I am a planner by nature.  I organize a fitness group and plan out those events.  With my group of friends, I am the one who plans the nights out, picks the date and puts the details together.  For work, I give trainings to new accounts and schedule times and make sure everything that needs to be done is. 

Over the years I have done my best to be less rigid and to be better able to handle curve balls.  I've had HUGE progress with that.  I still don't love surprises.  I still need a plan.  And I REALLY need to have expectations set.  I don't do well when something outside of any possibility is tossed at me. 

Last night was one of those nights.  Things I never ever would have or could have expected were thrown at me.  I tried my best to roll with it and go with it, but was more than a few steps outside of any level of comfort I have.  I was being asked to do things that are just not part of who I am.  And it was NOT fun. 

I'm a little surprised at the severity of my reaction to it.  I was so uncomfortable, felt so humiliated.  It was such a horrible experience.  But I was so upset.  It took well over an hour for me to stop crying.  Anytime I started to think or talk about it, I started up again.  Even today telling a friend about it on the phone.  I could hear my voice going when I said how humiliating the experience was. 

I just didn't expect it.  Trying to roll with, trying to have fun with it, trying to be fun... it wasn't enough and even more was being pushed on to me.  I'm glad I stood my ground and didn't compromise my values at all.  I know my limits and I know when I set a line in the sand, I do not cross that. 

In the past, I've written how I don't feel judged by my boyfriend and by my friend Michelle.  Those really are 2 of the only people in my entire life that I feel have not judged me or any part of my life.  Any experiences I have are not bad or shocking.  They are just experiences and part of what makes up me. 

With almost everyone else in my life or anyone who was in my life, I have felt like different parts of me, different experiences from my past were being judged and used to judge me.  I guess, how I grew up, the people in my life, and that so many people I have had around me just judged me... I didn't feel like I was all that conservative of a person.  I have a past.  I've had some pushing the limits times.

My boyfriend always jokes about the town I'm from.  That just because that's where I'm from, I'm sheltered and conservative.  He's said... Its not like your a Chelsea girl!  And I guess in a way that's true.  But up until last night, I didn't really realize it. 

Now I do.  I am much more conservative than I realized I was.  I know my limits.  I know my ideals.  I know what lines I will not cross.  Being pushed and pushed to cross a line that I know is not something I could or would ever be comfortable with was not a fun experience.  And in front of a crowd, being told I was "dismissed" because I wouldn't publicly cross one of those lines?  That was humiliating. 

And I don't know why it was humiliating.  I stood my ground.  I stuck to my values.  I didn't cross a line that I am not comfortable crossing.  Shouldn't that be a good thing?  Shouldn't I be proud of that?  Why was I in tears for an hour, so upset and angry for being in that position? 

I felt completely out of control last night.  It was not something I wanted to do.  In fact, several times I clearly stated it was something I did NOT want to do.  But in a crowd, pushed, I tried to play the part and roll with it.  I tried to have fun with it.  I tried to put on a smile and go with the flow, as uncomfortable as it was and as out of my element as I was.  I tried.  I really honestly tried. 

But I kept getting pushed, further and further and harder and harder.  More than anyone else, more than the other 4 people who were with me.  And I stood my ground in front of that crowd.  I didn't cross the line I knew I wouldn't cross and would never cross.  And then, in front of that crowd, I was dismissed. 

What a horrible feeling!  I was uncomfortable going into the whole situation.  Meeting dozens of people I've never met.  Put into a situation I have never been in, in an environment that is completely nothing I have ever experienced or wanted to experience.  Not my crowd, not my scene.  Not my idea of fun.  Then to be called out, in a bigger crowd, pushed and pushed and ultimately "dismissed"?  That was awful. 

When I was back at my seat, I was immediately a mess.  As much as I didn't want to cause a scene, I might have.  I was trying to keep my voice down, but you can't really flip out and swear quietly.  When I was told, "I thought it would be fun for you", I completely lost it.  I have absolutely no idea how many "F" bombs I dropped. 

What part of ME is THAT?  How the F would I have fun with that?  How would that be F'in FUN for me?  I have never felt so F'in humiliated ever!  I shouldn't have f'in come.  I shouldn't f'in be here.  If I had my own car, I would f'in leave NOW.  THIS is NOT f'in fun for me.  How the F would you think this would be f'in fun for me?  I f'in told you I didn't want to f'in do this! 

OH, I went OFF.  I was in tear.  And I don't cry pretty.  Red, swollen and blotchy face.  Yeah, SO not pretty. 

And then leaving shortly after that, walking past a group of people who could easily see my face (even heard a comment... a guy say 'Oh'.  Yeah, cuz THAT helped!).  I was so upset all night.  I had horrible nightmares.... drug addicts after me, trying to rape & kill me in a house they were squatting in.  The police knew about it and weren't there to help.  They just sat there and watched.  

Hmm... guess that kind of says it all, huh?  Last night I felt like I was being attacked.  Someone I feel safe with, protected by, didn't do anything.  Just sat there and watched it all.  Guess I replayed it all out in my dream. 

Last night was not fun for me.  As open minded as I am, as much as I try to push myself out of my comfort zone and continually want to try new things, I purposely do not put myself in situations I know I do not want to be in.  I knew I should go last night.  I said it yesterday to a friend.  I did not want to go.  But I went against my judgement.  When I was called out with a few others, I had already said that I didn't want to do that.  But I did.  I tried, I rolled with it as best as I could.  But it still didn't stop.  I still got pushed.  And when I stood my ground hard and wouldn't be pushed, I was "dismissed" for it.  Literally told, you are dismissed.  Nice, huh?  F'ing C.  I seriously wanted to knock that DB out! 

Instead, I lost it. I cried.  I flipped out.  And I went off on the person who I feel safe with, who I feel stood by and didn't protect me in this situation.  I went the F off! 

So... now, I need to let this go.  I need to just learn from it, release it and let it go.  It'll eat at me if I let it.  Not worth that.  I don't want to do that.  I know I won't be part of that again.  I know I won't go there again.  And I know I need to trust in me more.  Trust in my instincts more.  Stand up for myself and for my instincts more when I feel like I am being pushed.  And I need to push back.