I'm not sure how it is possible to have two horrible days in a row.  Days with absolutely horrible news... one after another. Completely unrelated events and information, but so horrible and so crushing. One after another.  How is that possible? 

I can't even process all of this right now.  I can't.  I was going to go to yoga, but I can't go out.  I can't leave my house right now.  I can't even pretend to be alright right now.  I can't fake it like I did most of yesterday and today.  Not after this second blow. 

I can't fake it anymore.  I can't process this.  I can't handle anything else happening right now.  I'm afraid to look at email or check my phone for any messages.  I'm afraid now of what else could happen and blind side me.  I can't do anymore.

Today I got over the numbness I felt from yesterday.  Its back.  I'm just numb again.  This sucks.  So much for trying to be positive and see the positive sides and be grateful for what I have and all that other bullshit. 

This is too much, too big and too crushing to deal with back to back.  I can't do anymore. I can't take anymore.  I just can't. 

Today sucked.  I'm not sure why I'm still writing because there isn't much more to day about it.  It just sucked.  Within the first 30 minutes of waking up and it didn't get any better. 

I ran for the first time yesterday in over a month and tonight took a new fitness class.  My back is THROBBING right now.  I already took something for it but it isn't working. 

Nothing is going well for me today.  Nothing.  I've tried to hold it together all day, but I just don't know if I can.  I don't know how I'm going to handle going to work tomorrow but I can't sit home all day either.  I just called in sick 3 weeks ago.  And that was already the 2nd time this year.  It isn't even March yet!  I can't call in again. 

But I know I won't be able to focus at work.  I know I won't get ANY work done at all.  But I'll be a mess at home.  I'm just afraid I'd end up being a mess at work too.  I don't know.  I guess it depends if I sleep at all tonight or not.  I have a feeling I won't. 

Today just sucks.  I can mark it down as one of the worst days in the past 2 years, at least. 

Even though most of today was good, I'm still in a really cranky and fowl mood.  I hate feeling like this!  I hate being like this.  I am absolutely miserable right now.  I would snap in a second, I was flipping out driving home from work and I have a pounding headache.  I am laying on the sofa and I have absolutely no desire to move right now.

BUT, in a few minutes I need to get my butt up and ready so I can go head to kickboxing.  I know that is the one thing that will snap me out of this.  I will toss on my gloves and punch and kick the HELL out of that bag with everything I have in me.  I will leave it all there on the mats.  Then hopefully I'll head home exhausted and I'll just pass out after a quick shower. 

I doubt I'll go right to sleep, but I'm at least hoping for it! 

I'm not sure what exactly got me into this mood in the first place.  But once it started, it spiraled and kept going and going! 

None of my friends are going to kickboxing, which is another thing making it hard to get up off the sofa to go there.  So much easier when someone is expecting me to be there.  But I know this is something I need to do for me tonight.

I need to go.  I need to punch and kick.  I need to get this all out.  I have way too much on my mind today.  It was slow at work and I had too much time to think.  With me, that is NEVER a good thing.  I can get way too far inside my head and basically create problems where there are no issues at all!  I know it, but once it starts, I can't snap out of it! 

So I sent a SUPER long email to a friend of mine, venting on EVERYTHING on my mind.  Things I knew I was doing wrong and things that were bothering me too.  Situations I'm in that I don't know how to handle.  She's a great listening and gives very supportive advice.  She very sweetly points out things she doesn't agree with and makes great suggestions.  I love her and trust her.  And she's always SO kind in her answers. 

But now... I'm home.  Alone.  Trying to stay out of my head and trying to NOT make choices I know are not the best. 

So... in a few minutes I will hopefully get up to change, then leave for kickboxing.  Hopefully.

Teaching!!!

So it is official!  I am going to be teaching classes starting in less than 2 weeks!  I just posted it on my meetup group and 2 people already signed up!!!  OMG!  I'm scared!  This is just crazy.  I can't believe that I'm really doing this and really going to be making my dreams happen. 

I'm scared and excited all at once.  This is just CRAZY!!    WOW!!!

13 Days!!! OMG!

After a few Facebook messages back and forth, this is it!  OMG!  13 days and counting!  I am going to be teaching my first class.  HOLY CRAP this is really really happening! 

