
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Several years later, my grandfather passed away. As my cousin and I were locked arm and arm, crossing the street from the funeral home to the church for his funeral mass, there was someone standing on the sidewalk playing Amazing Grace on a bagpipe. It was then that I sent a silent message to my grandfather. I wanted to know he was ok. I wanted him to send me a message that he was ok.

About a week or 2 later I was out at a bar listening to a favorite local rock band play. It was about midnight, not in March, not near St. Patty's Day, when the local police auxiliary group was there, stopping the band mid set. They were out with the bagpipes, playing Irish music with Irish step dancers. Strange in that setting, but kind of cool. Then the dancers stopped. The men with the bagpipes changed their song. There in the middle of that smokey crowded bar, they started playing Amazing Grace. I heard my grandfather's message loud and clear and I knew he was ok.
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Last fall I heard that an old friend's father had passed away. Her and I had been best of friends throughout high school and beyond. I had spent so much time at their home, and on their family vacations. I had even sent my "other" mom and dad Christmas cards, plus a congrats card when they were first going to be grandparents

But my friend and I were only Facebook friends at this point last summer. We had lost touch and hadn't seen each other in over 5 years. I didn't want to make things difficult or anything, but I wanted to show my respect and support for this family that I had loved so much. I just wasn't sure. So many people told me to send a card and be done with it. I hadn't seen her in over 5 years and shouldn't go. But I still wasn't sure.

One day I was driving to my parents house, the day before the wake. I put it out that I wanted a sign if I should go, but this time, OH was I specific! I wanted to hear the song, I'll Be There For You, the Friend's theme song. It had been sort of joke with my friend and me about that song being "our song". And really, when did you hear that song on the radio?

Well, driving the rest of the way to my parent's house, I had my radio blasting.. still blasting when I shut off my car. When I left hours later and turned my car on, I couldn't believe how loud the radio was. What song was BLARING out at me when I started my car to go home? I'll Be There For You, the Friend's theme song. I got the message. I went to the wake the next day.

A few weeks later through email, I told my friend that story. She said she knew that was her dad.
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So I believe in signs. I believe that if you ask for a sign, the universe will deliver and be clear, if you are willing to hear and to listen.

Today I asked for a sign. If I was to NOT take my friend's advice, I wanted to hear Garth Brook's song, Thank God For Unanswered Prayers. If I heard that, I knew I needed to let go and stop hoping for something to happen.

But I asked for a second sign. A sign to know that I was supposed to take my friend's advice. The advice she gave after I answered her question, "what do you feel in your heart?" I didn't know what song I wanted to hear, but I wanted something that would make it clear. Something I could recognize instantly as being a sign and know what to do.

The question that started this, the question my friend asked, "What do you feel in your heart?" I wanted to know if I should take her advice after I gave her my true answer.

Sitting at work an hour or 2 later, I heard a song come on the radio, not a song that commonly plays. And old song from back in the day, by Roxette. Listen To Your Heart. And part of the lyrics? "Listen to you heart before you tell him goodbye".

As absolutely terrified as I was today, I took my friends advice after hearing that song and did what she suggested. And I listened to my heart as well. I don't know if I have ever been as nervous as I was today. Nervous, scared, shamed. I felt sick I was so scared and nervous. But I took the advice.

And now? I'm still waiting. I still don't know how things are going to turn out. But I know now that I have done absolutely every possible thing I can do to try to right a wrong. I have more hope today than I did yesterday. But even still, if this can't be fixed, I now know I can move on.

I never would have done this on my own. Someone else told me NOT to do what I did, to NOT take that advice. But I know what would have happened if I didn't do it. Nothing. Nothing at all. I got that answer at least. But now? I still don't know what will happen, not at all. But I know for sure that I WILL have an answer. And I have the slightest bit of hope. Slight. But hope is there.

So now I keep waiting and continue to hope. After the signs I got, I am more hopeful than before. I trust that the right outcome will happen. I trust that what is meant to be will be.

But I still hope.

And I still wait.

Waiting?

I didn't hear anything today if my apology has been accepted or not, or if I have been forgiven. I am doing much better and accepting things better, but I'm still waiting. Now I have more decisions to make.

I got some pretty cool advice from a friend of mine today. She asked me one question about how I really feel in my heart. I gave her a true heartfelt answer about what was and is in my heart. Then she gave me advice. Something I hadn't considered. So I'm thinking about it. Tomorrow will be decision day.

Do I take the advice or do I give up and let go? I'm still thinking. I don't know. I'm kind of leaning on taking the advice right now. But I'm honestly scared. Really scared. But I really think she's right. I really do. So I'm thinking about it and sleeping on it.


