Heart to Heart

Besides just writing here, I have a journal that I write in at home.  I don't always write in that, but sometimes when things are weighing heavier on my mind or if there are more personal details I need to work out in my head, sometimes it helps to get things like that out on paper. 

I had been writing earlier this month about a few things weighing on me.  Yesterday I wrote again, pages and pages.  I wrote about all how I had resolved things that I had been struggling with and how great everything was and how happy I was.  And then I wrote out a huge list of everything that was thankful for- with Thanksgiving in a few days. 

Last night I was out with my boyfriend.  Today I feel closer to him than I have before, ever.  But it wasn't like that the whole night.  When he said, "We have to talk", my mind started racing.  I thought immediately that he was breaking up with me and ending our relationship.  I thought about everything I wrote earlier in the day; how much I loved him, how happy I was with him, how great I thought our relationship was.  When he said those awful, awful words to start a conversation, my heart sank.  I was crushed. 

But he didn't want to break up with me.  He really did want to talk.  Something deep, personal and something he had weighing on his mind.  Something that had been bothering him and he wanted to share that with me. 

It wasn't exactly an easy conversation, what one would be that starts with "We have to talk"?  And I won't lie, tears were involved.  I love him.  I was scared of losing him. 

This conversation, as tough as it was, as emotional and difficult and raw as it was.... it was something that needed to happen.  It was the elephant in the room for him.  He always knew this was there, but never talked about it to me.  For me... I knew it was something, but I didn't know about that specific elephant he had around him. 

But now I know.  We had a deep, close, personal, heart to heart conversation.  We were open and honest and respectful of each other.  I love him even more now.  I feel even closer to him now.  Our relationship feels even better now.  The way we were this morning together, it felt different, better, closer. 

I have something great with him.  I have never in my life had a relationship like this or felt like this.  I love what we have together, how we just click and fit.  Everything is easy and fun.  We don't have drama.  We don't have BS.  There is nothing fake or censored.  We are each other, real, open and we connect.  We connect like I have never connected with anyone. 

Am I still scared of losing him?  Hell yeah!  He makes it very easy for me to be comfortable and not feel any insecurities.  I know that he loves me and that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me.  I trust him with everything in me.  I love him.  I just completely and deeply love him. 

This heart to heart brought us closer.  It addressed things that needed to be said.  It scared me.  It had tears in my eyes.  It had me clinging to him, not letting him out of my arms.  But it was still a really good thing. 

I have absolutely no idea what my future in life holds.  I never do.  I let the current take me where it leads and have learned to trust that it brings me where I should be, when I need to be there.  It is when I fight the current and try to swim against it that I feel the struggles of life, the fight, the push.  So here, with him, I am going to continue to let the current take me.  I am choosing to let that happen and not fight anything.  I am choosing to trust that I will be where I need to be, when I need to be there, wherever and whenever that is. 

And with my conversation with him, I feel like he is trusting in that current too, taking that ride with me, not fighting it.  He is trusting in it, going with it, riding these amazing waves right along with me.   My hope is that this current continues as it is.  We have great waves right now.  I know that at some times, rapid will hit and it will become more difficult to stay with the current and even harder to trust in it.  It is most important to relax and trust at those times, more than others.  Fighting the current then can be not only exhausting, but dangerous. 

I also hope that when those rapids hit and it is hard to trust in the current, that it keeps him and I together as the water flows along.  There can be splits in the river.  I want us to stay on the same path together.  I don't want the rapids to push us and send us off down different paths, different rivers.  That is what scares me most. 

But right now I am trusting and believing.  I know this is where I am supposed to be right now.  No where else.  I know that all of my past experiences, good and bad, have brought me to this place, right now.  I wouldn't change my past.  That would change me, my life, and my full experiences.  No, looking back, I would stay on the same river I was on, going with that current, hitting all of the crazy rapids I went through. 

Right now, I am happy.  I have amazing relationships in my life and huge opportunities opening themselves up to me.  I trust that this river, that the universe or whatever it is... I trust that I will continue to have all that is supposed to have come to me.  I know there are lessons in life that need to be learned.  You need to learn those before moving forward.  Without learning a lesson, you won't have the ability to handle future experiences.  I have learned some tough lessons.  But they all brought me to right here and right now. 

Things are great in my life. 

Even with this very difficult heart to heart, "We need to talk" conversation, I am happy.  I love my boyfriend with everything I have.  I know he loves me.  How I describe him and I just clicking and connecting... he describes it like 2 puzzle pieces that just fit perfect together.  That is what he thinks of our relationship.  We just fit perfect together.  We do.  He's right.  This is an amazing thing. 

Whatever the future holds for me, right now I know I am in the perfect place for me.  I have never had such an incredible relationship or love in my life.  If for whatever reason this isn't for forever, it is at least for now.  And for now, I will love and cherish and live in every single moment of it. 

He is an amazing person.  I am so lucky to have him in my life and so happy that I met him and have experienced all of this.  Whatever happens, I do love him.  And more importantly, I want him to happy.  If that is with me or if that is not with me... I want him to happy.  I love him enough to want that above anything & everything else. 

That scares the absolute hell out of me... that him being happy might not be with him in my life.  But I want that for him.  I hope it IS with me.  But if it isn't, as horrible, heartbreaking and as much as it would just SUCK, I still want him to be happy first. 

Wasn't really planning to write all of this, but here it is.  All out there.  We talked.  We had a heart to heart.  I thought he was ending it with me.  He didn't.  I know I love him.  I know he loves me.  I trust him with all of my heart.  I feel closer to him now than I did before and I think he feels the same way.  And I am absolutely terrified that in the end he could be happy without us together.  But that is not today.  Today, we are in love and we are happy together.  And I live in today and I love in today.  With him.