Offering an Apology vs Forgiving

I had done something that I later realized was wrong. I reacted to something I shouldn’t have and reacted poorly. I caused hurt and damaged a relationship. At this point, I’m still not sure how much damage I caused. I don’t know if this is something that can be fixed or not.

The Merriam Webster online dictionary defines an apology as “an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret.” I know I was wrong. I know I caused hurt. I admitted that and apologized and asked for forgiveness. I put myself out there on the line. I laid it all out.

If what I did causes this relationship to be damaged beyond the point of repairing it, now I know I did absolutely everything I could to try to fix it. I can’t change anything else and now it is out of my hands.

The Merriam Webster online dictionary defines forgiving as well. That definition is “allows room for error or weakness”. That is what I am asking for. I am asking for forgiveness. I know I was wrong.

But the thing with an apology, with asking for forgiveness, all you can do is put it out there. You can ask. It is the OFFER of an apology. You can give that apology with full sincerity. You can wish you could change thing. You can accept full responsibility for your actions. You can be full of regret. You can give that heartfelt apology. And that’s the end of your part. You give that. You give that, offer that, to the person you wronged. And that’s all you do. Except wait. And hope.

The forgiveness? That’s not up to you. Even if your apology is accepted, that isn’t up to you. You can offer it, but you have no control or no right to decide what happens next. That is up to the person you wronged. If they can accept the apology, if they WANT to accept that apology, that is completely their call. And even if they do accept the apology, that doesn’t mean forgiveness follows. They are different.

So now? I know I was wrong. I offered the best apology I could give, heartfelt, sincere, full of remorse without placing blame anywhere but on me. I was wrong and that’s that. And now… I wait. I hope. But I accept that what is, is. I cannot change anything else. I cannot force my apology to be accepted. I cannot force forgiveness be given to me.

I wait. I hope. And I let go. And I know that it is my fault. If my apology is not accepted and if I am not given forgiveness, I will know that it is my fault. My actions caused these consequences and I have to live with that. I will just have to find a way to live with that.