Can I hide the real me?

Last week was another challenging week at work. Things keep changing and I have to really think a few things over at this point. Long term do I see myself at this place? Now? Not as much as before. But for now, I'm here. At least another year or 2 for right now, if I can.

Still lots of drama going on in work as well. I really need to find a better balance for myself. I am basically just me no matter where I am. I'm the same person. People at work, with my family, out with friends, they all see ME. Now I need to change which sides of me are seen with different groups. That's lots of work. Is it worth it? Can I do it? Do I want to?

I need to not be the true me at work anymore... at least that's what I was basically told. I can't be friends with people, I can't be friendly, and I can't help people with different things. I need to just sit at my desk and do my work. I can't have friendly conversations with the people in my department. I can't be me.

I was in tears last week. How can I change who I am? How can I only be a part of me for over 40 hours a week? How can I not care about what's going on in people's lives? How can I not share what is going on with my life with the people who sit less then 20 feet around me, that I spend over 8 hours a day with? Is this something I can succeed at? Changing me? And again, do I want to? Is this job worth that?

There are only 2 reasons I didn't just walk out of my office last week. The first is basically a given. The money. I need a job. I need an income. I need money coming in to pay the bills. In this economy, I'm not going to have another job tomorrow. The second reason, my boss. I know he cares, and I know he fights for me. I don't want to let him down when I feel like he is the only person there on my side.

It was recently said to me, sometimes no matter what you do to make your work life better, sometimes it is just the job that's toxic, and it just won't get better. With the way things have been going for me lately, that's how I'm starting to feel. Am I just at a toxic job at this point?

I am so sick of drama. I have done so much to push it out of my life. I have done all I can to only surround myself with positive people who have good energy. People who can lift me up and help make me a better person. But drama keeps finding me. People with drama keep coming into my life and spreading that into it. I can't get away from it. I don't know how. And when this happens with work? What do I do then? I can't cut those people out of my life, like I would in my personal life. I can't stop seeing these people every day when I share office space with them. How do I stop their drama from having an influence on me? How do I get away from it?

At this point, I removed all but one work person as a friend on Facebook. She's the only work person I actually trust (she texted me today, she's engaged!). By not having them on facebook, that hopefully will make a small difference in the drama. I have also tried not to have conversations or engage with the biggest drama people, well more so one specific person. Friday was nice, she was out sick. It was still a tough day with everything that had happened on Thursday (the meeting about me changing me) but without the drama queen at work, it was a little easier. I'm hoping next week is ok, then I'm off the week after that.

It just leaves me feeling deflated. I have worked so hard for this company. I have put so much into my job, into this department. All I have wanted was for it to be a success. I know the president of the company doesn't like me, and that's not just in my head. My boss confirmed that she's not a fan of mine. I know I won't have huge opportunities at this company. I have said more than once that I felt like I was being set up to fail. It is so frustrating when things like this happen. I try, I work, but nothing happens.

I guess in a way, I have already started to separate my work and personal life more. As hurt, upset and saddened by what has happened, outside of work my life is good. Yeah, I'm broke, but that will never change. That's my life. (I take home less now than I did last year before I got a raise! Gotta love insurance premium increases!)

But as far as friends and my social life? I love it. That's going amazingly well. I have fun. I love how I spend my time. This summer was amamzing. I've golfed, been doing the running twice a week, gone kayaking a bunch of times (today included), made new friends and just enjoyed myself. I found things that make me happy and things I enjoy doing. I like how I spend my time. I have really good people around me that I have fun with and enjoy spending time with.

And the people I see socially, they don't know about me hiding parts of my personality. They just know me. The real me.

Serendipity

Long before the whole thing with The Secret, I always knew that things just worked out for me. When I was looking for a job, I heard from an old manager who wanted me back. When I wanted to move south of Boston and couldn't figure out where to go, someone I worked with told me about a house her brother owned that was for rent. Things just fall into place for me, they work out. Serendipity. I believe in it.

I have wanted to take a yoga class. I started with a google search in my area. Yup, tons of yoga classes in my area, but most are hot yoga and power yoga classes. I'm sure those are wonderful for some people, but that isn't what I'm looking for in a yoga class. I want something relaxing, maybe a little challenging, to center and calm me. So my search continued.

I did find a great website for a yoga instructor. She was teaching private classes and also a coach and speaker. Her website was great! She didn't have any ongoing classes, but I found Stacey very interesting. I saved her site to my favorites and love to check out her newest blogs. But I knew she'd be a GREAT yoga teacher.

So I made my decision to put out to the universe that I was looking for an ongoing gentle yoga class that I could relax in and just let it be. That was a couple of weeks ago. This morning I had someone ask me about talking a yoga class. I told her I have been looking for one!