On another note, I find it very interesting that when I think I'm close to making a decision, I get slammed with something else. Like a text message from someone I haven't heard from in over a year. Not sure why that happens, but it does. To me anyway. Made me laugh. :)

But right now.... I'm still waiting and hoping. Tomorrow I make my decision. Nothing will happen until after work, if I decide to take the advice. So I still have all day tomorrow to sit. And wait. And hope.

Offering an Apology vs Forgiving

I had done something that I later realized was wrong. I reacted to something I shouldn’t have and reacted poorly. I caused hurt and damaged a relationship. At this point, I’m still not sure how much damage I caused. I don’t know if this is something that can be fixed or not.

The Merriam Webster online dictionary defines an apology as “an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret.” I know I was wrong. I know I caused hurt. I admitted that and apologized and asked for forgiveness. I put myself out there on the line. I laid it all out.

If what I did causes this relationship to be damaged beyond the point of repairing it, now I know I did absolutely everything I could to try to fix it. I can’t change anything else and now it is out of my hands.

The Merriam Webster online dictionary defines forgiving as well. That definition is “allows room for error or weakness”. That is what I am asking for. I am asking for forgiveness. I know I was wrong.

But the thing with an apology, with asking for forgiveness, all you can do is put it out there. You can ask. It is the OFFER of an apology. You can give that apology with full sincerity. You can wish you could change thing. You can accept full responsibility for your actions. You can be full of regret. You can give that heartfelt apology. And that’s the end of your part. You give that. You give that, offer that, to the person you wronged. And that’s all you do. Except wait. And hope.

The forgiveness? That’s not up to you. Even if your apology is accepted, that isn’t up to you. You can offer it, but you have no control or no right to decide what happens next. That is up to the person you wronged. If they can accept the apology, if they WANT to accept that apology, that is completely their call. And even if they do accept the apology, that doesn’t mean forgiveness follows. They are different.

So now? I know I was wrong. I offered the best apology I could give, heartfelt, sincere, full of remorse without placing blame anywhere but on me. I was wrong and that’s that. And now… I wait. I hope. But I accept that what is, is. I cannot change anything else. I cannot force my apology to be accepted. I cannot force forgiveness be given to me.

I wait. I hope. And I let go. And I know that it is my fault. If my apology is not accepted and if I am not given forgiveness, I will know that it is my fault. My actions caused these consequences and I have to live with that. I will just have to find a way to live with that.

Waiting & Changes

I only took that medication for 3 days. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. I'm not sure if it was the medication or life, but what a difference a week makes. I'm not as sad as I was Tuesday and Wednesday, but I'm not back to myself yet. I think that is more because of other things going on too.

When I thought I was intuitive and when I thought all of these things were wrong, now I don't know if it was me for real, or if it was that medication that had me seeing, thinking and feeling things differently. I reacted based on how I felt. But I don't trust how I felt now. I don't know if that was me or if it was the medication. And I don't know if my reaction really messed things up on me.

I made a choice to react based on how I felt. Now I don't know if how I felt was real. And I can't change the choice I made. I can't change the outcome of that. I can't take it back. And I don't know yet if how I felt was even real.

Even though I am pretty sure this medication is out of my system now, I'm still a little down because of this.. because of the issue this now caused, or didn't cause, I still don't know. I'm kind of in limbo just waiting. I can't do anything about it right now.

I don't know what is going to happen. I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring. I could have really screwed up a great thing for no reason at all, just me acting crazy. And that scares me. That really scares me.

And I hate that I have no control over this right now. I have to just sit and wait. I don't do well at waiting for anything! But that is all I can do. This is completely out of my hands right now. I can't do anything to change anything right now, expect to wait and not make anything worse.

I'm trying to be positive. I'm trying to be hopeful. I know that I trust in the universe. I know that I trust that I end up wherever I am supposed to end up. If things in my life should work out a certain way, then they do. If I am supposed to be somewhere, I will be there. If that is not the path I should be on, then I won't end up there, no matter how hard I try to get there... it won't work.

Right now I am handing this over to the universe. Whatever I want, whatever I can hope for is out of my hands. I know what I want. I know what I hope. I know how I want this to be. I put that out there. I put that thought, my wishes, out there to the universe to hear. If that is how things are supposed to be, then that is how they will be.

To this point, outside of my crazy-town issues this week, the universe has really listened when I put things out there, at least in the past few months. I appreciate that and I really like the path my life has been on. I am overall happy with things in my life. I have worked really hard to get where I am. I have pushed myself and made big changes in my life over the past few years.