The trainer I used to work out with, she said I can start anytime.... so Saturday, March 3rd is it!  I'm going to be renting her studio and teaching my own classes.  Her last message back to me after I asked f March 3rd was good to start said:
Yes that's fine. Let me know details. Time. Price. Name of class etc. I will post. Where they can register to reserve a spot etc. Thanks!!!!
 
Holy Crap!  This is really really happening.  WOW!  Wow.  That's all I can say.  I really have worked this hard to really accomplish this.  A dream I have had for years is really coming true.  I'm just BLOWN away!  I don't know what do think other than absolute shock. 

Now I really need to do this!  Wow!!  I have to teach a class!!!  I need to get everything together to make this good to go.  I'm nervous.  Nervous isn't even the word for it.  I'm absolutely terrified!  I can't even say that I WANT to be a fitness instructor.  Now I really AM a fitness instructor! This is absolutely crazy. 

I did it.  I did it.  I worked towards this goal, put in the effort, did the research and the work and I have made this happen!  Wow.  Wow.  My dreams really are coming true!

And another week comes and goes.  I was so tired all week after last weekend.  It was great and I learned SO much. I'm really glad that I went through all of those classes.  I am so excited for direction of everything.  I am getting closer and closer to my dreams becoming a reality!  It is a little overwhelming and scary to have it all come together like this. 

I have a studio ready to rent space to me.  I have people ready to take classes from me.  I have a Tax ID # and I'm opening up a bank account in the business name today.  I need to get the website & email set up and I want to do that this weekend too.  Then I have to order my business cards, sign up for first aid & CPR and I need to go to the town hall to register as a new business.

Lots to do but lots already done too!  I'm just really really excited about all of this. 

Maybe a year or 2 ago, I wrote out short term goals.  Then I added in longer term goals.  One was to become a certified group fitness instructor.  I'm just waiting for that to come in the mail!!  Dreams are coming true, one after the other.  It is so exciting but so scary.  I don't want to fail. 

I have so many great people in my corner and so much support all around me.  Everyone is so encouraging to me about everything.  I am scared that if I fail, I'll let them down too. 

And what if I don't love it after I'm doing it?  What then?  I've put so much into this... into this being what I want and the direction I want everything in and about my life to go.  What if I hate doing it?  Then what?  What's next?  What do I do with my life at that point?

It is just so scary to have it all right here, laid out for me, ready to go.  Everything I have wanted!  Right here.  It isn't like it has all been handed to me.  I have worked hard and put in so much effort to get myself where I am.  I wouldn't change the struggles or challenges.  I have learned from them all and each has helped get me to where I am right now. 

But to have it all here for the taking.  All my dreams and hopes are right at my feet.  This is crazy!! 

Otherwise, things in life are good.  Work is going.  My family is good... heading up to see my parents later today. 

My friends... I really do have the absolute best friends in the world.  Yesterday I was thinking of who is on the list of who I could call at 2am.  Years ago, that was a very very short list.  But now?  I have so many people I know I could call who would be right there for me in a heartbeat.  My friends are supportive, encouraging and just great people!  If I go to them with a problem, or just to vent, they listen, make some points that I might not have considered, and offer some suggestions.  But they respect me enough to know that the decisions I make are mine to make and they will support me with whatever those decisions are.  And then still be there by my side. 

My friends are amazing people and I am so lucky to have found them all.  I know that and I'm so happy that I have them in my life.  And the list of great friends continues to grow. And the depth of the friendships have been growing too.  It has been really really nice. 

And then my boyfriend.  I love him so much.  I've mentioned problems and struggles we've had, challenges in our relationship.  Yeah, we still have one challenge that is there... the elephant in the room (personally I say her name starts with a big giant C but that's just my opinion).   That challenge still sits and hangs there.  But things have gotten better. 

Valentine's Day was just great.  I really can't say it any better than that.  It was great.  I didn't want flowers.  I didn't want to go out.  I just wanted a night in, without the computer or phones.  I had wanted him to cook me dinner, get me a card, and have us just connect.  He had been sick on Monday and worked late on Tuesday.  He didn't have time to get things to make dinner.  But he ordered out for us.  And he got me a really nice card.  He was so sweet to me all night. 

Valentine's night was absolutely everything that I wanted but even more... it was everything that I needed.  I needed a night to feel connected with him again.  I needed a night to feel that I mattered and was an important part of his life.  I NEEDED that.  And he gave that to me.  And it didn't stop with just that night. 