Now let me backtrack even further... a few years back. I remember taking an online quiz about religion and what my values and beliefs most resembled. That was when I heard of the Unitarian Universalist Church. I started doing some research and found a Church near my old apartment. They had a great website, but I never made it to a service. I continued to be very curious, but it just didn't happen. The only times is was most convenient for me, was the past couple of summers... when they didn't have regular service. So, it continued to be on my list of things to do.



And now we move up to today. I received a local town's catalog for their Community Continuing Education Program for the next school year. Last year I took Belly Dancing through them and loved it. I wanted to see what else was going to be offered this year. Oh, they have cooking classes, computer classes, estate planning classes, and guess what... yoga classes! 4 different ones, each offered in the fall and again in the spring!

The first one I looked at was Yoga for Stress Relief. This is the class description:
You will be guided through a yoga practice designed to improve strength, flexibility and most importantly relieve stress and tension. Class will also focus on helping you use yoga in everyday life for less stress and more balance. You will leave feeling relaxed and ready for a good night's sleep. Class is suitable for all levels.

The best part? Guess who the yoga teacher is? Stacey! Nuts, huh? OH, it gets even CRAZIER!!!

Then I looked up Stacey's website. She has her upcoming classes listed, including this one through the continuing ed program... which is on Thursday nights for 8 week starting in September. She has another class coming up in the fall, on Tuesday nights, starting on September 14th. It was at a church in the town next to where I live. The cost? I pay $35 to the church for my first class, then I can attend any other class and program they have for that cost. The church is about 15 minutes from where I live. Stacey is member of the church.

Guess what kind of church it is? Unitarian Universalist.

Yeah... my life just works out the way it is supposed to. Things fall into place and I end up where I should. I listen when the universe talks to me. Serendipity. That's my life.

I really need to go food shopping

Yes, on the top left, the milk is almost gone. Then a few pints of blueberries. On the top right, I have a water bottle with Crystal Light, my Britta and a couple bottles of beer.

In the drawer... a couple of bags of shredded cheese. Then on the right middle shelve, some cooked chicken that needs to be thrown away when the trash comes on Monday morning.

You can't see the door in the picture... just condiments and coffee and salad dressing.

Yup, I REALLY need to go food shopping!

Running and other rants

Last night I did really well at the track. I was back to 3 miles and that felt great! I ran the whole thing and it just felt great. I'm really looking forward to doing it again! It was nice.

I'm proud of myself to get back to that. I really want to push myself and see how far I can really go. SO... maybe tomorrow I can do more. Even if I do 13 laps instead of 12, that's still a 1/4 of a mile further! That would be a person best.

I still have my goal of being under 130 by my birthday. Hopefully I'll make it, even though I have been eating ALL night. Nothign has satisfied me tonight. But if I keep up with the exercise and running, then it will be easier and I'll just feel better in general. Today I even wore jeans that a year ago I couldn't have zipped! And they weren't skin tight! I had some room in them! That was cool.

Work is still a but nuts. I'm not loving one of my newbies. She's not getting it, not being detailed, is exremely defensive and has an attitude. I just can't deal with it anymore! Driving me insane! I hope it gets better soon. She has a 60 day review next week and I met with her today unofficially to go over what I thought she needed to focus on. She's just all over the place with her mistakes.

OH! A really good friend of mine got engaged today! I'm so happy for her. She is a great person and really deserves the best. I'm just so happy for her.

And what else???

Best part! Tomorrow is FRIDAY!!!

Facebook Stalking

Every so often I'll be bored on facebook and I'll start trying to search guys I dated a million years ago to see if they have a page. I've looked at someone from HS who is now married with 2 kids (so many things on his page are public!) but I'd never friend him... the whole "married" part. Just my morbid sense of curiosity. I don't know why I do it to myself, I just do.
And here I am, watching TV, bored on facebook and what do I start doing? Searching old people. One guy from my early 20's, has a slightly common name. But I remember his friends name and that he has a facebook page (I take this whole facebook stalking this to a new level!). After I looked up the friend, I found which page was his! He's on facebook now!
Almost everything on his page is private and his profile picture is of a sign, but its him. Last I knew he was moving to California, well he's in San Jose. He works at Stanford and he's married. He's MARRIED. Interesting. I just wish he had pictures I could view!!!
Guess now I need to possibly check the Stanford website.

What ride are you on?

I was supposed to meet some friends this morning at 9am to do my 5K training. I was going to stop at the store on the way home for a few groceries. It is now almost noon, I'm on the sofa, watching TV, in my boxers and tank top, eating chips and salsa. How'd that plan go that wrong? :) But I am doing an MMA fit thing at 3 with a friend of mine and meeting up some other friends later to go out tonight. Going to be fun, I think. Looking forward to it.

I still have lots to do around the house today. I have a list of cleaning to do, I need to figure out what I'm wearing tonight and I get ready for the beach with mom tomorrow. Yet, I'm still laying on the sofa watching TV. I know I need times to relax sometimes, but I need to find some motivation! At least I know I have to leave my house by 2:30, so I have an end time for sofa time. I'm sure, knowing me, around 2pm I'll get hit with motivation and want to clean everything just before I have to leave my house. Very typical.