I have great people in my life now. I have ended several unhealthy relationships which were bringing me down and that made room for some amazing new friendships I have in my life. I love my friends! My new and old friends who I have now are great people who I cherish so much. I am so blessed for having all of them and all of their support.

I am trying to really focus on those positives as well as all of the other positives in my life. Earlier in the week I threw a pretty big pity party for myself. Even I was sick of it.. not sure how some of my friends were able to deal with me that much! But I'm over that and I'm over that drama. Time to move on from it wherever it goes.

Again, I know where I want things to be and I know how I want things to work out. Unfortunately I can just sit and wait right now to see what happens and to see if things do end up that way. I am putting my hopes out to the universe that things work out the way I want them to. I want to go back to one week ago and I want all of that again. I want to erase this past week. I know I can't erase it, but I want to mend the breaks and recover what I could have lost, what I thought I lost. But I do have hope. I have more hope now than before.

I am very hopeful to move forward and have this end up stronger than before. I hope. And I hope the universe hears this and wants this for me too and makes this all happen.

In the mean time... I wait. I sit and wait.

Running didn't help last night. My back was so sore. I only got in 1/4 mile running, then had to walk. As I was leaving, one friend asked me if I was ok. That was enough to just push me over the edge. My eyes filled up with tears that I had to fight back.

This morning I didn't take that medication, but the levels were so high in it, that it might take few days to clear out. Plus I have a few other things going on too which are making it even harder.

Toss it all together, I'm not where I want to be right now. I'm just sad and down. I hope I'm wrong with everything I'm feeling. I hate that I am as intuitive as I am, but unfortuately I am usually right when I think something is up. Right now, I think something is up. I want to be wrong. I hope I'm wrong. I'm wishing I'm wrong. And I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'm wrong. But I don't think I'm wrong.

I hope things in my life can get back to where they were. I hope emotionally I get back to where I was. I want my back to get better and I want everything to be ok. I want to be happy again.

I am going to need to focus on all the good things I have going for me, that can be hard to see right now. I'm just sad.

I'm sure soon I will get back to me. I'll be my chipper, smiling, fun, outgoing self again. It might not be until next week right now. I might need the weekend to get myself there again.

Just a few days

I started a new prescription on Sunday morning, just before I last wrote. I was in such a great mood that morning. Life was wonderful. Then that prescription kicked in. Today was the third and I have decided FINAL day on this. I have been miserable ALL week!

I'm on the verge of tears for absolutely no reason. I am depressed, upset, sad, cranky, moody, snappy and just overall miserable. I went online and read some comments about side effects of this. Crazy mood swings and depression were 2 of the biggest ones. I am just so sad right now and I have no reason to be.

Three mornings ago I was so happy, on cloud nine. Life was wonderful. It was Spring and I was happy. Now I just want to cry. I don't know why. I have no reason to cry. But I want to.

I don't like feeling like this. I know it is really bad. I have to snap out of this and I don't know how. Tomorrow I am still supposed to be on this prescription. HELL NO! If I am this bad after only 3 days there is no way I am taking another one of these pills! This is just BAD!

I'm meeting friends at the track to go for a run. Now I need to get up off the sofa and change to head out. I have 15 minutes before I have to leave and be around people and be social and try to put on a happy face. I don't want to. I just want to curl up and cry.

Why am I feeling like this? Why am I so sad right now? I don't remember the last time I was this depressed, down, and just sad. I'm just really really sad.

I hope running helps. I hope not taking this pill tomorrow snaps me out of it!

Happy Spring, Happy Life and Happy New Beginings

I'm going to do my best to write in this more often. Hard when I still have the running/marathon training blog too.

My back is getting better from last week, although sadly cleaning yesterday pushed it back a little bit. Really, cleaning? Maybe I can use that as an excuse! LOL!

I did a MAJOR Spring cleaning in my house yesterday. Windows were open to air it out. I have several bags of trash to take out tonight. Vacuumed everything too. I went out last night and basically ran out of time, but the only things I didn't do were mop the kitchen and bathroom and clean the tub. Otherwise, EVERYTHING else in my house was done. Kind of nice to be in a super clean house right now. :)

And last night I had a great dinner out. I was supposed to take M (new guy) out for dinner for his bday to a steakhouse down the street from me. He met me at my house (a very specific reason yesterday was Spring cleaning day!) and it was the first time he saw my place. Then we went to go to the steakhouse. An hour and a half wait, with NO room to even order a drink at the bar!