I saw him on Wednesday night too, and again last night.  I told him this morning that I noticed.  Its hard to say... not an extra effort, but just more.  He's giving me more of what I need.  He's putting more into us.  I noticed it and I noticed the change.  And I appreciate it SO much. 

Last fall, before anything between us had happened, I was even annoying myself.  All I was saying was, "I am SO happy."  That's all I would say ALL the time.  Then we started having issues in the middle of everything... right there.  That big giant elephant named C right in the middle of me being so happy.  That C took my happiness. 

Last weekend I told my boyfriend that I would give absolutely anything to get back to where we were.  I want to be so annoyingly happy again!  I want that so much.  He had given that to me and I wanted it back.  I miss being that happy all the time.  I was living on cloud 9 and nothing could bring me down! 

After Valentine's Day and after this week... with how he was, and just how he made me feel that day and since, its helping to bring me back to that place.  I looked at a picture I have of us up on my desk the other day.  That picture represents so much to me.  When I looked at that picture this week, I was smiling again.  It has been a while since I've smiled like that.  I missed that. 

He has been giving me back that.  The way he has been, it is bringing me back to where I was.  I love that.  I needed that.  I wanted that so much! 

I really do love him.  I love him so much.  He is such a great person.  He's loving, kind, sweet, honest, supportive, encouraging, and strong.  He is so independent and smart.  He is absolutely driven and accomplish anything he puts his mind to.  He is so funny and fun to be with.  He makes me laugh all the time. 

I love him and I love what we have together.  I needed this week.  I needed everything that he gave me.  And I love him even more for it.  He gets me like no one else.  I have never been more completely myself with anyone ever.  I feel so comfortable and safe and secure with him.  I am free to be me without any judgement at all.  I am just me with him.  No holding back.  No censoring anything or any part of myself.  I am fully and completely myself.  And he lets me do that.  He gives me that.  I love him for that. 

So that's where I am at.  That's pretty much everything that has been going on in my life.  :) 

Things are good and they keep getting better and better.  Each day is a new beginning and a new set of opportunities.  Each day is a fresh start and is one more step closer to making all of my dreams reality!  I can't believe that all of this is happening at once. 

I really am happy with my life.  I know how lucky I am to have it all coming together at once.  That doesn't usually happen.  But I have a great family and amazing friends, my dream career starting and a boyfriend I love.  I really am lucky and I really do have a great life.  :)

What a freakin weekend!!!  I need a day off to recover from it. 3 days of trainings and they were all long days too.

I'm 95% sure I passed my fitness certification class.  Now I'm looking into First Aid & CPR.  I only need CPR, but if I'm going to do it, I may as well get it all.  And I'm still struggling with a business name.  I have a few ideas but I'm not 100% yet. 

I need to get a domain name, build a web page, get business cards, open a bank account, get a tax ID #, find out about getting a town permit to do outdoor bootcamps in the spring, and get my own liability insurance policy as well.  LOTS I need to start doing now that the class itself is done. 

And I'm going to have to download more music for new play lists, plus choreograph a few classes to get me going in the right direction.  I'm SO nervous about doing the first class, but super excited about it.  Hopefully with my fitness group I can get a bunch of people to show up for it!  But still nervous just the same. 

LOTS going on and it is all exhausting.  And overwhelming too.  But still exciting.  I'm SO close to reaching so many dreams.  It is scary that they are all coming true!  SO scary!  But I really want this all so much. 

Things with my boyfriend... right now are really good.  We had another tough time, but it really is SO much better now.  Better than it has been in a while.  He's changed.  Noticeably, and in a really good way.  I'm just really really happy with it.  I love him so much and I want things to be great with us.  I know he loves me and I know he wants to be with me. 

So overall, life is just really good.  I'm happy.  I have great people in my life and my dreams are all coming true at once.  Everything.  Life is just really really good for me.  :)

This is THE day!  Running late already, but that's typical of me.  I built in a little extra time at least.  Originally I wanted to leave my house by 6:30am.  It is 6:22, I'm not showered on the sofa, finishing up cereal and coffee.  My bags are ready (books in one, snacks in another).  I just need to fill up the water bottle & feed the cats.  And I want to fill up a thermos of coffee to bring with me. 

