Last week was another challenging week at work. Things keep changing and I have to really think a few things over at this point. Long term do I see myself at this place? Now? Not as much as before. But for now, I'm here. At least another year or 2 for right now, if I can.
Still lots of drama going on in work as well. I really need to find a better balance for myself. I am basically just me no matter where I am. I'm the same person. People at work, with my family, out with friends, they all see ME. Now I need to change which sides of me are seen with different groups. That's lots of work. Is it worth it? Can I do it? Do I want to?
I need to not be the true me at work anymore... at least that's what I was basically told. I can't be friends with people, I can't be friendly, and I can't help people with different things. I need to just sit at my desk and do my work. I can't have friendly conversations with the people in my department. I can't be me.
I was in tears last week. How can I change who I am? How can I only be a part of me for over 40 hours a week? How can I not care about what's going on in people's lives? How can I not share what is going on with my life with the people who sit less then 20 feet around me, that I spend over 8 hours a day with? Is this something I can succeed at? Changing me? And again, do I want to? Is this job worth that?
There are only 2 reasons I didn't just walk out of my office last week. The first is basically a given. The money. I need a job. I need an income. I need money coming in to pay the bills. In this economy, I'm not going to have another job tomorrow. The second reason, my boss. I know he cares, and I know he fights for me. I don't want to let him down when I feel like he is the only person there on my side.
It was recently said to me, sometimes no matter what you do to make your work life better, sometimes it is just the job that's toxic, and it just won't get better. With the way things have been going for me lately, that's how I'm starting to feel. Am I just at a toxic job at this point?
I am so sick of drama. I have done so much to push it out of my life. I have done all I can to only surround myself with positive people who have good energy. People who can lift me up and help make me a better person. But drama keeps finding me. People with drama keep coming into my life and spreading that into it. I can't get away from it. I don't know how. And when this happens with work? What do I do then? I can't cut those people out of my life, like I would in my personal life. I can't stop seeing these people every day when I share office space with them. How do I stop their drama from having an influence on me? How do I get away from it?
At this point, I removed all but one work person as a friend on Facebook. She's the only work person I actually trust (she texted me today, she's engaged!). By not having them on facebook, that hopefully will make a small difference in the drama. I have also tried not to have conversations or engage with the biggest drama people, well more so one specific person. Friday was nice, she was out sick. It was still a tough day with everything that had happened on Thursday (the meeting about me changing me) but without the drama queen at work, it was a little easier. I'm hoping next week is ok, then I'm off the week after that.
It just leaves me feeling deflated. I have worked so hard for this company. I have put so much into my job, into this department. All I have wanted was for it to be a success. I know the president of the company doesn't like me, and that's not just in my head. My boss confirmed that she's not a fan of mine. I know I won't have huge opportunities at this company. I have said more than once that I felt like I was being set up to fail. It is so frustrating when things like this happen. I try, I work, but nothing happens.
I guess in a way, I have already started to separate my work and personal life more. As hurt, upset and saddened by what has happened, outside of work my life is good. Yeah, I'm broke, but that will never change. That's my life. (I take home less now than I did last year before I got a raise! Gotta love insurance premium increases!)
But as far as friends and my social life? I love it. That's going amazingly well. I have fun. I love how I spend my time. This summer was amamzing. I've golfed, been doing the running twice a week, gone kayaking a bunch of times (today included), made new friends and just enjoyed myself. I found things that make me happy and things I enjoy doing. I like how I spend my time. I have really good people around me that I have fun with and enjoy spending time with.
And the people I see socially, they don't know about me hiding parts of my personality. They just know me. The real me.
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