Another week & Another Ride

So far I'm not a huge fan of 2012.  The one thing that has been the most consistent for me is the inconsistency of everything.  I've been on a roller coaster ride for over 2 months now and it really is making me sick.

Too many ups and downs, highs and lows.  Just when I think things are done and its smooth sailing now, all of a sudden another big drop just comes out of no where!  It just knocks me right to the ground!

Last weekend when I wrote, that week before was horrible.  Two days in a row of horrible news back to back.  It was tough to take.  I managed and survived and made it through.  Last week was a little better.  I was teetering along.  Nervous to get too comfortable with anything.  I just got both shoes back on.  I was afraid of one dropping again.

Well... I had reason to be worried.  It did drop.  Last night.  And the ride begins again.  I think things are good.  And as soon as I am feeling better about thing, BAM, right in my face it hits me and just throws me for a loop all over again.  

SO now I am surviving again.  Managing again.  Putting on the damn happy face I have unfortunately gotten better and better at.  I hate being fake.  I hate pretending.  But I can't deal with the reality.  I can't handle the emotions of it all right now. 

I know I'm not perfect. I know I make plenty of mistakes.  I forgive people when they make them, if they want it and ask for it.  And try my best to move on.  But when I make a mistake, when I show that I am human and not perfect, why can't I be forgive for that?  Why don't I get that second chance?  Why are grudges held against me? 

I'm lucky I have great friends.  After a very very difficult situation... one quick phone call was all it took.  I got a I'm at X with Y.  Not even a hello.  Then, are you alright?  My answer.  I don't know.  When I showed up where they were, a beer was sitting on the bar waiting for me.  I really do have great friends.  They let me vent.  They listened as I rambled.  They ignored how off the wall I was.  I couldn't sit still.  I couldn't sit.  I needed to move. 

I stayed for that one beer and left.  I went home and didn't sleep.  I tried... but I didn't sleep.  Tossed and turned all night.  I was up at 7:30 this morning. 

I'm glad I went to my kickboxing class today.  I needed to get things out and punching and kicking a bag is a great release for it.  And today was a WORKOUT!  I was dripping in sweat and panting to catch my breath!  But I loved it.  I forgot my life.  I forgot my problems.  I forgot about my roller coaster ride that I don't want to be on.  

And then class was done.  Then my life came back and that roller coaster was right there waiting to take me on another ride. 

When do I make the choice to get off?  Can I make that choice?  Will life keep putting me back on, even if I decide to make certain changes? 

I don't know what I want right now.  I know I'm confused.  I'm upset.  I'm sad.  And I'm angry too.  Very angry.  I have too many emotions running all over the place and I don't know how to manage them right now.  I can't figure things out and I hate the not knowing of it all.  I hate that part!

I just don't know what to do.  I don't know what the future holds and I don't know what's best for me.  I don't know what decisions I should make or even have a clue on what decisions I WANT to make. 

I have lots of thinking to do.  Lots.  It looks like this is going to be another very long week.  Let the roller coaster ride start up again and give me that happy face to throw on.  Time to start pretending.