I'm SO nervous about today.  But I am feeling a little better now than I was 48 hours ago.  I talked to the kickboxing teacher who said the test is a joke.  I took 2 online classes and saw how they test (it really was a joke!).  I practiced my cardio routine and did my exercises out for proper form with my boyfriend.  And I did my individual exercise for him too.  I don't know if he was saying it to make me feel better or not, but he said I did a great job and sounded like a professional.  That was sweet. 

He told me I'll do great and that I'm super prepared.  I'm still freaking out!!!

Ahh... ok 6:26.  Time for the shower!

Been a weird week.  I'm not talking about a football game that happened on Sunday. I won't start there.

This week I had 2 scheduled days off.  Friday is class day for the fitness certification.  Tuesday I was taking off for a study day.  I was sick starting Sunday night.  I did go to work on Monday but didn't feel great.  Tuesday I could barely study. I was just cloudy.  This cold has been awful!  I'm so congested.  Tuesday I couldn't even lift my head up!

Wednesday I called in sick.  I woke up that morning and sneezed 7 straight times!  I still felt lousy around noon, but by 3 in the afternoon I started to feel a little better.  I'm still stuffy now, but feeling a little better.  Going to work today and tomorrow is class day! 

I'm FREAKING out about this class.  I'm not feeling all that ready or prepared.  I did go to kickboxing last night and picked the teachers brain.  She took the same certification a few years ago.  I'm SO glad I talked to her! Really helped how I was feeling.  She said they go over EVERYTHING that is on the test during that day. 

I have 100 multiple choice questions for the written part.  Then the practical.  I was working on that yesterday too.  I'm feeling much better about that part now.  Tonight my boyfriend is skipping his class at the gym to help me with the practical part.  I need to do 10 exercises and 5 stretches without talking, in a group (they say "LEGS" and I need to do 2 legs exercises and 1 stretch.  Everyone does their own thing in a group.  5 different groupings like this.)  So he is going to help me finish picking out the 10 and make sure my form is good for it too.

Then I need to teach one exercise to the group for my individual practical part.  I go up and have to give 3 levels of one exercise.  I'm doing a lower ab exercise.... I think!  I'm tested on how I communicate and explain, along with projection and that crap. 

I'm SUPER nervous.  We'll see how this goes!  URGH!

And I STILL have my stupid Online Yoga classes!  This SUCKS!  I might try one at lunch... we'll see.  I'm just nervous and freaking out.   Fingers crossed.

I've been in a bit of a funk lately.  Lots of things keep going on and I've been having a hard time adjusting and dealing with it all.  I know that my life is in a transition phase right now.  I can feel it.  Things need to shift and adjust and not everything or everyone in my life right now will be here when all is said and done. 

I've been doing my best to deal and figure it all out as it comes.  Some things are easier than others to take.  The tough ones?  Well those are just tough!  I have lots of thoughts and ideas but no decisions made. 

Progress continues on my fitness training.  I'm still struggling with my business name but I have some pretty good ideas.  We'll see what I end up coming up with.  Just looking forward to where it all ends up.  I'm excited with it all.  And VERY scared.  Things are just falling into place but I know I need to continue to work as hard as I have to keep up this great momentum. 

I am truly blessed to have the amazing people I have in my life.  Not a lot of people can say that they have friends like this.  I know if I needed someone, I have SO many options of who I could call.  My life has already made a HUGE switch with that.  I've completely opened myself up to new people and new experiences and so much continues to come into my life.  The work I have done on myself made it possible for me to get here and have these experiences now.

I still have struggles.  I have been trying to focus on the positives that I have in my life to see me through the not so positives.  Every person and every experience gives me knowledge and from there I can continue to grow and learn.  I am not going to let anything or anyone hold me back, especially myself. 

Every day I learn more about who I am and what I am capable of.  I have light bulb moments all the time... those great AH HA!  moments where everything just comes together.  They may not be over the most positive situations in my life, but seeing things in new perspectives and having different realizations will only benefit me in the long run. 

My dreams in my life are coming true and that really is a little scary! 

I'm getting certified next weekend to be a fitness trainer.  I have a place to start teaching and a chance to start my own business as a fitness instructor and yoga teacher.  I am on the path to the career I have wanted and I really can help people achieve their goals!