So we left. We went a little down the street to this great little Italian restaurant I had wanted to try. LOVED it. The food was amazing and the atmosphere was great too. We did have a party of 8 next to us who were a little loud, but other than that, it was a great night. I think I have a restaurant.com gift certificate for them too, but both of my gift certificates were home. Oh well... an excuse to go back. Prices weren't bad either. An app, dessert, 2 meals and 6 drinks... with the tip I think I spent under $100. That's pretty good.

Weird right now. So many things in my life keep going really really, hmmm.. what word? Things are just right. Everything. Work is good. My house is good. My friends are good. My social life is good. My health is improving. My family relationships are good. Spring is here. The weather is getting better. I'm dating a great guy. Life is just really good. Even the marathon fund raising that I thought I couldn't do is good. So many things are just right. I'm happy and I'm content with life.

This is a new place for me. I don't have things to be stressed out about. I don't have much to worry about it. Yeah, I will always worry about money. That's just me. And the marathon is 4 weeks from tomorrow and I need to cross the finish line after 26.2 miles, so ok, that's in the back of my mind. But that's it. I don't have things really weighing me down. I don't have things keeping me up at night, giving me nightmares and making me sick to my stomach.

I'm not used to having so many things all go right at the same time. I don't generally get to experience this. But right now, life is really really good. I'm just happy. I smile all the time. I can't help it. I have so much more energy. I'm so much more positive. Everything feels like it is as it should be.

I love that I have made so many amazing friends in the past 2 years. They really are just great people. I have so much fun whenever I hang out with them and they just make me laugh. I love that. I love being happy and laughing. For so long I wanted that in my life, but had a really hard time finding it.

I've done a lot of work on myself in the past few years. I ended so many relationships and pushed out as much of the negative out of my life as possible. I had to make room for the good by pushing out the not so good and the things that weren't working for me. And now I'm here. Now I'm in such a great place!

It isn't like I'm scared of it, I'm not. I love it! And before, when things were good, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop to push me backwards and back to a not so good place. But I know I'm in this good place and I KNOW I'm not going anywhere. I know I'm staying here.

So it isn't fear. It's more of a confusion I guess. Hard to explain it. Because it is new, because feeling this happy and this content and this positive about life and the future, I am just in unfamiliar territory. This is all new. This is something I haven't really experienced before. The unfamiliarity of it, I guess is what it is. The confusion that comes with the unknown. Not a fear, not an insecurity, just an unknown and unfamiliar.

I'm trying to find my way in this. I'm positive and so hopeful and happy. Life is just incredible and I love it. Every day, I love it. I'm enjoying learning my way and trying to become familiar with being this happy with everything at once without fear in the way for the first time ever!

I remember just over a year ago, sitting on this same sofa I am on now. That day was a Sunday morning too. I was confused because I couldn't explain my mood. It was something different that I wasn't used to and I couldn't put my finger on what it was. It was unusual for me. Later that day as I was driving up to my parents house, it finally clicked! I was relaxed! I remember thinking how sad it was that I didn't recognize what feeling relaxed was like. I was always in such a state of stress and panic, that being relaxed was something so foreign to me.

But now, that's how I am in general. I am so much more relaxed in my everyday life. I don't let as many things get to me. I let so much more just roll off my back and be. I'm happier with everything in my life.

I know this will stay. I know I have so many new outlets and support systems in place to keep this for a long time to come. Yes, I know there will be ups and downs in life, as their always are. But my overall state of happiness and my overall state of where I am has just improved. I am in such a better place that when things do happen, I am so much better prepared to handle them and take the stress and the issues than I ever was before. I can handle the knocks better now. And I come out stronger for each and every one of them.

Today is the first day of Spring. This is a new season, a new beginning. Spring is the start of all that's fresh and new. The weather improves. The flowers start to grow. The trees begin budding. Life begins again.

I can't wait to see where this Spring takes me. I can't wait to see what roads I go down. I love the possibilities.

Happy Spring!

Wow, been a couple of weeks. Didn't realize it has been that long since I last wrote. Life has been busy and as always with me, full of ups and downs.

My back and my overall training is a down. I had pulled it with the 1/2 marathon but it got better. Then 2 weeks ago, I felt it go out while I was on the treadmill.

The next night I could barely walk on the treadmill, but I put in 1 hour and was on the verge of tears the whole time. It was getting better, although I could still feel it a little. Then this past Sunday I ran in a great and fun 5K. I had a personal best on my time... 32:30, and that was with a very crowded finish line where I needed to walk for a good 30 seconds. But I didn't push it and just went at a good steady pace. My friends watch said we hit mile 1 at 10:20 and my overall pace was 10:28, so it was pretty steady.

