NO laptop!

So the laptop is COMPLETELY dead at this point and will not turn on at all. I hit power, some lights turn on, but nothing happens on the screen. I'm holding out for 2 more weeks until Black Friday to get a deal on a new one. But this is KILLING me not having one at home. Work has been really busy, so I'm lucky if I eat lunch, forget about get online. And it is really hard trying to use someone else's computer for my personal stuff.

All that said, life is good! :) Been really busy with life, but making progress on everything in the ways I want. Got money to pay for the group fitness certification class.. just need to find it online. (LOL! On that list of sites to go to!) Plus, I'll need first aid and CPR for that. I also have lists of people I have been and will be talking to about all of this... 2-3 of them just today! SO all in all, the plans to go forward with this are going really really well. I know what I want and I'm taking steps to get there.

Still doing my best to work out some details and continue brainstorming ideas for what would work best for me to get this all going, give me some more experience as well as confidence in what I'm doing. Luckily, New Years is right around the corner, so that will be really good for me. It'll open up new opportunities for training people with the whole resolution thing.

Slowly starting out on the marathon training. Got another ear infection though. Just ordered ear plug for swimming, since I think that is what caused it. Four times in the pool and my ear is THROBBING. I've been out of the pool for a week, using prescription ear drops, plus Aleve for pain. Slowly getting better. Toss in the time change and I'm exhausted! Training is SLOW, but I know I'll be ok. I have time... over 5 months! And I'm signed up for a 10K on New Years Day already.

I plan on doing the same 1/2 marathon in February as I did last year and I can use that as a guide to where I'm at for the marathon. Really looking forward to it all. Within the next 2 months, I'm already signed up for three 5K's plus a 10k! This will be fun!

What else??? Me as a trainer, me and my marathon training. Work is busy. Bills and money are doing great. Xmas shopping is under way and money is set aside to cover it all.

The boyfriend? Guess that's a good topic! :) Well, a great topic! LOL! I love him. I really do. He just makes me happy. I think of him and smile and that's a really great thing. Things are great.

We had an interesting conversation about a week and a half ago which was really good. At first, I was a little disappointed but it really got me thinking about things and in a way I hadn't thought about them all before. He told me (after he said he loved me and has fun with me and all the good stuff), that he didn't think he was the right person for me. He doesn't want to get married or have kids and felt like I was pushing that on him. Really got me thinking.

First, the kids. I'm 37. Who knows if I even COULD have kids? And that's even IF I want them. The older I get, the less I do. I know I would never do it on my own, ever. Too much work. Plus, my patience is less and less with whiny brats the older that I get. Would I really want to do that? Once and a while, yeah, I want that, but I'm really good with NOT doing that. And again... even IF I could have kids at this point.

Then marriage. I always said that if I was in a relationship, I didn't want to be a long term girlfriend. I wanted it to end in marriage. Here he is, flat out telling me that NO, that is not going to happen. He just does NOT want to get married. Ever. Period. End of story. Ok. Got me thinking. If I'm alright with not getting married if I was single, how would I feel not getting married in a relationship? If I was with someone long term, how would I feel if he never married me and that was all it was?

For a while, the only answer I could come up with was, I don't know. I don't know how I would feel years from now, being someones girlfriend and not having it end in marriage. I just don't know how I would feel.

Then I started thinking more specifically. I started thinking specifically about my boyfriend and being with him. I still don't know how I will feel down the road. That is just impossible to know. How am I going to feel two, three or four years from now? Jeeze, I don't even know how I'm going to feel in 2 months when I run the 10K on New Years Day!

That's when I started thinking about right now. Right now with my boyfriend. Funny.. just typing that... "Right now with my boyfriend"... just typing that alone brought a smile to my face. :) I think that alone says something, more than I can even explain.

I am happy. I love him. I love what we have. I love spending time with him. We have so much fun together, all the time. He is a great person. And I just love him. That's it. I love him and I'm happy. That's when I made my decision.

I don't know changed to I don't care. I have no idea what the future holds. I don't know how I am going to feel down the road or where my life will be. I don't know what I will want or what will be important to me.

What I do know? Is that today, right now, I am happy. Right now, this is what I want. That's what I know.

SO I am giving up any worries or stress or anything on what could or couldn't, might or might not happen at some unknown point in the future. It doesn't matter. Only today does. Only how I feel right now. And right now, I know that I am happy, I love my boyfriend and this is what I want.

Who knows where my life will end up. Who knows what twists and turns will happen or surprises I have in store. A year ago, I never ever would have imagined that I am starting my training to run in the Boston Marathon for the SECOND time! Seriously? That was not even a thought at all!

SO.. trying to figure out what is ahead for me and let these unknowns influence this amazing relationship that I have? No. I don't think so. I am not going to let some unknown feeling or what could happen someday impact everything wonderful that I have going on today, right now, in my life.

Like I said.. it got me thinking about things in a whole different way. :) And I am happier than ever too.

I can't wait to see what else my life has in store. So many great things present themselves to me. Things I never ever would have imagined being in my life or even things I ever would have THOUGHT that I would want! Its kind of cool. :)