The loss of trust

I always used to think that I was a really good judge of character. I could easily tell people I wouldn't click with and I just knew who not to trust. It was always an inate ability. I didn't think to think. I would say, "I just trust my gut".

Now I think I was wrong. Well in a sense. When I feel things are bad, yeah, I'm going with that and I trust that. But the other end, the side that I thought would lead me right, I think I was wrong. People I thought I clicked with, people I thought I had a relationship with, people I thought I could trust, I have been wrong. More than once. And I realized it with 2 people in the past month. And that's just in the past month!

There have been so many more people I thought I would be friends with, thought I would click with and I was wrong. It was drama, it was crazytown, or it was just not what I wanted.

I'm not sure I truely trust my gut anymore. I don't know. I'm disappointed more than anything else with the two people in the past month. I have known them both for over a year and half, both from work. And both I really liked and cared about and trusted. And both let down that trust. It is disappointing. Not just that I can't trust my gut, but that I lost my trust in these 2 people.

I have such a hard time trusting people anyway, of letting people into my life and past the walls. I have so many superficial relationships in my life. These are 2 people I really cared about. 2 people I really trusted. And now? I don't. It makes me sick to know that I lost that in them both.

By learning this, by realizing this, I am learning more about me. More about who I want to be and what relationships I want in my life and more importantly what I don't want.

I know I don't want to be around people I can't trust. Trust is the most important thing in any relationship. And once it is gone, that's it. It is close to impossible to get it back. Certain lines just can't be crossed. And that is one that is so important to me. I have learned that I need trust in a relationship and I can't have that bond broken.

I have also learned that I really need to watch who I give my trust to. I need to keep my work relationships more superficial than outside of work. These are people I am stuck with. I have to see them every day! And those 2, the 2 who I realized I cannot trust, they aren't the only ones! So, I really need to keep work sepearate from my personal life. It is just hard when I spend so much time with these people, over 40 hours a week. But it has to be easy, light and superficial. Things I don't tell everyone, things I tell only friends, I just can't share at work anymore. That sucks. That's disappointing.

But I have also realized that I do have some great people in my life. The true friends I have are amazing people. I'm lucky to have them in my life. And with the fitness group, I am around so many new people that I am developing friendships with. And I really care about them. And I like where those friendships are going.

SO I am going to focus on those relationships. The true amazing friendships I have and the new friendships I am developing. I have to try to focus on the positive aspects of it and not just the loss of the work relationships I don't have anymore.