Again, with my friends.  It really is an amazing and GROWING group, and I mean GROUP!  I don't even know how many of us there are anymore!  Last weekend, there were 6 at the show, 2 in it, and at least 3 who didn't make it.  I always feel like I am forgetting people, we have gotten so big!  Carrie, Laura, Jill, Jen, Christine, Kristin, Tracie, Jill and me were the start of the group.  Then Patty, Aimee, and Tricia were added too.  Sometimes Paula, Karen and Lisa too.  Out of the first bunch, I know if I called any of them, they would be there for me in a heartbeat.

And they are all friends with each other too, which is great.  Jill and Kristin were out last night.  I was out with Laura and Aimee on Thursday and on Wednesday I was out with Patty and Jill. And I know that the others hang out and talk without me there all the time.  Carrie and Laura were in the show together last weekend.  I think its great what we have and how this whole group formed so nicely.  No drama, no bs, just fun!  And they are all just really good people. 

What else?  Finances continue to improve.  My car will be paid off this summer.  This week is going to be tight but after my next check, things will be better from then on out.  That covers the little bills, then 2 weeks later is no medical insurance paycheck and in March I have no car or apartment insurance due.  Plus getting my taxes back and then having some income from teaching fitness classes too.  Things are just looking up.

My relationships with my family continue to improve.  That's always good.

In general, my health is good.  I am continuing to be proactive and do what I need to do to take care of myself as best as I can.

Work pays the bills.  Starting to pursue my career in fitness, I am changing how I look at my full time job so it isn't such a drain on my energy.  It is a paycheck.  It pays my bills. I leave at 5 and leave all the stress of it there. 

Then last but not least is my boyfriend.  I love him.  We have struggles, I have struggles in the relationship but I'm always learning.  When push comes to shove, he's the one I call.  I needed a ride into Boston for a 3 hour doctor appointment.  I just wanted to be dropped off and picked up.  He was planning on spending the 3 hours there with me until I told him no.  If something happens, he wants me to call him. 

I have a lot I'm dealing with within our relationship, things I'm still trying to figure out for myself.  But I do know that I love him.  I love being with him.  I love when we start laughing and can't stop!  I love when he wraps his arms around me in bed and holds me in his arms.  I love when we are spooning and he kisses the back of my head and says, "I love you baby".  Those are the great moments.  No relationship is all great moments, but we do have a lot of them and for that I'm happy.  Thinking of those, I smile. 

So yes, almost all of my dreams are coming true!  Things in my life are just falling into place for me.  It is very scary to have everything you want just all come together for you.  Life won't be all roses all the time.  Bumps and bruises will come up along the way.  Then I I'll head to kickboxing and beat the hell out of the bag and take out all of my frustrations!  :)  But for now, I'm just going to enjoy what I have.  I'm enjoying having my dreams come to life. 

On the Kickboxing Kick

DAMN I love this class!  Tonight is the 3rd time this week I have gone to kickboxing.  I know I am joining when my 10 classes through Groupon are up, but which option is up in the air.  35 classes, 65 class, or do the unlimited monthly classes for 7 months (pay 6, 1 free) or 12 months (pay 11, 1 free).  I think all are over $100 a month! 

But if I have already gone to this class 3 times this week and LOVE it?  I'm still not sure.  I think I have 5 more classes paid for and I can decide then.  I do have another gym that I got a Groupon for.... 15 classes to use within 45 days once I start and I need to start by the end of March. 

I just LOVE these kickboxing classes!  Best workout EVER! 

And I love that tonight...3 of the guys who work at this studio each asked how long I have done kickboxing.   They were all surprised that I didn't take it before.  I took 2 classes at an MMA Studio, but 2 classes in 2 years.  I have no other kickboxing experience.  And I know I'm strong.  I know I have power in my punches and kicks.

This workout is amazing.  Even after just a couple of weeks, I can already feel the difference.  I love how I feel!  I feel stronger and I can feel the muscles working.  The class is fun and the time FLYS!  That is the fastest hour of my entire day.  :)  I always feel SO much better after each class!

So how I join?  That's my question.  Not if... but which option I am going to take!  I LOVE this place.  Now I know why they are part of ilovekickboxing.com!  :)

Time to hit a quick shower and meet friends at the bar!  Thursdays are FUN!