So far for August, I'm well on my way for my monthly goals. I have already golfed once and I'm going again on Tuesday. With where I am at in my jogging training (AGAIN) I should be able to do 2 miles in a couple of weeks. I'm keeping up with the food journal for the most part but missing a couple. I'm going out with south shore people tonight outside of a meetup event. I'm looking for yoga and zumba, and I need to go see Alex. Then just the farmers market and cleaning my closet.


Overall, things seem to be going really well for me right now. I'm busy with work and with my personal life. And I'm having fun. I love the running group and I really look forward to my nights on the track. I've had fun with golf and even though I SUCK, I'm having a good time. I'm healthier than I have even been! (minus the chips and salsa right next to me!) My anxiety levels have dropped. I'm more focused on everything. Things are just going much more smoothly. I am better able to handle stress and difficult situations. I know when to ask for help. I have become more responsible in my life and with my finances. I know where my limits are and I have been much better at staying within them. Things are going really well for me and I'm more positive about my life.

Generally when things are this good in my life, I look for the other shoe to drop. I wait for the bad thing that is about to happen and mess it all up. I always said that my life is like a roller coaster, full of sharp ups and down. When things were going well, I was always waiting to crest over that steep rise before things went crashing down. I'd hold my breathe waiting for it, knowing the longer things were going well, the better they were, the longer and faster the fall would be. Pretty scary living like that.

But now things have changed a bit. I'm enjoying the ride. On more of a kiddy coaster this time, but with a longer track. Yeah, there are still some ups and downs, but the drops aren't as big and the overall ride is a bit more smooth. Although there might be a big drop at some point that just jumps out, I'm not waiting for it. All I can see right now is an even ride with some twists and turns taking me in different directions... just not down. And I like this ride a lot better. Its more fun. I don't have my stomach in my throat. I'm not waiting to drop down. I can see what's around me and enjoy the scenery along the way. Things are just good on this ride. I wish I'd found this ride a lot earlier.

I am much more calm lately, even in my mind. I'm less anxious and I'm not hyper focused on negative things that I work up even worse in my mind. I see the good, I see the positive and I see things more realistically. I've having a better time communicating with people and am less likely to misinterpret others intentions.

I really like this new way of being for me. Things are better. Life is easier. And I'm having more fun!

The loss of trust

I always used to think that I was a really good judge of character. I could easily tell people I wouldn't click with and I just knew who not to trust. It was always an inate ability. I didn't think to think. I would say, "I just trust my gut".

Now I think I was wrong. Well in a sense. When I feel things are bad, yeah, I'm going with that and I trust that. But the other end, the side that I thought would lead me right, I think I was wrong. People I thought I clicked with, people I thought I had a relationship with, people I thought I could trust, I have been wrong. More than once. And I realized it with 2 people in the past month. And that's just in the past month!

There have been so many more people I thought I would be friends with, thought I would click with and I was wrong. It was drama, it was crazytown, or it was just not what I wanted.

I'm not sure I truely trust my gut anymore. I don't know. I'm disappointed more than anything else with the two people in the past month. I have known them both for over a year and half, both from work. And both I really liked and cared about and trusted. And both let down that trust. It is disappointing. Not just that I can't trust my gut, but that I lost my trust in these 2 people.

I have such a hard time trusting people anyway, of letting people into my life and past the walls. I have so many superficial relationships in my life. These are 2 people I really cared about. 2 people I really trusted. And now? I don't. It makes me sick to know that I lost that in them both.

By learning this, by realizing this, I am learning more about me. More about who I want to be and what relationships I want in my life and more importantly what I don't want.

I know I don't want to be around people I can't trust. Trust is the most important thing in any relationship. And once it is gone, that's it. It is close to impossible to get it back. Certain lines just can't be crossed. And that is one that is so important to me. I have learned that I need trust in a relationship and I can't have that bond broken.

I have also learned that I really need to watch who I give my trust to. I need to keep my work relationships more superficial than outside of work. These are people I am stuck with. I have to see them every day! And those 2, the 2 who I realized I cannot trust, they aren't the only ones! So, I really need to keep work sepearate from my personal life. It is just hard when I spend so much time with these people, over 40 hours a week. But it has to be easy, light and superficial. Things I don't tell everyone, things I tell only friends, I just can't share at work anymore. That sucks. That's disappointing.

But I have also realized that I do have some great people in my life. The true friends I have are amazing people. I'm lucky to have them in my life. And with the fitness group, I am around so many new people that I am developing friendships with. And I really care about them. And I like where those friendships are going.

SO I am going to focus on those relationships. The true amazing friendships I have and the new friendships I am developing. I have to try to focus on the positive aspects of it and not just the loss of the work relationships I don't have anymore.