But that night, I couldn't walk. I couldn't walk in my own house. I had to hold on to things to get around. It hurt SO much. I'm better now, but still struggling. My training is suffering so much and I'm really scared about the marathon. Last night I walked for about an hour and a half with some friends and I was struggling. Right now I have the heating pan on to work it out a bit more.

Another not wonderful, I had a doctor's appointment on Friday just thinking I needed to change a prescription. Nope. She did an exam, took 3 things of blood for blood work and today I had an ultrasound. I won't get those results until Friday to find out what is going on with me and I am SO nervous.

A couple of the ups... First, I took my exam for work last week and on Friday I got an email that I passed! YAY! I was SO excited to have that done and over with! Well, until the next one. I'm grateful that is over with.

Another up, the guy I met, the date I had... I really like him. He's a really great guy and I'm really happy. So far things are going really great. I am doing my best to not go to "Julie World" and fantasize about everything with him, but it can be hard! :) He's just a great guy. I haven't put it out too much and I was almost afraid to really voice it, but this is going to be something really really good. I'm afraid to say that I think this could be "it", but... Well, he's just a really great guy and he makes me really happy.

So, work and personal life are good. Health is a bit in question this month. I haven't been keeping up with my marathon training because of my injuries. I'm scared about that. But we'll see how I recover. I know I've made huge progress just based on the race from Sunday. My best time ever without pushing myself too hard, running the whole time and doing it while I was feeling back pain. I was proud of that! Next time I'd love to beat 30 minutes. One day I can get there!

So that's where I have been. Studying, nursing some injuries and starting a new relationship. My life is always ups and downs but I always end up where I should. And I'm happy. Right now I am really really happy!

Rabbit Rabbit

Yesterday was the first time I heard about "rabbit rabbit". I guess if those are the first words you speak on the first day of a month, you will have good luck for the whole month. Somehow, without any coffee, while still hitting snooze, I somehow managed to remember. Does that mean March will be a great month? Hopefully it will better than February!

So my February review. For someone who is almost never sick... February sucked. I was sick more than half the month! Between a chest cold, sinus thing and then an ear infection... I was doomed. But that's done and today is March.

Because I was so sick, my marathon training suffered horribly. It was so disappointing to not meet my own stardards. But I did do the 1/2 marathon in NH and finished. Longer than I wanted, but I finished.

Also in February, I joined Match.com. I started emailing a few people right away. Tomorrow night is date 3 with one of the first guys who emailed me. I'm really happy with how that's going. Not comfortable getting into more of that right now, but I'm happy with the direction and really looking forward to tomorrow night.

One of my 2 healthy habits for February was take 2 of doing the plank one (FAILED!) which I might have done 3 times all month. Not sure what it will take to make that one stick. I have now tried for 2 months. I just never ever remember to do it.

My second healthy habit was to write 3 things I am grateful for each day. I didn't do it every day, but I did it 1/2 the time. But I like it. I am going to keep that on. I picked a specific journal and that's the only thing in there. I just write the date and then for #'s 1-3, I write, "I am gratefule for..." and complete that sentence three times. I like it and I'm keeping that! Not every single day, but often enough... at least half the time.

I had also continued with my spending journal too from January. And I kept up with that too. I'm really happy how that is going. It makes me think before I spend. I watch where my money is going so much more now than every before. Even though I was only going to continue it for a little more, I think I'm going to keep going with it. I just like being able to look back and know what's what.

Well, those were 3 of February's overall goals, plus #4. Be on top of my running and training schedule. Already said how well that one went.

I think my grade for the month would be a C+. I was sick, but I tried. I branched out, but didn't accomplish everything I had set out to.

So February is over and now I am on to March.

Of the heathy habits I picked before, I am keeping the spending journal and the gratitude journal. Now I need 2 new ones for March.

1. Be consistent with my marathon all month. Even if I don't make the mileage, I have to attempt whatever is scheduled for each day.

2. Pick a positive affirmation to reflect on daily, either by more traditional meditation or a mantra for running. I picked "I WILL finish Boston" to sound like the little engine that could... I THINK I can. I used it today while doing my running.

So those are my 4 goals for March.

I am happy, healthy and Spring is coming soon. I met a guy I really like. I have money in the bank and I am just happy with my life. I'm not expecting the other shoe to drop anymore. I'm expecting life to continue on this great and just keep getting better and better.

I have worked really hard to have great people in my life. I have friends I can count on and people who support me. I have great energy around me now and I love it! This is good.

Ok.. so much for my back getting better. I have a heating pad on my lower back and when I just tried to move I winced in pain. I don't know if this is going to be good or not. Might need to ice it tomorrow while at work.

But time to log off... gotta write in the gratitude & spending journals before heading off to bed! :)