Breakdown Anyone?

Everyone has their limits. I know the phrase God only give you as much as you can handle. Well I can't handle anymore. I have hit my limit and might have even passed it. Not good when you are crying often during the day.

SO I'll try to remember all of the very highly stressful and emotional situations that I have had happen over the past 2 months. Sad part is, I haven't done anything to contribute to these. Some people like drama in their lives. They do things that bring it in or have responses that add to it. I work to keep the drama to a minimum in whatever I CAN control. I've put distance in relationships, changed how I spend time and done what I can to remove drama and stress when I have control over it.

Here's what I couldn't control:

Late May, my company had a lay off, letting 10% of the staff go. My best friend in the company was one of the people who lost her job. It was completely unexpected at 11am on a Tuesday and just a HORRIBLE day, horrible week.

June 20th. Sexual harassment issue that blindsided me and destroyed a really great working relationship.

June 21st. My cat is at the vet, didn't know what was wrong. Found out he is diabetic and if I hadn't caught it then, he could have died. (since then and other appointments, now owe over $2500 on the kitty credit card! Finances do not have a specific date, but are tighter now with this as well)

July 5th. Find out my cousin overdosed, was on life support and it didn't look good. She died the next day at 29 years old. The OD was at a party on Saturday, July 2nd. The police showed up at her mom's house on July 4th as she was leaving for a cookout. They told her to call this doctor at this hospital. That's how her mom found out she was on life support and had been for 2 days. Nice, huh?

July 14th. Find out that I was not the only person who had been sexually harassed and my "hypothetical" conversation with HR became official. That started the past 2 weeks of living in limbo for a final resolution to happen with this. Have not had one full night of sleep since the night before this (2 hours at a time just laying in bed in the middle of the night). I am completely exhausted, run down and have been since for a week now, which included me losing my voice and having to cancel 2 training sessions I had scheduled to give at work.

July 25th. Receive emails from Amazon Payments confirming transactions I didn't make. Thank God I only $500 in my account. Two $200 charges went through, but the 3rd attempt was declined. Left work and took a 2 hour lunch to go to the bank, cancel my debit card, now waiting 2 weeks for a new one, and to file paperwork to get my $400 back. Now late on 2 bills I was planning on mailing out LAST minute yesterday because I don't have that $400.

THEN... at 4:30 I'm told to leave work at 4:45 because they are having a meeting at 5pm with the manager on the sexual harassment thing and he'll be in the building. They want me to be gone first so I don't need to bump into him in the parking lot.

Today, July 26th. Receive an email from same manager with the sexual harassment issue, addressed to me with 2 other's cc'd. I had been specifically told that there would be absolutely no contact at all. Ended up spending over an hour and a half in HR, 1 hour in a meeting with the HR manager and the company president which started VERY harsh. I ended up feeling a bit better by the end of the meeting but refused to allow him to sit with me in a meeting and have the opportunity to apologize to me. I don't really care if that will make HIM feel better. I am not in a place that I could even look at him, let alone give him the chance to apologize. The email from him was enough to bring tears to my eyes and make my physically shake.

I hurt my wrist at work today and between being emotionally on edge and my wrist, I canceled going to golf. I couldn't handle it. If I was this emotional, say I took a bad shot? I could EASILY end up in tears on the course.

I am just done. I really have nothing left. I can't handle anything else coming up. My mom called today to talk to me about something. After work I called her back and told her I knew it was important to her, but with everything I was going through I really just didn't care. I couldn't and I don't. I have nothing left and I am so emotionally spent right now. I just can't take dealing with one more thing.

And in all of these crazy, highly stressful and emotionally situations, I did NOTHING to bring them into my life! My Amazon account being hacked and $400 being stolen? My cat becoming diabetic and now owing $2500 at THIS POINT for his care? Being sexually harassed by a mentor? Having my best friend at work lose her job? My cousin overdosing and dying at 29? All of this within the past 2 months? Seriously? Isn't that kind of a lot for one person to take, especially within a 2 month period?

I have really been trying so hard to keep positive and keep upbeat. Running helps, being active helps and having a great support system has been amazing. My boyfriend is absolutely unbelievable. He is so supportive and I appreciate EVERYTHING he has done and how he has been there. My friends have been great and send me emails to just check on me. I have great people in my life who have helped with all of this and been there to listen to me vent and to help me work though this crap.

I'm doing my best to keep working through it all. One thing at a time, one day at a time. There is only so much I can do. Not sleeping a full night in almost 2 weeks, getting sick and then having even more pile on with the Amazon thing yesterday, THEN seeing an email from him today was just enough to push me over. I could NOT stop shaking at my desk and just had tears running down my face.

When I was in HR about that email, since he wasn't supposed to, because I knew he had met with them the night before & I wasn't sure if anything had changed, the HR manager told me that the manager wanted to come in to meet with me and apologize to me. Um, no. If my reaction to an email was shaking and tears? How could I handle a face to face? And he knew things had been different for over a month. If he wanted to apologize, he could have then BEFORE I reported him. He had a chance and didn't take it. He might want to apologize, but I don't want to receive one and I don't want to hear it. I just don't care.

SO... this is where I'm at. Trying to keep my head above water. Skipped golf and happen to be listening to thunder now anyway, so I'm thinking it might have been canceled anyway. I'm sitting on my bed, in sweats, trying to clear my head.

The movie, The Zookeeper is playing at the movie theater down the street at 7. Its bargain Tuesday's so it would only be $4 for a movie tonight, plus the popcorn of course! It might be enough to just get my mind off of things. It would be over by 9, with the previews which works perfect. I am going to my boyfriends house tonight after he gets home from his MMA class, so around 9:15-9:30. But I'm still on the fence about the movie. I could take a Zumba class too.

Or I could sit home and do absolutely nothing for the next couple of hours. My mind is so fried and I am so drained... making a simple decision on how to spend the next few hours is almost overwhelming at this point. But writing all of this crap out helps. Its a nice way to get it all out of my head and help me work it all through and just move forward. I keep trying to move forward but I feel like I'm just not going anywhere. More and more keeps getting piled on to the shit pile and I can't keep up.

I'll survive. I always do. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? So I'll be stronger with all of this shit in my life. I hate how it is making me feel and I hate how drained and emotional I feel. I want to be me again and I don't want all this outside crap and drama to have control over me and my life. I'm getting there. I'll get there. One day at time. Tonight I'll be at my boyfriends house, snuggle up next to him in bed and have his arms wrapped around me tight. I love that. So moments like that will keep me moving forward. I will get through it. My life will be ok. I will be ok.